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Chapter 30: Lilah
I feel numb. Or at least my body does. My head is a swirling mess of emotions, disconnected from a body that can't keep up.
Ben laughs low and mirthless, as his eyes shift sideways, and he scrubs a hand down his face for about the tenth time this morning.
"I wanted him to go away, but that wasn't happening as long as his crimes were local and his family had the influence to talk things down. When I hacked him, I really thought I'd have to plant something." Ben shrugs, his arm still around me. "I was prepared to manufacture enough evidence to get the bastard put away for life, but it was all right there. He didn't even try very hard to hide it. The smug shit."
Ben shudders, and I'm suddenly very sure I don't want to know what he saw. "You can skip the details," I say.
Ben rubs a hand up my back. "There was plenty for the Justice Department to get involved, but what really sealed the deal were his financials. In the end, most of his jail time is from bank fraud, tax evasion and money laundering."
"How long did he get?" I ask.
"Sixty-five years."
"Good. What a rat bastard," I say. I don't know Ella well. I've only spoken to her a couple of times when she called Ben and I was in the room, but I already adore her.
Ben chuckles, sounding a little more like himself, but he stops when I ask, "Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because I didn't do it just the once," he whispers as he runs his fingers over the back of my hand. "I've helped-- I've been helping women in bad situations, people like my sister, disappear for years. Some of them had to start whole new lives. I've probably hacked into every government system in the country ten times over to help them do it."
I think about it for a second and honestly, the idea of Ben hacking a DMV or whatever to help someone live a safe life doesn't really bother me that much. I shrug as I search his eyes.
"Ok. I mean yeah, you're breaking the rules but it's for the right reasons, right?"
Ben swallows audibly.
"That's... still not all. I outed a senator last month for sexually harassing his subordinates and taking bribes."
I backhand his chest, not hard, but fast enough to catch him off guard. He makes an "oof" sound as I half yell, "That was you?! I read about that! The bastard got what he deserved if you ask me."
Ben grins. "He probably deserved worse. But Lilah, I do that kind of stuff all the time."
"Aren't you worried you'll get caught?" I ask. The thought of him being arrested and taken away from me is terrifying.
"Honestly, not really. In my experience, nobody complains when you take down a terrible person. The authorities concerned don't look too hard when someone anonymously sends them all the evidence they need to do their job. Plus, I'm really good at covering my tracks. If worse came to worst, I still have contacts in the FBI that owe me huge favors."
Something about all of this is still making my stomach churn. I've got a headache and my chest is squeezing uncomfortably. There's something icky about charging desperate women money to help them.
"Is this how you make money?" I ask. "Were you lying about the corporate jobs you were doing?"
"God no," he replies vehemently. "I really make my money off the corporate stuff. I don't charge for the... the gray area stuff."
The tension in my chest eases a bit. "I'd ask you why you do it, but I think I get it. No one should have to go through what your sister went through." His fingertips flex against the small of my back and a small, hopeful smile turns the corners of his mouth up.
I try to figure out what's eating at me, talking my way through it. "I don't care about the legality. I really don't. People like that deserve to be punished, but... I wish you would have trusted me with this."
Ben meets my eyes, and he looks tortured. He opens his mouth to say something, but I hold up my finger.
"I'm not finished," I say, pushing away from his chest and standing. I already feel the loss of his strong arms around me, but the distance between us is much colder than just the loss of body heat. He stays sitting, letting me have the upper hand, at least for now.
"You got your turn to talk and now it's mine. I told you how hard it is for me to let people in. I flat out told you. And you still pushed your way in, feeding me half-truths and lying through omission the whole time."
I've found the thread of hurt that's needling me and when I pull it, a hole rips through my chest, spilling out all the things I need to say.
"You pushed me to trust you, but you were never honest with me. You didn't even give me a chance. And why?! Did you think I couldn't handle it? That I'd shake my finger at you or turn you in for helping people that couldn't do it for themselves?! Did you think so little of me?"
To be fair, Ben never tries to backpedal. Never interrupts or argues. He just sits there, watching me, listening to me rail against him, his face miserable. I should feel sorry for him, but the anger is climbing in me.
