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He flinched, and his face crumpled with regret. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t think anything of the sort. I only meant you and Erin were better off without me.”
I did reach out for him then, surprising myself when my hand darted out to touch his chest. “I don’t think that’s true either.”
His eyes held mine hostage, his expression so torn open and vulnerable that I grew self-conscious and started to pull my hand back from his chest—but his fingers caught mine before they could retreat.
My throat tightened with an emotion I was scared to name. Barely six inches separated our faces, and I was acutely conscious of every square millimeter of surface area where his skin touched my skin, the contrasting areas of warm softness and rough calluses, and the shivery sensations zipping up my arm.
Holding my palm against his heart, he offered me a ghost of a smile. “Thank you.”
I tried to swallow, but my mouth had gone dry. “For what?”
“For listening.” He stroked my fingers before loosening his hold on me.
I took a steadying breath as I brought my hand back to my lap. It was still tingling from his touch, and I squeezed it into a fist, trying to chase away the phantom feelings as I refocused on the matter at hand. “You’ll win your way back into Maddy’s affections. It just might take some time.”
Donal’s head dipped forward until his chin hit his chest. “I hope so. I can’t lose her.”
“What about your wife?” I asked, perhaps unwisely. “Have you thought about trying to win her back?” If things could be fixed with Maddy, maybe they could be fixed with his ex-wife as well. If he was willing to put in the work and honestly trying to change, he might be able to put his whole family back together.
His expression shifted from sadness to resignation. “It’s way too late for that,” he said with apparent matter-of-factness. “Wendy’s moved on, as she should. She’s with someone else now, and I’m happy for her.”
I studied him, trying to discern if he was telling the truth or saying what he wanted the truth to be.
Propping his arm on the back of the couch, he leaned his head against his hand and met my gaze openly. “You know what I felt when I found out about her new boyfriend? Nothing at all. That’s how far past its expiration date our marriage was. The kids were the only thing holding us together—that and force of habit, I guess.”
As far as I could tell, he meant what he was saying. I shouldn’t have been pleased about that, but hearing he wasn’t hung up on his ex gave me an excited flutter I wasn’t proud of.
“That’s pretty fucking sad, isn’t it?”
“It is sad,” I agreed. “But I don’t think it’s that uncommon.” I knew several people whose marriages had devolved into a similar state of apathy. It made me feel better about remaining single. Sure, I might feel lonely occasionally, but was I any lonelier than someone trapped in a loveless marriage? At least I hadn’t structured my whole life around someone I no longer had feelings for.
Donal dragged his fingers through his hair before resting his head against his hand again. “There was a time I was convinced Wendy was the love of my life. But when I try to reach for that feeling now it’s just…not there anymore. I still care about her—she’s the mother of my children and I want good things for her, but…” He trailed off with a shrug.
At least he’d felt that kind of love for a while, even if it hadn’t lasted. Looking back over my own romantic history, which included a few short-lived infatuations and two failed attempts at more serious relationships, there’d never been anyone I felt inspired to declare “the love of my life.”
I couldn’t even say with confidence that I’d ever loved anyone outside of my family. I’d never even experienced the sort of platonic best-friend love so many people seemed to find. I’d had friends, some closer than others, but none so close they’d been indispensable. They’d either remained casual, friendly acquaintances—like Marie—or drifted away over time.
Was the dearth of love in my life the result of bad luck? Or a sign there was something wrong with me? Did I drive people away before they could love me? Or did I simply not feel things as deeply as other people?
Maybe my ex had been right when he called me cold and unfeeling. Maybe I was fundamentally incapable of giving my heart to another person or letting anyone into mine.
Donal gently tapped my temple, bringing me back to the present. “What’s going on in there? You’ve got that frown you always get when you’re thinking hard about something.”
I ducked my head, not wanting him to guess where my thoughts had taken me. “It’s nothing. That’s probably just a side effect of the Botox.”
“Liar.” He touched a fingertip to the underside of my chin, tipping my face toward his again.
My pulse thudded under his shrewd examination, but I was too transfixed by his blue eyes to turn away. They were so beautiful. They always had been. Mesmerizingly so.
The corner of his mouth twitched as he finally dropped his hand. “Should I be scared? Are you plotting my demise or someone else’s?”
“Neither.” I chewed on my lower lip, trying to figure out how to ask what I wanted to know. “I was just wondering…”
“Yes?” he prompted when I fell silent again.
“The way you feel about Erin—how does it compare to the way you feel about your other kids?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Wow. You’re really bringing the heavy questions tonight.”
