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That eveningwhen I got home, Alice was already in bed, having tired herself out outside and Amber was waiting for me on the couch. She was reading something, her hair cascading over her face and something broke inside of me. I couldn’t stand to see her and then be ignored, not when I wanted her so badly.
“I'm back.”
She must have been engrossed in what she was reading because she didn't even hear me. When she looked up she had a surprised look on her face. I didn't know why, but the need to kiss her was overwhelming. It was like Amber forgot about our last conversation for a moment and gave me that brilliant smile that made me think that everything was fine. The problem was that I wasn't sure if it was or not.
I sat down next to her and asked how her day was and how Alice was feeling. She told me that she didn't hurt that much anymore, but now she was restless. Alice had never really been sick before, and I could see why that would be alarming to her. We talked for a little bit about that, but my mind was on other things. I couldn't just pretend like I wasn't thinking about her as well.
“Are we at least going to talk about what happened this morning?”
She said that she would rather not, and in spite of myself and the seriousness of the situation, I couldn't help but laugh.
“I don't really want to talk about it either, but I don't just want you to be the nanny either.”
“What is it that you want then?”
It was a simple question, but there was no simple answer. I hadn't even thought about getting with another woman since my wife died. Sure, I would see Jackie from time to time at work, but it was different. I didn't have any real emotional connection to her. Having anything more than just sex with her had never really crossed my mind. That changed with Amber and only Amber. With her, I imagined something more. Something permanent.
“I don't want us to just be friends. I don't want you to just work for me. There is something between us, I know you can feel it too. That might be something that is normal for you, but it's not for me. I haven't felt anything in a very long time. I honestly wondered if I ever would again and then you came along.”
“I feel it too, but it's just more complicated than that. We are from two very different worlds, and I don't know how it could ever work. I don't want to lose my job, but I don't think that I want a relationship either.”
She said it so plainly, like she had thought about it and still didn’t think it was worth it. I couldn't even fathom it because all I wanted was to be with her.
“Are you still seeing Tommy?”
She scoffed and shook her head. “God no, but because I'm not seeing him doesn't mean that I need to see you.”
“So, everything that happened between us?”
“It was amazing, Frank; I'm not even going to lie. I don't think I have ever been so well taken care of before.”
“Then why?”
“Because we met under the wrong circumstances and you saved my life, or at least any kind of life that would have been worth living. I owe you for that, will owe you for that forever, but maybe that's all it should be, gratitude.
“It was just a slip-up. We both know that it was a bad idea, you were the one who said it first. I pushed it though and in the end, it’s my fault for doing so.”
“It's nobody's fault.”
“No, it's not, but it’s just proof that this should stay as it originally was, professional.”
I didn't know why, but I couldn't listen to her talk like that anymore. Instead, I moved closer and pulled her into me. My lips found hers and I kissed her hard. In truth, I never wanted to let her go.
33
Amber
Ihad it all worked out in my head, Frank and I were going to stop whatever it was we were doing, and we were just going to be friends and I was going to work for him. I had thoroughly convinced myself that it was the way to go, not that I wanted it to go that way, but I understood that I didn't have a lot of choice.
Then he kissed me, and this was more than just a dainty kiss. This was the sort of kiss that hit a whole lot differently. I was shaking against him, not able to control myself, even though I had moments before told him that we were no longer going to do anything like that together. I melted against him, unable to stop my body's reaction, making myself a liar of epic proportions.
It was probably by design, but Frank did not let me up for air once. If he had, maybe I would have been able to think things through a little bit better. Maybe I wouldn't have been so lost in the moment. It was impossible to not react, especially when he was so quickly undressing me and quickly pushing me underneath him. It happened so quickly, him inside of me and then me calling out. He felt just as good as always, which was in my opinion too good.
He kissed me steadily, silencing my screams and this time he did not even pretend to go slow. Instead, he was moving at a rapid pace toward completion, and I merely had to cling to him, accepting the level of desire that he was bringing me, even though it was hard to breathe from it all.
It was nothing like the last time we had been together. It was rough and hot and desperate, all at the same time. It was satisfying and we were both breathing hard afterward. I didn't even know what to say. I had been so sure that we were done. I seemed to be very wrong on that front.
