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I don’t know much about McMurdo Valley, despite living next door for ten years. If the county was a person, Beehive Ridge would be the left pinkie finger—an almost forgotten, often neglected area. McMurdo Valley, meanwhile, is the heart. The wealthy live here. Neal’s family referred to this area as “sissified.” They claimed the rich in McMurdo Valley never got dirty in their lives.
Silas’s body proves their claims wrong. He had to suffer to earn the money for this beautiful house and comfortable life.
Awake long before everyone else, I try to see this man clearly. Silas was born to a struggling family with too many kids. They gave him to a family who probably looked good from the outside. Like my parents, Silas’s were miserable together yet refused to walk away from their dysfunction.
He grew up angry and obviously alone. Nomad isn’t the name of a man with deep roots.
At some point, he met people he trusted. I don’t know the specifics of how they went from friends growing up in McMurdo Valley to controlling the county. However, I can see the violent journey on his body.
What thought process brings young people to the realization that murder and possible death is the path to promotion in the world? Or maybe I’m overthinking the situation and they were like me without any big plans. The members of the Steel Berserkers Motorcycle Club only stumbled upon the opportunity to take over. No strategy necessary.
I don’t know how the Steel Berserkers hit the jackpot. They might have just been better than the competition. They seemed casually powerful yesterday. I don’t know how people attain such success. Most of my choices are poor, so that’s how I ended up.
Studying Silas, I wish I hadn’t told him about my parents last night. Of course, he already knows I’m a loser. I guess a little more context won’t change much.
Silas Bennings wants me for no fathomable reason. I seriously suspect he had a mental breakdown after the woman he loved betrayed him. When he saw me, he understood I was too weak to destroy him like she did. I’d been docile for a man like Neal, so I’d no doubt behave for a wild beast like Silas.
His low expectations should be a relief. I don’t have to worry if I can live up to the woman he created in his head. I just need to stay loyal. Silas wants the family ripped away when Kati ran off.Why can’t that be enough?
As Silas remains oblivious to the world, I slide out of bed and walk to the shower. I tell myself I need to get ready for the kids. They’ll be up soon and need me.
Except Rosemary and Woodrow fed them yesterday. They’re setting up a playroom in the back of this massive house. The kids don’t really need me to watch them every minute. I have help from people with more energy. Rosemary was a teacher, too. She’s probably smarter about kids anyway.
The real reason I take a hot shower is to hide my tears from the world. I hate crying in the open. Whenever I was hurting, people told me to grow up, toughen up, and be quiet. My hormones make controlling myself more difficult. Yet, as I cry in the shower, I feel shame over my weakness.
Why am I even crying? It’s not for Neal’s lost life. Is it over Blair’s broken arm? I do feel like a failure for not protecting her.
However, I suspect the real reason for my tears is I want Silas to love me. Not because I’m a weak substitute for the wild woman who tore apart his heart. I want him to see me with my flaws and still think I’m special.
That’s how I feel about him. He isn’t just the brute who saved me from a violent loser and offered me a new comfortable life. I’m fascinated by Silas. He gets more handsome every time we’re together. I want to know everything about him. I love the sound of his rough voice. When I make him smile, I feel amazing.
That’s why I want his love to be real. Can he see past his broken heart and love the real Landry Windows? I doubt it. I’m not my best self. My body’s tired from so many beatings and babies. I watch garbage TV, eat junk food, and can’t remember most of what I learned in school. I’m not smart or charismatic. I’m just a thirty-year-old mom, which was enough when I was married to a dud like Neal.
Silas is both a dream come true and like looking into a mirror with the worst version of myself looking back. He reminds me of my wasted life. I’ve made so many mistakes. The only people who like me are my kids, and they honestly have no choice.
I need to be sensible. With Neal, I knew my place in Beehive Ridge and with his family. I didn’t say much, never caused trouble, and focused on what mattered. My kids were my world. If they were happy, I could claim my life was a lost cause.
Thinking of Blair’s arm, I know I was fooling myself. Beau didn’t get to go to the special kindergarten. Beckett never seemed to get enough attention. Brooklyn always seemed to understand deep down how she’d lost someone.
I wasn’t a great mom. I messed up a lot. We didn’t eat interesting food. I wasn’t teaching them to be great people. I considered it a win if we got through our days with as little drama as possible.
My dreams were so small. Now, I’m fantasizing about a great love with a man I don’t understand. I get how he’s dangerous and loved another woman. He claims he lied to himself about her back then. I suspect he’s lying to himself now.
I desperately need to be smart. No more romantic notions. Treat Silas like a friend. Take care of his heart, give him what he wants, and reap the benefits by living here with the kids. If he loses interest, I believe he’ll help us get our footing in the world.
Focused again, I finish my shower and get dressed. I wear a gray pregnancy shirt with the words “Don’t Eat Watermelon Seeds” printed across the front. My wardrobe seemed fine a week ago. Now, I’m sharing rooms with a sexy beast who is once again waiting for me on the other side of the door.
Frowning hard, he states, “You’ve been crying.”
“I’m pregnant. Very hormonal. In fact, your frown is making me want to tear up again.”
Silas’s gaze remains hard, even as his fingers softly stroke my jaw.
“Do I snore?” he asks, startling me.
“No. Do I?”
Silas finally grins. “You’re so quiet that I keep checking in the dark to make sure you didn’t run away.”
