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I answered the door and asked him what he was doing out here so late. His mood earlier made me think that he didn’t want to be around me or talk to me.
“I need to talk to you, Amber. We can't leave it like this.”
“If I didn't know any better, Frank, I would think that you didn’t want to talk at all.”
He grinned a little bit and told me that he probably didn't. There was something on his mind very clearly and it was hard for me to ignore it. I was mad at him, mad at myself for thinking that this could work. I convinced myself it was for the best, it had to be. But when he looked at me like that, raw desire so close to the surface, everything that made it unthinkable, fell away. I was left with thoughts that I shouldn’t be having.
“Why are you mad at me? I just don’t know what happened.”
I let him in, and I told him that I wasn't mad at him. I was though. I was mad at someone, and he got part of it.
“I'm not mad at you, Frank. Everything just got so complicated. I didn't mean for my old world to come into this one, I wanted to keep them as separate as possible.”
“Why do you want to keep your life separate?”
I waved my hand around. “What do you think? I'm living in your pool house and my ex-boyfriend stole your watch. I can't imagine that you've had that trouble with your other nannies.”
“And you think that you are just another nanny?”
“I don't know, maybe it was Alice who ran through them, maybe it was you.”
I didn't even know if I believed it, but it was a thought that had come to my mind a couple of times. Here I was thinking that it was real and whatever it was between us was a special moment, but there could very easily be another woman that was thinking the same thing. How was I to know the truth? It’s not like stuff like that didn’t happen. Rich men thought that they could have everyone and anyone. They lived above the rules. Frank could be no different.
“You can't think that.”
“Why can't I? I don't really even know you; I know a little bit about you and some of it I don't even think it's true.”
Frank shook his head. “I don't even know what's happening right now. You got the watch back and everything is fine. Why do we have to fight about it anymore?”
I told him that we didn't have to fight, but when he moved to give me a kiss, I said that it would be best if we kept things professional. It was hard for the words to even come out of my mouth because it was probably the last thing that I wanted, but I said it and Frank backed away from me like I was tainted or something. Why did that bother me so much?
“You're right. I will back off.”
He was gone before I could say anything else and even though it was what I had asked for, I wished he wouldn’t have. What I wanted was for the two of us to make love like we had before.
“I just need this [SS2] job, Frank. I care a lot about your daughter, and I am sorry that the incident happened with Tommy. I will not see him again.”
Frank sighed and agreed, leaving before [SS3] I could tell him to go. I didn't want him to walk away, I wanted him to try and fight for whatever it was between us. That wasn't meant to be though. He didn't think it was worth fighting for and in a way, I agreed.
Why should I even pretend that it would have worked anyway? There's no way, we were too different.
32
Frank
Iwent back in the house and honestly, I wasn't even sure what had just happened. Amber had just broke up with me I think, which was crazy, because here I was thinking that we were in a good place. She had broken up with me, but she made it clear that we were to just be professional now. I didn't want to be professional though. We'd had an amazing night together and I figured that we would have more. I guess I was wrong. Amber wasn’t going to give it a shot. She instead wanted to go back to pretending like there was nothing between us.
I cursed as I laid down that night. I was so damn confused and mad at the situation. How had this happened? One minute everything was going great and now it was over.
Sleep was fitful and all I could think about was what had happened and how it could have been different. What if I had never mentioned it at all? That was probably what I should have done. The last thing I should have done was speak a word of it out loud. The watch did mean something to me, but Amber meant more. I just didn't realize that it would be one or the other. I would have picked Amber every time, if only given the option.
The next morning Amber was there early and while I wanted to speak to her and had lots to say, she did not. I just got a polite smile and she asked what time I would be home. We were back to professionality and so help me that was the last thing that I wanted. I didn't want to pretend that I didn't love her and that we hadn't had this great time together. That seemed like the worst lie of all.
“Have a good day, Frank.”
For a second, I thought she was going to kiss me, and I should have known better. Instead, she smiled at me in a way that was torturous, reminding me that I could no longer kiss her and touch her. All of it was some new act of torture that I didn't understand. What the hell happened? It all happened so quickly, I think I had whiplash.
I went to work with all my feelings and my mood wasn’t getting any better. It wasn’t going to get better, not if I didn't have Amber next to me, in my bed. We couldn't just go back. Why did she think that we could? Why did she want to?
