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I start out nervous over my first massage. Soon, I’m nearly asleep from the woman’s magic fingers. When she works at my back muscles, I make the same weird moan as when Silas kisses my throat.
Wynonna finds her voice and asks, “Are you still waiting until after the delivery to get porked by the mighty salami?”
“Words too difficult,” I mumble as the masseuse works out the knot always on the back of my right thigh. “Ask later.”
Wynonna chuckles while the sisters are so quiet that I nearly think they’ve left. Only after we’ve finished up and wear mud masks, do I answer Wynonna’s question.
“He wants to wait.”
“Can’t you shove your boob into his hand and make it happen?”
“He’s very resistant to my charms.”
“Doubtful. You just need to slather on the bait.”
“How?”
“After we finish here and get lunch, let’s go lingerie shopping. We’ll get sexy negligees.”
Selene looks at Yazmin who doesn’t react. Wynonna waves off the silent comment.
“She can wear one without having a man. No harm in walking around sexy in her house and giving Havana something beautiful to look at.”
Yazmin allows a little grin before checking her phone to see the puppy. I start feeling like a bad mom and pull out my new phone to figure out how to tap into the house’s video. Of course, the kids aren’t napping, so none of the cameras show anything.
I end up texting Rosemary to see how they are. She sends pictures—Blair riding her bike, Beau lining blocks up in the sandbox, and Brooklyn and Beckett inside the new outdoor playhouse. My babies look so happy and comfortable as if this is the only life they’ve ever known.
At lunch, I show off the pictures to Wynonna and the sisters. I notice how Selene and Yazmin wear wistful expressions. Though I consider asking if they want children, I sense I best keep my mouth zipped.
“I’m throwing you a baby shower,” Wynonna insists.
“Can’t today be the shower?”
“You didn’t get any presents,” Selene says softly as she eyes my phone as if thinking of the pictures.
I immediately feel guilty like the new baby is special while my older four aren’t. Wynonna is too busy eyeballing the menu to notice my tears, but Selene hands me a tissue from her bag.
“Don’t do that,” Wynonna tells me when she sees me emotional. “You’re setting yourself up for a long stretch of bad feelings.”
Lowering my head, I force myself to bend to her expectations. I’m used to getting bossed around. But then, I hear Silas’s voice in my head, demanding I push back.
“Why?” I ask when she returns to frowning at the menu.
Wynonna sets it aside and sighs like I’m a moron. “When Beckett turns three, you’ll take him to Chuck E. Cheese or throw him a party at your house. There’ll be presents, balloons, treats, and other kids. He’ll have a better third birthday than Brooklyn did, so you’ll feel guilty. Then, she’ll have a better fourth birthday than Beau did. Each Christmas at Nomad’s big house will be fancier than your kids had with the other guy. That’ll make you feel guilty, too. You’ll forever feel like shit.”
Wynonna’s words hurt because I know she’s right. Seeing me struggling, she continues, “Money makes life easier. Just a few weeks ago, you didn’t have any support. Everything is naturally going to be better now. So, you can either feel bad about how your kids got screwed before. Or you can be happy with how you did your best then and how they have it better now. One choice does no one any good. The other lifts a burden from your shoulders. So, if I was in charge, I’d say you don’t look back when you can instead look forward.”
At first, I feel embarrassed with Selene and Yazmin watching me. That’s when Silas’s words return to me. The sisters are weird and had rough lives. They aren’t judging me. I shouldn’t judge them.
Real friends don’t do that to each other. That’s why Silas can be honest around the other Steel Berserkers. They like him despite his flaws. He feels the same way about them.
“I’d like to have a baby shower,” I say rather than shoot down more pampering. “With Blair, the party was mostly a chance to mock me for being fat. Like all the games were ‘guess how big the preggo’s gotten.’ It wasn’t fun.”
“None of those stupid games,” Wynonna insists. “We’ll buy you stuff and drink shit you can’t enjoy and maybe watch a porno. It’ll be great.”
I frown at that last part. My gaze flashes to Selene who is staring blankly. I see when Wynonna’s porno thing registers. Her golden-brown eyes widen, and she looks at Yazmin. Her sister just shrugs.
“We’ll invite Rosemary and Callie, too,” Wynonna says and sets her menu aside before smiling. “Goose, too. She’ll fucking love that.”
