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Clearing the clog in my throat, I nod my head with a fake smile. “Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go, now. I just wanted to say goodbye to the house. There’s a lot of past I thought I would want to move on from, but now, I’m reluctant to let it go.”
“That makes sense,” Jules comforts me, pulling me into a hug. “This house, while filled with a lot of bad shit, is still a connection to Riggs for you. It makes sense you’re having a hard time walking away from it right now. He’s going to come out of this, though. You guys will make new memories in your new house.”
“I hope so, Jules.”
“I know so, Lay.”
Juliette guides me out of the house with an arm over my shoulder, understanding my unspoken plea for help. Walking out of this house for the last time isn’t something I can do on my own. My best friend guiding me takes that choice away and I get to follow instead of being the one to turn away on my own.
“Maddie is so excited to meet Wyatt and Avery. She grabs my phone to see the pictures you sent me of them,” Juliette talks as we get in the car, doing her best to take my mind off of what just happened. “She was quite upset when Ashe didn’t have any of the pictures on his phone.”
Chuckling with Jules, I do my best to participate in the conversation for her sake. “That’s sweet. She seems to really love Ashe,” I comment with a pointed look that Juliette chooses to ignore.
Jules clears her throat, the flushed skin of her neck and cheeks bringing a small yet genuine smile to my lips. “Well, she seems to like a lot of people. She’s quite fond of all the construction crew, really. Just the other day she was all over Spencer!”
“Oh, was she? Were you also all over Spencer?” I tease, enjoying the ease of regular conversation more than I thought I would. “Ashe and Spencer, hmmm. I can’t say I don’t approve, because I definitely do. Just make sure everyone is on board before starting anything. Otherwise that’s cheating.”
“LAY!” Jules yells at me, moving so her blonde hair hangs over her face. “Stop it!”
Laughing, I throw my hands in the air and shrug innocently. “I was just saying. You need to be prepared. Not that I was,” I joke, with a slightly sadder laugh. “I fell into the relationship I have. The three of them kind of just snuck in and stole my heart, you know?”
Juliette tightens her hands on the wheel, glancing at me between checking the road. “Yeah,” she whispers, sadness coating her tone.
“If you do have feelings for any of them, or even all of them,” I state, clenching my hands tightly in my lap. “Don’t let it go. You never know when something may go wrong and you’ll miss your chance to say how you feel.”
Juliette nods her head silently, focusing on the road for the rest of the drive.
Way to go, Lay. What a way to ruin the only normal conversation you’ve had in over a week. Can’t help but bring people down with you, can you?
My internal voice sounds a whole lot like Kevin when it sneers at me like that. Apparently my self-deprecation has turned from past foster parents to my stalker. How wonderful.
When we pull into the parking lot of the bar, I almost sigh in relief. The rest of the drive was filled with so much tension, it was hard to breathe. If only I could stop fucking everything up and actually be a normal human being for once in my life. My therapist says that's the c-PTSD and postpartum depression talking, but this is one thing I don't agree with her on. I think it's honestly just that I fucking suck.
"Are you excited?" Jules speaks up after so long of silence, trying her best to still be a good friend even when I'm unbearable. "You're going to love it!"
Sticking with a non-answer to her question, I jump out of the car as I respond to her to avoid any awkwardness. "Let's do this."
Walking up to the bar feels like the air keeps getting lighter and lighter around me. Black spots dance across my vision, causing me to stumble and fall when there's nothing to grab on to on my way down.
"Lay!" Jules shouts, grabbing onto my shoulders. "Are you okay?"
I take a moment, breathing in and out, trying to kick-start my lungs into working again. Coming up to the bar shouldn't make me so terrified I stop breathing entirely, but here I am. The panicked fluttering in my chest is a minute too late to alert me to the panic attack taking over my entire body.
There's more voices and hands, but I can't follow who it is or why they're fucking touching me. There's too many people, too many sets of hands. I'm being dragged down to the pits of Hell by the demons who have worked so hard to destroy me time and time again. If only I could suck in enough air, I could fight them off and save myself.
Who am I kidding? I can't save myself. I can't save my men. I can't save anyone. I should let the demons take me. It would make everyone's lives easier without me here. I would stop fucking it all up. People wouldn't die because of me!
"Follow my voice, Lay. Come back to us," Adam calls out from somewhere outside the darkness. "You can do it, baby. Follow my voice out of wherever your mind is trying to take you. You don't belong there, you belong here with us."
The darkness recedes from my vision, the air moving in and out of my lungs a little bit easier with every word from Adam. Someone's arms are around me from behind while Adam sits on the ground, my legs across his lap. The hard stones and asphalt of the parking lot digs into my lower back, where I rest between Adam and Rhys.
"Are you back with us, love?" Rhys mumbles above my head, his fingers stroking through my hair lovingly. At my barely there nod, he exhales. "Thank god. You scared the fucking shit out of us."
"Why are you here? I thought you were at the new house," I whisper, my strength still nowhere to be found.
Adam rubs my legs, smiling sadly at me. "We were trying to surprise you for your birthday. We've been planning a party for months, but with everything going on, we decided to move it from next weekend to this one. We thought maybe you could use a cheering up."
"I'm so sorry, Lay. We didn't think it would send you into a panic attack," Rhys apologizes, kissing me gently.
