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“Fornow,” Donal repeated, slightly disbelieving. “So I understand, what is it exactly that we’re waiting for?”
I threw my hands up. “I don’t know. This is all brand-new, and we’re still figuring out how to navigate it—or at least I am. I figured we shouldn’t out ourselves to Erin until we’re on surer footing and know what it is we’re doing, so she doesn’t get dragged into our drama.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw. “I know what I’m doing. I thought you did too.” He gave me a long, hard look, and I dropped my gaze to his feet, which were much easier to focus on than his unhappy face. “If you’re having regrets, I’d appreciate it if you’d just say that. Because I’m not interested in playing games with you.”
“I’m not having regrets.”
“Look at me and say it again.”
Tipping my chin up to look him in the eye, I repeated myself slowly and firmly. “I’m not. Having. Regrets.”
“All right,” he said, slightly mollified. “Then tell me what you’re so scared of.”
“I’m not scared.”
His lips pressed into a thin line. “Don’t do that. We said we weren’t going to lie to each other. Tell me what’s going on so we can deal with it together.”
“I wish I could, but it’s not that simple.” How was I supposed to admit to him that my instincts were telling me he wasn’t safe? Nothing about any of this was safe. The more I let him in, the more he’d be able to hurt me. If I let him see my vulnerabilities, he could use them against me. I couldn’t let myselfneedhim, because then it would hurt too much if he left me and I’d be even more alone than before.
A scowl deepened the lines of his face. “I gotta tell you, Tess, this is starting to feel like high school again, with you not wanting any of our friends to know about us. And I’m not fucking doing that again.”
Whoa whoawhoa. I was willing to admit I’d messed up tonight, but he had some serious nerve trying to gaslight me about the past. “I wasn’t the one who didn’t want anyone to know about us in high school,” I countered, affronted.
“The hell you weren’t!” His voice shook with enough anger to rock me back on my heels.
My mouth fell open in disbelief. “You’re kidding, right? Craig Fontaine asked if you had a girlfriend and you said no, a girlfriend was the last thing you wanted. I overheard the whole conversation. You both had a big chuckle over how much more fun it was playing the field, and how you couldn’t wait to get at all those college girls in the fall, and no way were you tying yourself down to anyone so close to graduation.”
Donal stared at me like I’d started speaking in tongues. “I have no memory of that at all.”
“Ido. You think I made it up?” It was bad enough that I’d had to hear him say it the first time. I wasn’t about to let him get away with pretending it had never happened.
His brow furrowed, his posture still stiff and defensive. “When even was this?”
“In the band hall before school, the first week we were sneaking around. We hadn’t talked about what we were doing yet, but I got the message loud and clear.”
He shook his head again and raked a hand through his hair. His anger had faded, leaving only confusion. “I swear to God, I don’t remember sayinganyof that.”
“Well, you did.” I crossed my arms, standing my ground. I’d heard what I’d heard, whether he remembered it or not.
“It doesn’t even sound like me.”
I couldn’t hold in my snort of derision and saw his expression harden again. “It sounds exactly like who you were back then. You were a serial scammer, in case you forgot. None of the girls you hooked up with could ever pin you down for more than a week or two.”
His wintry blue eyes burned through me as he said, very quietly, “You did.”
I opened my mouth. Then closed it again, realizing it was true. We’d been together for nearly three months. As far as I knew, that made me Donal’s longest relationship in high school.
He turned on his heel and paced away from me, his movements tight and jerky. When he faced me again his expression was stark. “Is that why—” He broke off and swallowed thickly. “Is that why you were so gung ho to keep us a secret from everyone? Because you thoughtIwas?”
“Yes.” Foolishly, I’d thought I could protect myself by pretending to be as indifferent as he was. It might have protected my pride, but it hadn’t done anything to safeguard my feelings.
“Fuck.” Squeezing his eyes shut, he let out a laugh devoid of humor.
I stared down at the floor and took a deep breath, reaching for courage to admit the truth I’d kept hidden at the time. “It hurt to hear you say those things. But I didn’t want you to know how much, and I didn’t want to give you up, so…”
“So you acted like it was what you wanted.”
“I thought it was the only way to hold on to you.”
