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My stomach shouldn’t feel like there were a bunch of butterflies in it. My hands shouldn’t be trembling in anticipation of his response. It wasn’t a crush or even a relationship. It was sex.
But it felt like so much more. My phone buzzed, and I couldn’t resist opening it right away.
Ben: You’re welcome, beautiful.
I opened the image again to see what he saw. A strong, confident woman with a challenge in her eyes. Yeah, that hadn’t been my best move. I should have been pushing him away, not pulling him in closer.
A throat cleared, pulling me away from the screen.
Sam stood in front of me in his blue Morrison Brothers Construction shirt that was tucked into well-worn jeans and covered in a thin layer of sawdust. If my heart weren’t already with Ben, I would have considered him attractive.
“I just wanted to give you an update.”
I tried to refocus on the man in front of me and not the one who’d sent me his favorite coffee beans. “Of course.”
“We’re ahead of schedule. You’ll need to close the store for a few days.” He pulled out a small paper calendar, one he probably kept for conversations like ours. He pointed to the first week of June. “I’m looking at this week to complete the front-end renovations.”
“Perfect. Thank you, Sam.”
He tucked the calendar into his back pocket and said, “Want to see the progress we’ve made so far?”
“I’d love to.” I followed behind him as he held the tarp open for me, eager to see what he’d accomplished.
The open shelves were inviting as I breathed in the smell of freshly cut wood. I could already see customers browsing the filled shelves with a coffee or a glass of wine.
“It looks great.” The renovation was expensive. If the re-branding didn’t work, I didn’t want to think about what it meant for me. I didn’t want to be a statistic. One of the millions of businesses that failed each year.
I wanted to be known as a savvy businesswoman who knew when it was time to dig in or when it was time to pivot and try something new. The wine market was one of the times when it felt right, and I needed to follow my intuition. I was starting to sound like Remi with her talk of positivity and trusting your gut.
“I’ll let you get back to work,” I told Sam before heading back to my office. Being with Ben felt as right as this renovation. I just hoped I wasn’t projecting my good feelings about the construction onto my relationship with him.
It felt good to go after what I wanted, whether that was business or sex. Last night, I’d felt the tiniest of cracks in my heart. I couldn’t let it break open any wider. I couldn’t let him in. It was too risky. Especially with the changes in my business.
A part of me couldn’t trust him. What if he was using me to get what he wanted out of his business? It sounded nuts, but it was the same thing Levi did. He’d taken advantage of my trusting nature. I couldn’t make that same mistake again, no matter how good it felt at the moment.
Good sex was just that. Sure, Ben was an attentive lover, but it didn’t have to mean anything else. Except when I was alone in my office, all I could think about was the look in his eyes when I was riding his dick. He’d been in awe of me. The touch of his hands on my body felt reverent, like he couldn’t believe I was there. He couldn’t fake those feelings, could he?
Levi had. So, doubt was the new story of my life. I was capable of trusting a little bit, then pulling back, remembering why I couldn’t rely on my judgment. Why I couldn’t trust anyone with my heart?
Ben was no different. I’d need to keep him at arm’s length until our businesses took off. And even then, how would I ever know if he was being genuine?
A dull ache started at the base of my skull and spread until it was throbbing. My eyes hurt. My head hurt, and I wanted to crawl into bed and never come out. Remi would blame it on the weather, the barometric pressure, but I wondered if it was my intuition warning me away from Ben.
I’d need to be stronger, more cautious. When I was in bed with him, it was easy to let go. To be the person I was before. I couldn’t let myself fall into that trap.
For the next couple of weeks, I focused on work. I crunched numbers, comparing recent revenue to the year-ago numbers. I tried to project how things might change with the new offerings, but I couldn’t. The not knowing was driving me crazy.
I was impatient, anxious to see what the changes would do for my business, how the customers would react. It was getting harder to keep the news inside. I wanted to tell everyone about it, especially my friends. They were curious about the details, but I’d refused to give them any.
Ben sent flowers, a box of Sophie’s Sweets pastries, and a book on entrepreneurship, which I adored. That was my favorite gift of all. I loved reading nonfiction books about mindset and business. I wasn’t sure if he’d seen the books on my nightstand, but I liked to think he did. Each time, I snapped a picture of myself with the gift and a thank you note.
Each time I got a delivery, my traitorous heart flipped in my chest. I didn’t think he understood that friends with benefits didn’t get each other gifts or check in via text at breakfast. But I loved that he continued to include me in Cammie’s breakfast routine.
One morning, he’d sent a picture of him eating a bite of pancake with whipped cream on his cheek. I’d wanted to wipe it off with my tongue, but I was in bed alone while he was with his daughter.
He sent me pictures of the houses he’d toured. He hadn’t asked me to join him in house hunting again. And I was glad because I probably wouldn’t say no even if it wasn’t my place to help him find a home. That was crossing a line.
One afternoon, Hailey came into my office. “You have a large package.”
