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Alice told me that she knew that.
“I don’t go into just any room; I go see Amber.”
I was surprised to hear Amber’s name, and I asked my daughter if that was where she had been going. I was constantly looking for her as Alice was never where I left her. It was hard to work when she was running around, but why was she going to see Amber? And why did she know Amber’s name and act like she knew her?
“What are you doing in there?”
“Watching television.”
“You watch cartoons in her room?”
She agreed and said that she had been doing it for quite some time. I remembered when Amber had cartoons on her television. I’d thought that she was watching them, but she wasn’t. She was just keeping my daughter’s secret. Did she know that I was her dad? I asked Alice as much and she shrugged like it didn’t matter one way or another. It did though. I liked the idea of Amber befriending my daughter because she wanted to get close to me. It wouldn’t have been the best way to go about it, but it would mean that the feelings I had for her that I shouldn’t weren’t wrong. I felt like there was something between us, and I wouldn’t go for it, unless I knew that my attention was welcomed.
“Yeah.”
“What else do you do?”
“Not much. She saves her pudding for me, and she braided my hair a couple of times. She is really nice and is going to be leaving soon. I don’t want her to go, Dad!”
Alice was an emotional little girl. She was hot to cold, and she got upset, really upset. I didn’t know what was spurring it on this time, but I tried to tell her that it was a good thing to be going home.
“No, it’s not. I will never see her again and she reminds me of mom.”
That stopped me in my tracks. Alice never spoke of her mother and to say anything like that definitely got my attention. I didn’t like hearing her say such things, but then again, I was glad for it as well. It was hard to know how to feel when it came to my daughter, my dead wife, and everything in between.
“Why does she remind you of your mom? She looks nothing like her.”
“She’s like mom though. She smiles at me the same way and lets me say whatever I want without getting mad. She answers my questions, reads to me, helps me with my homework. She accepts me.”
“I accept you.”
“I know, but you’re a boy. It’s different. I want to be around someone like me, a girl.”
I had secretly feared that the whole time. I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I was doing it alone. Her mom was dead and damn if I didn’t think that I was messing Alice up. She hadn’t ever acted like she did before. If she did, Olivia would smile, laugh it off, and diffuse the situation. I couldn’t do that all the time, I had to work. I missed Olivia in so many ways, but the way she was able to tame Alice and put all of that energy of hers to good use was impossible to replicate.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“I didn’t really, not until I started talking to Amber. She’s really nice and she reminds me of mom. It makes me sad sometimes, but I still like being there with her. I think I am going to forget about mom. It’s been so long.”
To me it was just yesterday, but to her in comparison, it was over a quarter of her life. She was young, but not too young that she couldn’t be reminded of certain things. Pictures helped. It wasn’t enough though, and as she got older, I worried how incomplete it was going to be with just me to guide her.
It was strange that Alice seemed drawn to Amber. I was as well, though in a different way, of course, but there was something immediate with her, before I could see how beautiful she was. There was a spirit in her smile, the way she had joked with me after such a horrific event. The way she had clung to me when she was waking up from a nightmare…
“I won’t let you forget about her.”
“I don’t want Amber to leave.”
“She is going home. It’s a good thing. I am sure she would rather be at home than here in the hospital. Most people don’t find it as adventurous as you do.”
“Well, she is going to stay in a hotel. How is that better? At least here she can be taken care of.”
It was always so plain with children. I did know that there was a question about after-care and where she would be staying. I didn’t want to know how my daughter knew all of that, just that she did. Maybe I could make this work for everyone. I had an idea of how it was supposed to go down. Now to make it happen.
7
Amber
Dr. Collins came in and it was good to see him. I had been talking to the lady in the admissions office with the hospital. She took care of everything financially and was explaining what my insurance would and wouldn’t cover. I had to leave basically. I wasn’t happy about it, but I smiled when I saw the doctor. It was hard to do anything else. Being around him put me in a good mood, which was hard to do recently.
