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“Tess.” The roughness of his voice made me look up. His expression was just as drawn and wretched as I felt. “It wasn’t what I wanted. I swear. If I said those things—”
My chin jutted out. “You did.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I could remember so I could tell you why I did it. My best guess is that I didn’t want to kiss and tell. I was probably putting on an act because I wasn’t sure where we stood, and telling Craig what he expected to hear was easier than telling the truth.”
“Fine.” It didn’t matter anymore. What was the point of dwelling on something so far in the past that Donal didn’t even remember doing it? It was one more example of how fucked-up our relationship had been back then. An absolute train wreck from start to finish, everything between us tainted by hurt and miscommunication.
Donal’s eyes were sorrowful as they searched mine. “I’m sorry I hurt you like that. You must have felt the same way then that I felt tonight.”
I pressed my lips together, feeling queasy. We really were cursed—doomed to keep repeating the same damaging patterns over and over again, carelessly wounding each other anew because of old scars that never seemed to heal. I was so tired of ending up right back in this same place with him. Whenever it felt like we were making progress, the past always reared up to drive us apart again.
“We still need to talk about tonight.” Donal took a step closer. “What is it that’s holding you back now, Tess? What are you so afraid of?”
I looked down at the floor with a sigh. “I’m afraid of this not working out and what happens after that.”
“What happens after that?”
“It’ll hurt.” I hated how small and pitiful my voice sounded.
“Finally, we’re getting somewhere.” Donal rested his hands on my shoulders, kneading gently. My eyes closed as the warm pressure of his touch melted away some of the heaviness in my chest. “But allow me to offer a counterpoint: What if it does work out and we end up deliriously happy together? Isn’t that worth taking a chance?”
I wanted to agree. I really did. But the words wouldn’t come out.
“Ah,” he said after a beat and dropped his hands from my shoulders. “I see now. You don’t believe we can make it work. You don’t think we have enough of a chance to be worth taking.”
How couldhe? After everything? It felt like there were spike-filled Burmese tiger pits waiting for us around every corner. How could he honestly expect anything to come of us being together except eventual pain and misery? And now he wanted to make Erin a part of it, which meant she’d be caught in the blast radius when this relationship inevitably blew up in our faces.
“Tell me why,” he said, staring me down. “Why are you convinced we won’t make it?”
“Because it’s too hard. There’s too much painful history for us to overcome. You have to know that as well as I do.” I shook my head, all out of words. If he wouldn’t acknowledge the reality of the situation after everything that had already happened, I didn’t see how I could convince him.
He crossed his arms, his lips pursing as he contemplated me. “Nope. Sorry, not buying it. The Tess McGregor I know would never back down from a challenge just because it’s hard. Try again. For real this time, tell me why you’re so certain we won’t work out.”
“Because nothing ever has,” I muttered at the floor.
“Baby.” The endearment tore out of him on an agonized breath, and I felt myself pulled into his arms.
I slumped against him, clinging a little as I inhaled the wonderful scent of him. My throat constricted at the thought that I might have lost this tonight—that I might still lose it—and I pressed my face into his chest. I couldn’t stand how weak he made me feel. How much I already needed him. He’d sneaked through the cracks in my defenses and embedded himself in my life. I was stuck now. Addicted to the way he made me feel. How was I supposed to protect myself from that?
I’d sworn I’d never let myself become dependent on anyone or rely on somebody else to make me feel safe. Yet here I was, clutching at Donal for comfort and trying not to cry at the prospect of losing him.
“Hey.” His hands smoothed up my back and into my hair. “I’ve got skin in this game too. You know it would hurt me as much as you, right?”
“Not if you’re the one who does the leaving.”
He pulled back, cradling my face in his hands as he searched it. “What makes you think I’m going to leave you?”
“I don’t know.” I hadn’t, not until that very moment. But as I said the words, the vague misgivings that had been hovering at the back of my mind came into sharper focus.
His shoulders slumped as he continued to study me. “You do too know. I can see it in your eyes. Tell me.”
Reluctantly, I looked into his eyes and asked the question I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer to. “Are you with me because of Erin?”
“What? No.” Donal let go of me, blinking as his brows pulled together. “Why would you think that?”
“Tell me you don’t want a do-over. A second chance for us to be the family you couldn’t give her when she was born.”
A succession of emotions passed across his face. First shock. Then outrage. And finally sorrow. “That’s not what this is. Is that what you really think?”
