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“How could I not?” It was a simple question, but she meant it. Wherever he was is where her eyes wanted to go.
“So you do care how I look?” There was still a smile in his eyes, but a little bit of bitterness too, like he knew his looks were important.
“I admit, I do admire your strength and the way you live, and your broad shoulders,” she said with what felt like an embarrassed smile. Before he could say anything else though, she kept talking. “But more than that, I admire the way you treated Owen. The way you cared about him. The way you were patient and made him smile. You didn’t have to take time to stand in your backyard and play ball with a kid that you barely know. And I admire that more than anything.”
His expression had changed, and he swallowed, loudly, as though pushing past the lump in his throat.
His forearm muscles flexed under her fingers, and she tightened her grip just a bit, meaning to be comforting, but she couldn’t deny the attraction she felt. She wanted to move closer rather than walk away.
He put a hand up, sliding it around her neck under her hair. “So I don’t disgust you?”
“Never. Never have.” She grinned. “You might have made me a little angry at times...”
His smile was guilty. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head, very conscious of his fingers at the nape of her neck. “I don’t think I would have gotten angry if I hadn’t been so...attracted.”
“You feel it too?”
She nodded.
“I want to chase this. I want to see where it goes. I don’t want you to leave. But... I have to patch things up with my daughter, somehow.”
“There’ll be time for us. Once you get everything straightened out. I’m not going anywhere.” She felt like she needed to be completely honest. “I’m not even sure I’m interested in a relationship anyway.”
“With someone as scarred as I am? Someone who can’t go out in polite society without someone recognizing him and insulting and belittling him?”
Her snort was derisive. “Do you really think I care about that? Do you really think I’m the kind of person who bases my opinion on what everyone else thinks?”
“I know you’re not.”
“That doesn’t bother me at all. But I was married once. I’ll be frank. It sucked. And I chose him. I’m not sure that I can depend on myself to be able to choose wisely. Obviously, I made a huge mistake. And marriage is forever. At least for me.”
“For me too. Maybe... Maybe that’s something you can pray about. Surely if I’m not right for you, God would let you know somehow?”
Her eyes widened a bit. She hadn’t thought about that. But he was right. Marriage should definitely be something she talked to the Lord about. A decision she didn’t make on her own.
“I take it from your expression that you didn’t consult with God before you got married the first time.”
“No.”
“Do you think it might be a little different if you were sure to include Him this time?”
She nodded slowly. Unable to find any flaw in his reasoning. Of course not.
“I’m a little scared to suggest that, because... I’m afraid that God doesn’t think I’m good enough for you.”
“Don’t talk like that.” If anything, he was too good.
His hand moved to cup her cheek, and she put her hand over top of it, squeezing, looking up into his eyes.
“I’m not any better than anyone else. And there’s no such thing as you not being good enough. That’s laughable. I would laugh at that if you didn’t look so serious.”
“I am. Have you missed it? I’ve been practically shut up in my house for years. Not going out anywhere. Living for myself. I can see now how selfish it was of me. Even not having a relationship with Kendrick was selfish on my part. Of course I didn’t want her to be hurt or embarrassed, but part of that was because when she’s hurt, it hurts me too. I don’t want that.”
“Trust me. I have just as many flaws and issues as you. And I’ve been allowing fear to control me just as much as you. After all, I’m afraid to get married again.” She closed her eyes, shaking her head and turning away. “I feel like my fear is justifiable, because marriage isn’t something you can just get out of if you don’t like it anymore. When you make vows, they’re supposed to mean something.”
“They are. To both of you. So if your husband vows to love and cherish you, he should be doing that.”
