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“You better apologize, Lester. You embarrassed me to no end. Now everybody knows what you think is true and you don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
He looked relieved when I said that. He didn’t need to know anything else. Lester knew enough. Hell, all of the firehouse knew what was going on.
“I'm sorry, sis, really I am. You just left the other day at mom and dad’s. I didn’t get to say anything to you then. When I got here and saw Jeff, I figured it was better to get his side of it. You know how I am. Shit eats me up inside and I had to say something.”
“That was why we had already worked this out. You don't get a say in what I do with my life.”
Lester wasn’t listening to me though. He couldn’t see what he had done wrong, only that his friend had reacted that way. “I can't believe he hit me.”
“From what I hear, you hit him several times before he hit you back. You know that Jeff is a fighter. I don’t know what you were thinking.”
“I did hit him, but I can't believe he hit me back.”
I scoffed at him. Did he really not get it? I had yelled at Jeff and was still blaming it on him, but I hadn’t liked to see Jeff like that. I didn’t like him being hurt and I hated that it was done by my brother because of me. None of that spelled anything that I wanted.
“Lester, you busted his lip and he's probably going to have a black eye.”
“Well, he deserved it, so there’s that.”
“Why does he deserve it?”
“You know why, because of what he did to you, wants to do to you, I don’t know. I just know that he deserves it.” Lester wasn’t going to let it go, even though from his own admission, he really had no right to. He didn’t want it to happen, but that didn’t mean that it gave him the right to put his hands on Jeff.
I couldn’t stand the way he was talking. “Stop acting like I’m some innocent little butterfly that needs your help. I don't need you to look after me. I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself.”
Lester agreed, but still reiterated that he didn’t want the two of us together. He wasn’t going to let that go and though he claimed I wasn’t a butterfly, he didn’t want anything to happen to me, and he was still convinced that Jeff was going to hurt me. I didn’t think that was all he was worried about, but after today, I wasn’t going to argue.
I was about to make a joke, say something witty, but then we both got some news that stopped all of that. Backup was being called for a recent fire, the one that Jeff had just been sent to. I was shaking inside, worried that something bad had happened. It was just a bad feeling in my gut as soon as I heard that backup was required.
Lester started to get up and I tried to make him stay down, telling him that he was in no shape to go out there. He was still a bit dazed from being knocked out and had a bump on his head. There was no way that Lester needed to go run into a fire, but it was Jeff… I was torn and didn’t know which way to turn.
“You know that I must. It's Jeff. Something happened to Jeff, and I should have been there. He’s my partner. I should be there.”
While I felt the same way that he did, I wanted to tell myself that I was worried for no reason. Jeff was a good firefighter, my brother said that he was the best, so everything was going to be fine. Jeff was going to be just fine. There was no other possibility that I could handle, so I couldn't even think about it. All I knew was everything was going to be fine. I just kept repeating it to myself like a mantra, and I didn't hold Lester back when he tried to leave again.
I think I came to the realization that he might be the only one to save Jeff. Sadly, I didn't even know if Jeff needed saving, but this feeling I had made me sick to my stomach. I believed it. My gut told me that something had gone horribly wrong.
* * *
I waited around for word,and I got information as it came in, just like everyone else. Jeff was in the house when it had collapsed, and they were trying to get him out of the burning rubble. Nobody really knew what he had gone back in there for, but they figured that he was there to get the fourth person from the party of people that they had found. It left me shaking inside, with no answer as to what was going to happen next. I wanted a clear-cut answer, but it was just a waiting game, one that I was quite horrible at.
Word finally came that Jeff was found, the person he was saving still in his arms underneath him, and it looked like part of his suit had melted into his back. I didn't really care about the gory details. I was just worried about the fact that he was alright. Jeff was pretty, but it wasn't the most important part of him. If he was safe, that was all that mattered to me. I wanted to go see him, but I still had a whole shift, and I knew that Lester wanted to be there.
I knew that Lester wanted to see his friend as well, but it had gotten so ugly that it was probably difficult for him to face him right now. My brother was blaming himself because he hadn't been there to keep his partner safe. They’d always been close, but firefighters seemed even closer, like there was a blood bond that tied them together stronger than anything else. I had never understood it, but I think I understood it now. They were putting their lives in danger day in and day out. It must create a bond that was stronger than blood.
When I got to the hospital later, I thought I would be the only one there, but there were several firefighters already there making prayer chains and it was hard to feel like I belonged. I was still new to all this and because of what my brother had said today, I didn't want to act like I cared too much, even though I was practically dying inside to see him. I spent time giving other people relief, telling them that it was going to be okay, when I wasn't even sure if I believed it myself. Whatever the case was, I was going to stay there until I at least knew that Jeff was going to make it.
I wanted to be there by his side, it felt like I should be, but the doctors said I had to wait and listen for new information that would tell me instead. Jeff was in surgery, he had major burns on his back from where the ceiling had collapsed on top of him. The person he had underneath him was a young teen that most surely would not be alive if not for his heroic acts.
While I agreed with everything that was being said, I was having a real hard time listening to people talk about Jeff like he was already gone. He was going to make it through the surgery, and he was going to be fine. I didn't need a doctor to confirm what I already knew. I just needed Jeff to get through the surgery, so that he could prove it to the rest of them.
The more I let it all sink in, the idea of Jeff not being around anymore, made me realize that we shouldn't have wasted so much time. We could have already been together now for a long time, if only we had not wasted all our time like we had. How different things would have been if he would have agreed that he needed me as much as I needed him. It was hard to think about it, for the simple fact that I knew it was a reality that would never happen. For just a second, I let myself think about the idea that maybe it would never happen now because Jeff had been hurt.
Finally, the doctor came out and said that the surgery was a success. There was talk of skin grafts and how 30 to 40% of his body was covered in burns. I wanted to see him. I didn't really want a list of how bad he was hurt. I wanted to see with my own two eyes that he was alive, breathing, then I would be able to do the same. Right now, the knot in my throat was so large that I couldn’t hardly swallow.
Finally, when the doctor was out talking to the group of people that were there for Jeff, I asked the doctor if I could go see him. Everyone kind of looked at me. I could only imagine what they were thinking about me wanting to see Jeff, but I didn’t care.
The doctor asked me who I was to him and with everyone looking at me, I told the doctor that we were together romantically. I didn't have the guts to check out the reactions of my coworkers. It was all going to be the talk of the firehouse tomorrow. I didn't know if I was going to be brought up on disciplinary actions or not. I had no idea how any of it was going to work and right then, I didn't care.
