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“Thank you, Paul. I appreciate that. This number is safe to leave a message on if for some reason I don’t pick up when you call.”
Paul and I say our goodbyes and hang up the phone. The weight of the implications behind Jarrod and the incomplete case files are enough to finally drag me down into the pit of depression that’s forever waiting for me.
My body feels like it’s filled with lead, each small movement so difficult to do, I just lie back motionless in the cushions. Sleep would help a bit, but if I’m honest with myself, I fear going to sleep. There’s too much vulnerability in sleep, not just for myself but for the ones I love. If I can’t protect them while I’m awake, then there’s no fucking way I can do it while I sleep.
Staring at the grey wall in front of me, I fall into the internal hurricane of apathy, fear, anger, and self-deprecation. There’s no way out of the storm of negativity, yet every moment in it just drags me further and further away from myself.
Time means nothing in my own head, hours feel like minutes, minutes feel like seconds, and so on. I could sit here staring off into the abyss of depression and barely notice an eternity going by.
“Baby,” Lay’s voice comes into the storm, a ray of light in the sea of darkness. “Rhys. You need to come get some sleep.”
Blinking away the images swirling around in my head, I focus on the sleepy, raven-haired woman in front of me. Her grey eyes are red and puffy from crying most of the night, while her face is scrunched in concern for me.
“Lay,” I whisper, her name coming out in a croak from my suddenly dry mouth. “I need to find answers before I can sleep. I need to keep you safe.”
Lay places her hands on my thighs, crouching down in front of me so we’re closer to eye level. “I know this is hard. I know it’s like waking up from a beautiful dream only to be trapped in a nightmare. It’s going to be a fight, not just to protect ourselves from that fucking psycho, but to protect ourselves from the darkness that comes with living this horror all over again.”
Leaning forward, I press my forehead against hers and bite my lip to hold back my tears. “I’m scared,” I confess so quietly that if I was any further away she wouldn’t have heard me. “I’m terrified to lose you. I’m terrified to lose our children. I’m terrified to lose our family. I don’t know what to do. Last time he got so close to taking you from us, and I can’t figure out a foolproof way to make sure that never happens again.”
“There are no certainties in life. We only have the power to control so much. We all want to keep our family safe, and we will do everything in our power to do just that. You aren’t alone in this. None of us are,” Lay assures me, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. “Riggs and Adam are both up and moving for the day. Come to bed with me, Rhys. It’s your turn to rest while you let the rest of us watch over things.”
Nodding my head, I watch Lay stand up and hold out her hands for me to take. The strength in this incredible woman knows no bounds. With a few words and an outstretched hand, she’s pulled me from the darkest depths of my own mind. I know I never would have pulled myself out, not for a few months at least.
“Thank you,” I say when we get to the bedroom. “I love you, Lay. I love you more than I ever imagined I was capable of. Thank you for accepting the good and the bad parts of me.”
“I love you too, Rhys. You don’t ever need to thank me for that. You accepted all of me as well,” she murmurs, brushing her fingers through the ends of my hair. “Get into bed. I’m going to cuddle you until you fall asleep, then I’m going to get some emails sent off for the bar while I lay beside you. You won’t be alone. I’ll protect you this time.”
Pulling off my jeans and t-shirt, I tie back my hair at the nape of my neck and climb into bed. Lay climbs in on the other side, placing her hand over mine and kissing me gently. The scent of her perfume from last night wafts towards me, comforting me alongside her warmth.
Closing my eyes, I immediately feel the pull of sleep drawing me in. My body and mind are exhausted beyond comprehension. Now that I’m finally in bed, I can’t fight my body's need for sleep. Not that I’d want to anymore, not with Lay watching over me.
This woman doesn’t even know she’s the sun to our little solar system family. We’re all drawn in by her, overtaken with the beauty of her light. We exist to orbit around her, and without her, we wouldn’t survive. While I fall into the darkness of sleep, I bask in the warmth of the beautiful sunshine woman beside me. There’s no fear in falling asleep when I know that as long as my sun is nearby, the darkness won’t last forever.
Chapter 6
Chapter Six
Alayna
It’sbeensinceChristmasthat I’ve been wanting to come to the cemetery and see Declan’s grave for myself. After the call two days ago, it’s been an almost incessant need to come here. There’s words I’ve been holding in my heart that I need to finally get out. With so much going on again, now’s the time for me to bury the things I will never get the chance to tell Dec again.
Standing in the white snow under the barren branches of a large, old tree, I stare at the piece of stone immortalizing Declan’s final resting place. His gravestone is a dark granite that’s as understated and beautiful as he was. There’s fresh flowers and notes all over the ground in front of it, the tragedy of his passing slowly fading with his fans, but not quite died out yet.
Declan Hallows
May 15, 1991 - July 9, 2019
If you listen with your heart, you’ll hear music in everything
There’s music notes engraved into the granite beside his name, each one of them filled with sparkling white snow from the snowstorm a few days ago. The sun shining down makes it look almost intentional, with the way it complements the glittering onyx of the stone.
The stem of the calla lily I grabbed on the way over is cool in between my fingers as I twirl it around, trying to build up the courage to talk to him. It’s silly to be nervous when you’re talking to a cold hard stone and not the actual person. It doesn’t stop the anxiety from flooding my body nonetheless.
After everything went down with Kevin Jennings Jr. over two months ago, I’ve needed to find a way to let go of my anger and regret when it comes to Declan. There can never be closure, not in any real sense at least, but I need to say my peace all the same. If only so the twins can have a mother who isn’t as weighed down by the pain of her past.
“Hey, Dec,” I whisper after a while, finally placing the white calla lily on top of his gravestone. “Long time, no talk.”
A dull, embarrassed laugh comes out of me at the irony of my words. It’s not like we’ll ever be able to talk again, his death kind of put a stop to that. Even so, I’m here to talk to him despite the silence I’ll get in return.
