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There was a call that stopped my heart and made me rush to the hospital. My mother was having a heart attack and she had just gotten there from the ambulance. Of course, I played the last conversation that I had with her in my mind, and it wasn't a good one. It made me feel sick to my stomach.
When I got to the hospital, Jeff was there. He’d followed Lester there and he was in the room with her. Jeff was standing outside the room, telling me as I walked up that she was doing better.
“From what?”
I would quickly find out that my mother had to be brought back to life several times and things were not looking good for her. Without thinking, Jeff pulled me into his arms, and I let him as the flow of tears came out. My brother made a rude comment behind us, and it made me straighten up. Of course, he had something to say. I knew at the same time I just didn't want to hear it.
Jeff looked like he wanted to say something, but I told him not to. The last thing that anyone needed was the two of them getting into it again. No one wanted to see that, certainly not me.
“If you need me to leave, I will, but I would like to be here for your sister.” Jeff said it is as simple as that and what else could he say? Lester would look like a complete jerk if he told him to go. She was just as much my mom as his.
“You don't need to go anywhere, Jeff. You are still recovering and shouldn't be out and about anyway.”
“Like I said, I wanted to be here for your sister.”
Lester pressed his lips together, like that wasn't something he wanted to hear, but at this point, I really didn't care. I was sick of everybody treating me badly. I had fallen in love. It's not like I did anything wrong. He was single, I was single. Everybody was just making more out of it than what was necessary.
There was a tense moment, and I looked from one man to the next, hoping that there weren’t any fireworks again between them. We couldn't have them fighting in the hospital and I was ready at any minute to jump in between them if I had to. It was sickening for me to see the two of them so cross at each other all the time. They were best friends. Everybody was still mad at me about breaking them up, but what they didn't realize was I was mad at myself. I had known better, and I hated to see them fighting too.
I pushed past the two bickering men and went to see mom. I didn't want to hear how they were going to battle it out. I already said more than once that it was my decision what I wanted to do anyway. Not theirs.
Mom looked different. Her skin was grey, and she had her eyes closed. For a moment it looked like she was already dead, even though I could see her heart beating and her chest rising and falling. She didn't look good and seeing her like that scared me.
No one else came into the room for a while and I was glad for that. I had spent so much time in the hospital lately, that it just seemed almost natural to take the seat next to her and hold her hand. When Jeff was in the bed, I tried my best to send him happy thoughts, like it was somehow going to wake him up. I don't know if it worked or not, he did wake up, but I don't know if it was because of my hand or not. It really didn't matter at the end of the day because all I was worried about was mom getting better too. This was the last time that I wanted to stay at the hospital with someone I loved hurt or sick. I didn’t like it at all.
* * *
It wasmorning before I came out and she still hadn't woken up. I had slept a little and I was surprised to find Jeff still there. My brother was in the corner sleeping and I went to Jeff.
“You didn't have to stay,” I started, embarrassed a little that he had. I would have come out here sooner, had I known. There was a wave of pleasure that ran through me as well. He had stayed all night with me.
“No, but there's nowhere else I'd rather be.”
“You just got out of this place. I'm sure that you'd probably rather be somewhere else.”
“Maybe, but you're here, so here I am.”
“I don't want to leave yet. Mom still hasn't woken up. I feel like if I leave, something is going to happen. I know it’s irrational, but I just don’t think I can do it.”
“Is that what you felt about me too?”
I shrugged, trying not to think about it. There had been too many days spent in a hospital lately. I didn’t want to think about how it had been when no one was sure if he was going to live or not. I didn’t want to revisit that feeling. It was the worst feeling ever.
“Why don't you let me take you home?” I started to tell him no, but he said he wasn't going to take no for an answer.
“You don't have to go to sleep, but you can at least take a shower or get some fresh clothes and get some coffee. I'm sure you will feel better by the end of it.”
He was right, I did need new clothes, and I would like to take a shower, but the idea of leaving her here at the hospital without me didn't seem right either. I asked him if he would stay for me, and he brought up the fact that my brother was there. Lester was also sleeping now, and I didn't think I wanted to be alone with Jeff. He had already woken me up earlier. I just needed some time to myself. I wasn't trying to push him away, but I knew that I was. Bad things happened and people reacted in different ways. Some people wanted to be close to each other and to take comfort in family and friends. I didn't feel that way at all. I needed time to decompress and to try to sift through my feelings.
Jeff wasn't happy but he let me go. I tried to tell myself that everything was going to be okay and there was no reason for me to worry, but I knew that wasn't true. Just by the way that mom looked in the hospital bed, so close to death like she was, it made me think that things were just as bad as they appeared. As much as I wanted to tell myself that everything was going to work out, I knew that there was a chance that it wouldn't.
I took a shower, changed, made a cup of coffee, and I thought about sitting for a minute, but then all I could envision was my brother and Jeff getting into it at the hospital together. I made my way back, hoping that they weren’t at each other’s throats again.
There was tension between them when I got to the waiting room, but there were no new bruises, so that was good enough as far as I was concerned. Lester gave me a dirty look and mumbled under his breath about Jeff being there, but I couldn’t help it and didn’t want to.
Lester was just trying to make trouble. That's why I knew that we could never be together, because of how Lester was. He would never let it go. It would just continue on and on. He would poison people against me, maybe even against Jeff.
Jeff and I went to get some coffee and I asked how Lester was.
