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‘You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,’ I murmur into his chest.
‘Not as much as I missed you,’ he replies. ‘The calls didn’t dry up because I was losing interest. I just couldn’t bear hearing your voice and knowing that I couldn’t see you. It was so painful, and every time I spoke to you, Mum would kick off about something. She was terrified of you, I can see that now, because she wanted me to herself. So I had to find times when I knew you wouldn’t be working and she was out of earshot, and then I wanted to hear your voice so badly, but I knew it would hurt like hell afterwards. If it’s any help, I’ve been a mess too.’
‘Stop talking,’ I whisper, ‘and just hold me.’
33
‘Tell me what happened.’ We’re still in the café, but we’ve moved out of the kitchen. I’ve made us both a cup of tea and we’re sitting at Ron and Agnes’s usual table. We’ve hugged, cried, and kissed. We’ve made all sorts of rash promises to each other that I have no idea whether we’ll keep, but I can’t fully accept that he’s back for good until I know everything.
‘So, you know I enrolled her on the intensive therapy course?’
‘Yes.’
‘It was really expensive, well over a thousand pounds, but the consultant at the hospital said it was her best chance of staying sober short of a rehab clinic. I can’t remember the last time I saw Mum sober, and it was like she was a different person. She kept telling me how much she loved me, and how she was definitely going to kick it this time. I really wanted to believe her, so I happily paid the money.’
‘Okay, I get that.’
‘For the first few days after she was discharged from the hospital, I took her to the clinic and collected her at the end of the day. At the end of the first week, she said she felt some of the others in the group were looking down on her because of my van, and suggested she could use taxis to get to the clinic and back. I was a bit taken aback, I must admit, but in the end, I gave in and agreed.’
‘To be fair, your van is pretty tatty.’
‘It is, but it’s a bit much being looked down on by a load of addicts, don’t you think? Anyway, we found a taxi company prepared to take her for a fixed fee of twenty-five quid a day, which I also paid. She was so happy and she seemed to be doing really well, so when she said she wanted to book another course, I didn’t feel like I could refuse her, even though she’d already eaten through a hefty chunk of my savings. She was really enthusiastic, telling me how well she’d bonded with the others in the group, and that they were all staying on too. As long as I was there to keep an eye on her when she was at home, she reckoned she would continue to be fine. She was a bit erratic sometimes, but I figured that was all part of the adjustment to her new, sober life. Tell me something, do I have the word “mug” tattooed on my forehead?’
‘Not that I can see.’
‘I ought to. So, there I was, pouring cash into her rehabilitation and having a thoroughly miserable time in the process, and what was she doing?’
I’m pretty sure I know where this is going. ‘How did you catch her?’
‘I first got suspicious when we popped into the newsagent on the estate a couple of days ago. We were out for a walk together but I was peckish, so I decided to pop in to get some chocolate. She came in with me and, as soon as he saw her, the guy behind the counter started reaching for a bottle of vodka. I saw her make a slashing movement across her neck, you know, the type when you want to get someone to stop what they’re doing without saying anything out loud. I didn’t say anything to her at the time, but all the alarm bells were ringing. I made up my mind to follow her to her next appointment, to make sure she was really going where she said she was going. That was yesterday.’
‘And where did she go?’
‘If I wasn’t so angry, it would be funny. She literally hopped in the taxi, got him to drop her round the corner, and went straight into the newsagent. She reappeared less than a minute later, clutching a litre bottle of vodka. She was being crafty, I’ll give her that. Vodka doesn’t leave a smell, so I wouldn’t ever have known what she was doing if I hadn’t followed her.’
‘Oh, Matt. I’m so sorry.’
‘Not half as sorry as I am.’ He laughs bitterly. ‘I carried on following her all the way to the park and watched her take the first swig. It was like being kicked in the balls. I went back to the house, packed up my stuff, and waited for her to get home. When she got in, I asked her about her day, and I let her spin me all her usual horseshit about the clinic before I confronted her with the truth.’
‘What happened?’
‘She went batshit, that’s what happened. Have you seenGremlins?’
‘No.’
‘Okay, well, basically it’s about these cute furry animals that turn into ugly green monsters if you feed them after midnight. She was just like that. All the stuff she’d said about how much she loved me, how much she wanted to change, it was all a lie. She was screaming at me, telling me that I meant nothing to her, that she’d just used me for the money, and if I wasn’t going to give her any more, I might as well fuck off, because she had no other use for me.’
‘So all the money for the taxis, and the second stint at the clinic…’
‘Yup, she drank it. Well, not all of it. While she was ranting at me, she let on that she’d gambled quite a lot of the money I’d given her for the clinic. She had this mad plan that she’d have a big win, which would keep her going once she’d milked me dry and thrown me out. Of course, she just ended up chasing her losses, stupid cow.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I tell him. ‘If I had even the slightest inkling that it would turn out like this, I would never have encouraged you to go and look for her.’
‘Don’t be. In a funny way, it’s been good for me.’
‘How?’
‘I guess I always secretly hoped that she’d change, that she’d see what a mess she’d made of bringing us up and want to make amends. I hoped she’d be proud of me one day. But now I know that’s never going to happen. She’s only interested in herself. I was just someone stupid enough to let her con me out of a large chunk of my savings to fund her habit. She’s not my mother. I have no idea who she is, and I never want to see her again. That chapter of my life is firmly closed.’
