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“I don’t know that he’sinlove,” I disputed defensively while trudging over the grass Dad kept neat and trimmed.
Devin chuckled like he knew something I didn’t. “Oh, come on, man. This guy is done for, and you know it. But anyway, my question is, how long does it get dragged out like that?”
“I dunno,” I muttered with a shrug as I opened the garage door.
“Well, you know Jon?” he asked, mentioning his band’s pianist. I did know him. I knew him well. “So, his wife, Tess, is an author. And she talks about, you know, killing your darlings or … or trimming the fat. Like, editing the unnecessary bullshit to make a more polished product.”
“Okay,” I replied, thinking about the wannabe author I knew while grasping for the chain to turn on the light. The cool metal hit my palm, and I gave it a little tug. Then, the garage flooded with a dark, dingy light to reveal piles of garbage and junk.
“I think what we need to do here is trim the fat,” Devin went on. “Maybe cut some of the weaker, more redundant songs and get some others in there that wrap the whole thing up.”
I value his opinion, I had to remind myself.
He was only making a suggestion, offering his expertise, and I had the right to tell him no. But I heard what he was saying now, more than I had a while back when he initially told me the album needed work, and I nodded thoughtfully.
“I hear you,” I said, surveying the mile-high mound of crap to go through. “It’s just hard to know how it ends, I guess.”
“You know how youwantit to end,” Devin said. “So, make it happen.”
He spoke like I had any kind of control in the matter, but what I was learning was, there was nothing I could do about Lennon. I couldn’t cut her out of my life any more than she could cut me from hers, nor could I do anything about my feelings. But that question—when does it end?—struck a chord.
Whendoesit end?
It had been six months since I’d met her, since she’d changed everything, and now, she was in a relationship. She wasn’t hanging on to me the way I hung on to her, and why? Was it possible I could actually love this woman? And so what if I did? Was I really going to spend the rest of eternity holding on to the possibility of something that might never come to be?
I wasn’t a kid anymore. It had been over twenty years since I had been in high school. Six months now wasn’t the same as it had been then. Six months was enough time to know if you were going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Six months was long enough to plan a wedding and get married. And it was too long to let this shit go on.
“Dev, man, I’m gonna let you go,” I said, yanking the chain and turning off the light. “I’ll write a couple of songs to wrap this shit up.”
“All right,” he replied. “Take care, man. Keep in touch.”
“Will do.”
I hung up and dug a hand into my pocket, making sure I had the car keys. Then, as fast as I could make my legs move, I hurried across the yard, through the gate, and onto the driveway, where the BMW was parked. Then, I got in and drove the five minutes it took to get to her house, barely making it to the curb before I jumped out and dialed her number.
Once, twice, three times, I tried calling before she finally picked up.
“I need to talk to you,” I demanded, breathless.
About what? What the hell was I going to say to her? I hadn’t even thought about it, couldn’t think about it on the way over. I hadn’t gotten that far. All I knew was, I had to see her, had to refresh my memory of her scent before I forgot. It had been too many days now since I’d had my fix, and, God, I needed it. Icravedit.
“What? Right now?”
“Are you home?”
“Yeah, but I—”
“I’m outside,” I said, looking up to the window I knew was hers.
It was dark; the lights were off. Was Peter here now? Was she fucking him this very minute?
“What?” she repeated before pulling the curtains aside and peering out. I knew she couldn’t see me well, lurking below in the shadows, but she saw my car, parked at the curb. “What are you doing here?”
“I told you, I need to talk to you,” I said. “Can you come out?”
She sighed like she was exhausted. “You’re crazy, you know that?”
“Maybe.”Crazy about you.
