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“You’re the one who asked what I was thinking.”
“You’re right. I should know better.” His mouth twitched again, almost but not quite a smile. ”Tell me why you want to know, and I’ll tell you my answer.”
I shook my head, losing my nerve. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have after all. “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”
“Hey.” His hand smoothed down my arm. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s on your mind.” When he reached my wrist, he placed his palm against mine and laced our fingers together.
I stared at our linked hands, unable to meet his eyes. “You obviously love your children, and I was wondering if that was a feeling that built slowly over time, or if it was something you felt right away. Was it learned, or was it an immediate biological response?”
He took a long time to answer, giving it serious thought. “It’s different with Erin than it was with Maddy and Jack. Infants are so helpless, I think there is something instinctive that kicks in. The first time they place that tiny wriggling creature in your arms, it triggers a biological imperative to protect it.”
“I read once that babies release a pheromone that creates a dopamine response in our brains. That’s why people think they smell good.” Although personally, I’d never felt babies smelled all that good. Further proof that my human skills were defective, maybe.
“Can I ask…” Donal tugged on my hand to draw my eyes to him. “Did you get to hold Erin when she was born?”
“They wouldn’t let me.” I could remember craning my head to try and get a look at her, but I’d only caught a brief glimpse before they’d taken her to another room.
His fingers squeezed mine. “They didn’t want you to get attached.”
“So you’re saying I missed my chance to form that bond?”
“No, because that’s not the only way to form a bond with your child. Think about all the parents whose babies spend weeks in the NICU, or military fathers serving overseas when their children are born—not to mention adoptive parents.”
“And stepparents,” I said, thinking of Sherry, who’d loved me better than my own mother.
Donal nodded. “They all missed those first moments, but it doesn’t stop them from forming that bond later.”
“Like you missed it with Erin,” I said, and watched his brow crease. “Do you love her now that you’ve met her?”
His frown deepened, and he blew out a long breath before speaking. “I don’t know the answer to that question. She’s a fully grown adult who’s essentially a total stranger to me. So no, I don’t feel the same way about her as I feel about Maddy and Jack.”
“But you think you will, with time.” It wasn’t a question. I knew he would. It was obvious from the look that came into his eyes whenever he talked about her.
Searching my face, he reached up to tuck my hair behind my ear. “What are you worried about? That you won’t love her as much as I do?”
“What if I can’t?”
He ran his thumb over my cheek, so tenderly it made my heart stutter in my chest. “Of course you can.”
“How do you know?”
A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Because I know you. The way you were hassling me today to make sure I didn’t miss my lunch with Erin, that was you looking out for her because you care. You’re already feeling those protective instincts, just like I am.”
“Is that all there is to it? Is that what love is?”
“It’s one part of it. There are as many different ways to experience love as there are people in the world who deserve to be loved.”
Silence stretched out between us as I turned his words over in my head, not sure what to make of them.
“Tess.”
It did something to me, the way he said my name. I was used to hearing him say it in irritation, but there was no trace of irritation in his voice now. Only softness. Affection. Possibly even something deeper. It made me so disoriented I didn’t know which way was up.
He held my gaze captive as his hand slipped into my hair, cupping the back of my neck. “I know you like everything filed into neat little boxes, but emotions are messy and complicated. Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling instead of trying to put a label on it.” His eyes burned right through me as he paused. “Look at you and me.”
My stomach tightened with a longing I shouldn’t be feeling. “What about us?”
“You make me feel so many things I never thought—” He broke off, and I stopped breathing. “Tell me you’re not feeling it too.”
