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Maisie met my eyes, understanding contained there. “Or maybe it’s exactly what he needs. Something to remind him it’s worth it.”
“How doyoufeel, though?” Phoebe asked.
I hadn’t come here tonight thinking I would spill my guts, but I did. I told them the plain truth—I was afraid I had fallen in love with Jonah.
After some back-and-forth, the group consensus was I needed to give him a chance. After Tiffany dropped me off, I walked down to the lake with Honey. It was cold tonight, and the frost on the grass crunched under my feet. Moonlight glittered on the surface of the lake.
I sat down on the end of the dock, wrapping my arms around my knees and resting my chin on them as I looked out over the lake. This was my place, the spot I’d always come to when I was younger, sometimes just because I wanted to be here and other times because I needed to think. I was abruptly struck with a rush of grief for my parents.
Even though they were gone, I still knew I was lucky. Because they’d loved me, and they’d loved each other. I knew not everyone got that in childhood. The loss was still sharp. From time to time, it sideswiped me out of nowhere. The first few years after they died, I avoided coming home. Everything was too emotionally loaded. I’d felt bombarded by memories. Yet slowly, the grief had felt less huge in my heart. Now that I was home, even though I came because I felt I had no other options, I was glad.
A bitter laugh slipped out. I contemplated calling Tyler to thank him for being an asshole. He hadn’t called me again, and I was relieved.
It was good to be here, good to see old friends and make some new friends. Phoebe’s question repeated in my thoughts.How do you feel, though?
I’d gone and fallen in love with Jonah. Like an idiot.
“Not what I planned,” I murmured to myself.
I straightened and reached over to scratch behind Honey’s ears. She propped her chin on my knee as I petted her.
I didn’t know how Jonah felt. We didn’t talk about our feelings. We just acted on them. What was supposed to be just sex had turned into so much more. He had almost seemed, well, not like himself this morning.
Every time I thought about his nightmares, sadness rolled through me, and my heart twisted sharply. I knew he hated them for obvious reasons. I just wished I could make it better for him. I sensed he didn’t think love was a possibility for him. I loved him, but I loved him enough to want that for him regardless of whether I was the one he loved.
Honey nudged my leg. My hand had stilled on the back of her neck, and I smiled down at her. “I’m slacking,” I teased.
She rolled over, and I stroked her belly. As I walked back up the dock a little while later, I saw a single light on in Jonah’s cabin.
ChapterThirty-Seven
Jonah
“What have you gone and done?” Gram asked, one hand on her hip as she wagged a spatula at me.
“Nothing,” I insisted.
Her eyebrows hitched up. “I don’t believe you. I know you, and you’re lying.”
“Geez, Gram. Cut me a little slack, would you?”
She shook her head as she lowered the spatula and turned to check on the omelet she was making. She flipped it and adjusted the flame under the pan. Turning back, she cocked her head to the side.
“We’ve all been giving you slack,” she said gently. “What you went through is something no one should have to go through. Oh sure, tragedy happens and accidents happen. But this kind of thing, where someone shows up and guns down kids in a high school. We’re failing.” She paused, studying me for a moment. “And, I know you don’t like how people view you as a hero for helping save the kids you could. I know you don’t even think it matters. But it does. You did all you could in a horrible situation.”
“I know,” I whispered hoarsely as my heartbeat sped. Whenever this topic came up, I felt a little sick, and my heart raced unsteadily.
“But that wasn’t my point,” she said, her sharp gaze skating over my face. “Your parents have been worried sick. I have too. We’re all tiptoeing around you. Don’t take that the wrong way. You’re not being angry and explosive. But we’re treating you like you’re more fragile than you are. Do you want to turtle up and never let anyone in? I already know you love Alice. I’ve seen the way you look at her.”
My mouth fell open while my heartbeat stuttered and lunged. I snapped my mouth shut.
“I’m going to stop tiptoeing around. You can get over this. The world is filled with people learning to live with the scars in their hearts. You’re doing a disservice to those who died by swearing off loving anyone.”
I stared at her. I wanted to argue, but her words hit me like a brick in my chest. Emotion tightened around my throat, forcing me to take a slow breath. My grandmother wasn’t done yet.
“I love you, Jonah. You’re my only grandson and therefore my favorite, but you also deserve to be my favorite.” My lips tugged into a smile. It was a rueful smile, tinged with joy because I was a lucky kid. My parents loved me, and I had a grandmother who still spoiled me rotten. She loved me the hard way, not the easy way. To my point: this conversation.
“I don’t know how you’re going to figure this out. I know you saw a therapist for a while, so maybe you should call them again. Sure, I was teasing when I said I wanted you and Alice to be together. I’m also nosy, and I enjoy playing matchmaker. But having seen you two together, I actually think you’re good for each other. Alice is steady and practical, and you need that. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but she’s probably smarter than you.” I snorted at that. “So before you plan to shut her out, just know I will know from the grave if you do that.” She wagged the spatula in emphasis.
