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“I have some things to get off my chest, so you just do what you do best and listen,” I say, sitting down on the ground in front of all the love from his fans. The cold, soft snow seeps into my leggings as I settle in, pulling my coat tighter against me. After a moment, I continue speaking through the clogged feeling in my throat. “It feels like a lifetime ago that I made the trip to this city, flutters in my stomach and my heart practically skipping a beat at the thought of seeing you again. Of course, we both know I was too late for that. I would never get the chance to see you. You were gone before I even got on the road.”
A cold, angry scoff comes out, the air instantly becoming a white cloud in the cold air. “It’s crazy when you think about it all. In a roundabout way, I have you to thank for the life I have. I’m pregnant with twins, I have three amazing partners that dote on me constantly. I’m even following my dreams and opening a bar that’s all mine. I’m surrounded by people I love and have every dream I’ve ever wanted, and even some I didn’t dream of, at my fingertips. You kind of set this whole crazy situation in motion, and yet, I can’t ever thank you for that. Not when you thought your life was the price you needed to pay for it.”
“You sent me to Rhys, Hudson, and Adam, hoping they could protect me from the past that you knew was coming for me. They did exactly what you hoped they would, they saved me. They’ve saved me in more ways than I can count. I found love and family with them, despite feeling like I would never be worthy of it.”
Shaking my head at the ground, the anger I’ve been trying so hard to hold back floods every inch of me. I place my glove covered hands in the snow and grab handfuls as hard as I can. “I just want to know why you couldn’t love yourself the way you loved me? Why didn’t you put half as much effort into saving yourself? They could have saved you. I could have saved you, too. You gave up before giving anyone a chance. I know Riggs said there was nothing we could have done because you didn’t want to be saved, butwhy didn’t you want to be saved?!Why couldn’t you have just given us the chance?”
Breathing deeply at the onslaught of emotion, I close my eyes tightly, trying to hold back the tears I’m not ready to shed. They sting my eyes, forcing me to press my cold, snow covered palms against my eyelids to stop them from pouring out.
The tears fall freely down my cheeks even with my hands there, my heart aching as I work through and let go of so much pain and resentment I’ve been holding onto. It feels good to finally release it all, even if it’s just to his grave and not the man himself.
“Why, Declan? I’ve read your letters, your journals, your half-finished songs. All of it. I can’t find any reason for you to have given up the way you did. I can’t figure out what would make you think that dying was your best choice,” I choke out, each word getting harder and harder to speak aloud. “You could have been therewithus. It wasn’t an either or situation. Your death wasn’t a catalyst for some epic white knight romance with your old flame and your three best friends.You. Should. Have. Lived.And a part of me hates you for taking your own life.”
A cold wind ruffles my black hair around my face, the strands getting stuck on the wetness on my cheeks. The chill goes under my jacket, causing a shiver to shake my body from head to toe. One of the guys is probably going to come find me very soon and take me back to the car. A little bit of cold won’t hurt me or the babies, but they won’t listen past their own over protectiveness.
Knowing I only have a few minutes left to get out what I came here to get out, I wipe my nose on my sleeve and inhale the cold air deeply.
“I need to accept that I’ll never know the reason you made the choice that you did and there will never be anything that makes what you did acceptable in my eyes. But despite my feelings about all of that, I want you to know that I loved you. There will always be a part of me that loves you,” I tearfully confess to the piece of stone that immortalizes Dec. “You were my safe space in one of the darkest times of my life. You’re a big reason for why I am the way that I am today. Your kindness, strength, and unwavering friendship shaped integral parts of me. I never had the chance to tell you that you saved me first, and I will forever be grateful to you for all you have done for me. It breaks my heart that I never could return the favour.”
Footsteps sound behind me, three distinct sets crunching in the snow alerting me that my time is officially up. I stand up and brush the snow from my legs then wipe the tears from my eyes. The final goodbye sits on my tongue, the taste of it bittersweet. “I love you, Declan Hallows. When I’ve lived out the rest of my life, I hope we meet again in whatever comes after. You, me, and three assholes standing over my shoulder will finally be together in the afterlife like we should have been in this one.”
Riggs puts his arms around my shoulders and pulls my back tight against his front. Rhys steps forward and crouches down, brushing at the snow on his name.
“I like that. The idea that we can all be together in the afterlife,” Adam murmurs beside us, his gaze focused solely on the headstone. “I’m not big on religion and don’t have much faith, but the idea that there isn’t just nothing after we die is comforting. I hope Dec is somewhere peaceful with his guitar and all the energy drinks he can drink.”
Rhys stands up and looks over at us with a smile. “I hope so, too. He deserves peace and happiness. I wish he could have found more of it in his life.”
Riggs tucks me in tighter against him, putting his chin on my head and not saying anything. We stand there like that for a few more minutes, just listening to the wind whistle through the barren branches above us.
“It’s freezing. Can we go yet?” Adam asks, jamming his hands into his hooded sweatshirt. “Fucking hate the winter.”
“You know it wouldn’t be so bad if you wore a jacket,” Rhys tosses back exasperatedly. “You make it so much harder on yourself.”
“They’re so bulky and restricting. It’s like walking around wearing a sleeping bag! Who’s fucking comfortable walking in a sleeping bag?” Adam argues, his face turned down in disgust. “Crazy people, that’s who!”
The rest of us chuckle at his ranting and start walking towards the car. Riggs keeps an arm around my shoulders, the extra heat he always exudes seeps into my coat making me toasty warm. Rhys holds my other hand, squeezing it tightly to offer me silent strength after that emotional rollercoaster.
Adam runs ahead of us, flipping middle fingers over his head as he practically dives into the car and turns it on. The dramatic shivering Adam is attempting to act out makes him look like he’s shaking his ass to a fast club beat. I laugh at his theatrics and slide into the back seat of the car.
Rhys boots Adam out of the driver’s seat and takes his place. Riggs climbs in the front passenger seat while Adam shuffles into the back with me.
“You guys took so fucking long. I almost died from hypothermia,” he says, shaking his head.
“Oh, that’s what that was. I thought you were just practising your moves to do another strip tease for me,” I joke with a shoulder shrug. “You got me all excited. Damn shame it was just you almost dying.”
Adam whips his head towards me, a sly smirk on his face. “You got excited? Really?”
Rhys and Riggs laugh in the front seat, saving me from breaking the poor man’s spirit. Riggs looks back at him from the passenger seat, with raised eyebrows. “No, man. You looked like an awkward dog trying to scratch an itch on his ass. No one is getting excited over that.”
I slap a hand over my mouth to try and stop the loud, shocked laugh that’s coming out at the image Riggs just painted. Rhys slaps the steering wheel, laughing so hard I’m afraid he’s going to need to pull over before he crashes.
Adam looks between all of us with his mouth hanging open like a fish out of water. “Fuck, man. You didn’t have to slaughter me by going straight for the jugular.”
“Just speaking the truth,” Riggs responds with a shrug. “Don’t hate me ‘cause you can’t dance or act.”
My eyes meet Rhys’ in the rearview mirror, both of us shaking with laughter at Riggs and Adam. The one thing no one tells you about having a harem of men is how much they bring out the weird in each other. It's both hilarious and exhausting at the same time.
The rest of the drive home is uneventful, the banter from before helping to ease a lot of tension we’ve all been carrying around for the past few days. The guys took time off from work for the week while we wait to figure out what’s going on with the Kevin situation. The new detective on the case, Paul Mercer, has only been able to figure out that there was a charity event at the psych hospital and it led to an attack and at least three patients breaking out. One of them being Kevin.
