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At five o’clock in the morning, sitting on the floor of her bedroom, that was exactly what Liv began to do. She began to make a plan, one that meant neither she nor Pete would ever settle for less again.
She stepped into the shower with a new determination. No matter how things worked out for her, she was going to do the right thing. She was going to live a life more authentic, one that Rachel would be proud of and, yes, one that Pete would admire too. She would live a life big enough and generous enough for two – she would make it up to Rachel, for being the one who got a chance to live, by making sure she did the best job of it she could from here on in.
After she ate breakfast, she decided the first thing she’d do was make a list. She was going to fill up her life with things that meant something, not just work, but she had been thinking about that homeless shelter that Rachel used to volunteer at years ago. She would contact them; ask if she could help out. She would make it her mission to travel home more regularly, to help out with the farm, to be there if her father needed support with whatever the angiogram told them. She would be a friend, a true friend to Pete and, she decided, sticking her chin out with more determination than she realised she still had, she would start today.
She dialled Pete’s number as she was picking her way up the avenue to work. The snow of the last few days had built up in the grounds and although the maintenance men had no doubt spent hours and energy trying to clear the pathways, they had frozen over once again and now, the slight upward slope was more like a devilishly gradated ice rink than the entrance into one of Dublin’s busiest hospitals. She was so glad she’d worn her hiking boots. But it was beautiful, she decided, as she reached the relative safety of the front entrance, here at least, the constant application of salt and grit seemed to have given some steadiness to the surface.
‘Hey, you’re up and about early?’ Pete answered on the third ring. He sounded tired and groggy, as if she had just woken him.
‘No rest for the wicked. I’m due on shift in twenty minutes. I’m just at the hospital now.’
‘God, you make me feel guilty. I should probably go in to work and clear off my desk to start the New Year on an efficient note.’
‘Whatever else you need to feel, Pete, guilt over not working hard enough isn’t it!’ She was laughing at him, it was true. He’d made partner in his firm a decade before any of his colleagues. Sometimes, it had seemed to Liv that was all he did – work and take care of everyone else.
‘So, what can I do you for? Need a lift after work tonight?’
‘I…’ It wasn’t why she’d rung, but then, what was she going to do? Blurt out on the phone that she didn’t want him to see Anya anymore. That Anya Hegarty would never be good enough for him, in Liv’s opinion. That she wasn’t The One.
‘What time are you finishing?’
‘Meant to be eight o’clock, but I’ve offered to work until later if they need me. You know how it can be over the holidays. The team are only staggering back in and New Year’s can be busy in a way no other night of the year is.’
‘Right, I’ll pick you up at eight?’
‘Not at all, I’m sure you have better things to be doing than driving out to pick me up,’ she said.
‘I’m always happy to go collect you.’ He sounded a bit let down and she wondered if he and Anya had made a plan to ring in the New Year together.
‘What are you up to?’
‘I have no plans. It’s basically the same as any other night of the year, apart from the view from my window. Remember last year?’ he said and she could hear him smiling. She did remember. They’d spent it together. She’d come back to work in Dublin before Eddie, who’d probably gotten drunk in Flannelly’s and not even heard the midnight bells. She and Pete had stood at his enormous picture windows, a glass of brandy each in their hands, watching the fireworks light up the night sky over the bay beyond.
‘I really enjoyed it.’
‘Well, if you and your friend fancy dropping by later, maybe we can do the same again this year,’ he said. There was no agenda, nothing beyond two friends chilling out and watching the fireworks.
‘I’d like that, but what about…’ She wanted to ask about Anya, but what was the point? She remembered standing at his apartment the night before, Anya in the doorway, as territorial as a lioness. Suddenly, she felt a chill run over her; Liv didn’t want to mention her name, not if Anya was lying next to Pete right at this moment. And, she realised, she didn’t particularly want to ring in the New Year with them either. ‘No, do you know what? I think I’ll just head into town and then go straight home. I could get a call to be in at work first thing yet, you never know,’ she said softly. She could meet him for lunch one day next week. They could go somewhere near his office, just the two of them and she could tell him then. What exactly? That Anya wasn’t good enough for him, that he could do so much better, that he deserved so much better – he deserved someone who would never cheat behind his back. He deserved someone who would adore him. Someone like Rachel would have wanted; or, at least, a variation on that anyway.
‘Seriously, Liv, you’ll never get a taxi tonight and the last place you want to be is on a bus with New Year revellers.’ He didn’t add that it would be too depressing for words; he didn’t have to.
‘No, I’ll be fine, really. For all I know, it could be tomorrow afternoon before I get to leave here.’ She laughed now.
‘So, why did you…’
‘Ring you?’ God, did she only ever ring him because she wanted something? She’d park that nugget to unpack later when she could face it. ‘I just rang to wish you a happy New Year, of course.’ She mustered up as much enthusiasm as she could, and actually this morning maybe it felt as if she really was full of good cheer.
‘Right, well, a happy New Year to you too,’ he said uneasily.
‘See you next year.’ She rang off, knowing there was so much more she needed to say to him, but not being quite sure where to start.
19
She struggled out of her coat and changed into her uniform with a nagging pain along her right hip and down into her leg. Reaching into her locker she pulled out two painkillers; otherwise, she knew that within a few hours she’d be hobbling around the A&E like an unsteady pensioner.
‘I’m afraid it’s all hands on deck again today,’ Francine said wearily. ‘We’re rushed off our feet and there’s no sign of things getting any quieter.’
‘Never mind, we’ll just get on with it, shall we?’ Liv asked, although she knew that the chance of getting out of here before midnight was now slim or nil. Any feelings of either guilt or being somehow hard done by were quickly forgotten. The A&E was as busy as she’d ever seen it and there was hardly time to catch her breath between coming on shift and having a late lunch break that afternoon. The good news was that Francine had managed to secure six agency staff to come on for the night shift, so even if the worst came to the worst, there would at least be enough nurses to help out.
