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Amber
When Tommy had called Frank, he had been so sure that he understood the situation better than me, that he had put the phone on speaker just so I could hear what was said. He wanted to prove something to me, but I wasn't quite sure what it was.
Then, I had heard him ask if he wanted me back or not. It didn't seem like a trick question, but then again, maybe it was. Frank had certainly not answered and before he could, the phone was hung up and I was left wondering what had really been said or what would have been said. Would he have told him that he didn't want anything to do with me? Here I was thinking that we had something real, but that wasn't the case. Nothing was real. Everything that I had hoped for was all pretend.
What was worse than hearing Frank's silence on the subject was the way that Tommy had smiled about it. He'd known that it was going to happen, had called it long before I had. I thought Frank cared about me. Apparently he couldn’t have cared less about me. It wasn't even like Tommy was asking for money. It had just been a question, a thing to rub in my face more than anything else.
It had worked. Whatever part of my spirit that Tommy was trying to break was shattered when Frank said that. Or rather when Frank said nothing. Sometimes no answer was the strongest one of all. It was one of those times, and all I wanted to do was go far away from Tommy as possible. He had waved his stupid gun around and tried to scare me, but I honestly couldn't say that there was anything left to be afraid of. Everything that I thought was real, was false. Nothing mattered any more.
Tommy must've seen something in my eyes because he got rid of me before he could even get the money. He said something about me just making it worse and I knew that if that had been a possibility, I could have made anything worse for him, I knew that I would have. I didn't know if I ever hated somebody as much as I hated Tommy. It wasn't even what he had done but what he had made me see. He had showed me some of the worst things, and then held my eyes open to make me look at it. It was beyond cruel, and I didn't think I would ever be able to see him any other way again.
Frank was just the same. I would not go back, even though I loved Alice. There was no way that I would be able to face him, not after what I had heard and not heard on the phone. If he didn’t care, why should I?
Because everything went so bad with Frank and I really didn't have any ties to the city, all I could think to do was leave it. There was nothing left here for me and all I had was bad memories. I still wondered how things would have turned out differently, but there was really no point in it. Every time I thought about Frank or Alice, I reminded myself of how I felt when I heard him and the silence that followed after the question. It didn't matter what I wanted to be real. The truth was Frank did not care about me. That was the end of it.
Moving on was not so hard because I'd done it so many times before. I was the product of constant change. I lived with constant upheaval my whole life, and this just seemed like more of the same. There was nothing new, I kept telling myself that. Even though I had thought that things were different, that they could be different and something beautiful, I had learned my lesson and all hope of anything different was gone.
I got a job at a local retail shop and even though it wasn't the best job, and I certainly would have liked something better, something that paid anywhere close to a living wage, it was good enough for now. I found a motel that did a weekly rate that wasn’t too astronomical, and life started to get back to normal. I was just a tourist in that other life. This was my real one.
It wasn't until about a month later that my newfound peace was shattered. It wasn't because Tommy had found me, the thing that I worried about the most. No, this was something even worse.
I started to think about the last time that I had a period. It occurred to me, after I was sick two mornings in a row. I didn't have a weak stomach, and at first I thought that I was just sick with some kind of stomach bug, but then I started to do the math and it obviously became clear. This wasn’t sickness, I was pregnant. The very idea of it made me sick to my stomach again.
The fact was, I could be having either Tommy's or Frank’s baby. That was bad enough, not knowing which one it was. I didn’t even want to think about having to tell either one of them.
I was leaning toward, hoping really, that it was Frank’s. I'm pretty sure it was, if not using the condom had anything to do with it. I always had with Tommy, but with Frank, things had been different. They had been so spur of the moment and unexpected, that it hadn't even been an issue that was brought up. Chances were it was Frank’s because of that, which made me feel good in some respect, but scared the shit out of me in another. Frank didn't care anything about me, so who was to say that he would care or want to have anything to do with our baby?
38
Frank
After a couple of months of looking, I finally tracked down the man who had kidnapped my daughter. While there was a temptation to get him put in jail, he had treated her alright and I'd already made the money back, so it was easier to forgive him because of the outcome. What I couldn't forgive though, not by a long shot, was losing Amber. She was all I could think about most of the time, and she was certainly all I was asked about. It had been hell trying to find a new nanny, and I was going through a couple a month on average. I knew that none of it was going to change until I found Amber.
She was the reason for my little family’s happiness and when she was gone, all of that happiness was gone with her. It was a shame, truly it was, because I didn't know what else to do.
Talking to Tommy was going to be difficult. He was probably the last person that I wanted to talk to and there was also the case of trying to forgive him. That was the worst part. I didn’t know how I would react, seeing him finally.
I’d lost Amber because of a slight hesitation, and I didn't know how to get her back. I didn't even know where she was. So not only did I have to talk to him, but I also had to ask him for his help, which was probably the last thing that I wanted to do. I didn’t want to ask him for anything.
I could have called, but after all the time and energy, I decided to go to his house, the new one that he had bought with my money. I knew that he wasn't home yet, but that was what I wanted. I didn't want to knock on the door. I wanted to be waiting for him, in his living room, when he got home. I had a gun, but I had no intention of shooting him. I was there to get answers, and I was going to make sure that Tommy gave them to me. I didn't suspect that he would want to, so the gun was there to give him the proper incentive if it was needed.
Tommy got home about an hour after he was supposed to. I got his schedule from someone that he worked with. I also found out that he didn't go to work most of the time. Apparently, he had enough money that he didn't have to work. I tried not to be resentful about it because I knew that I was the one that was paying for it.
The inside was gawdy and tacky. It looked like he had more money than taste. I hated him and I hated everything that he stood for. What he had done to Alice, she still had dreams about it, and taking Amber away from us was probably one of the worst things I could think of. It was so clear that we needed her and not having her was a devastation. My daughter deserved to be happy, and she deserved to have Amber back in her life. It had been so long since she'd been happy.
Now, I felt the bitterness of how everything had turned out. It was crazy to think that it wasn't so long ago that I was happy. Now it felt like I would never be happy again.
I saw someone at the front door and I pushed my attention toward it. He was finally home, and I didn’t have to wait any longer. No matter what happened next, I fully expected to have Amber back in my arms before too long. There was no other way for this to end, no other acceptable way. I was determined that one way or another, this was all going to go in my favor. It was about time I got a damn win.
I was sitting in the darkness, wanting to see his face when he saw me. I let him come in, take his coat off and get situated, clearing his pockets, before I said anything. I wanted to let him know who had the upper hand. This wasn’t his half-baked plan. He freaked out a bit, jumped a mile high, and it made me smile. He didn't expect me to find him. It had taken quite a bit of doing. Tommy did not want to be found, especially not by me, but everyone made mistakes and he had too.
“Hey, Tommy, it's good to see you.”
“What the fuck?!”
His expression was priceless and almost made it all worth it. “Oh, I'm sorry, I probably should have called or something first, huh?”
I saw him start to reach for a gun and I clicked my tongue, telling him to sit the fuck down and not do anything stupid to get himself shot. It would be too easy for me.
