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I sit day after day in Eli’s bedroom, dressed in his clothing.
Today I’m wearing a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt I found in his hamper. I wanted the smell of him on me.
I haven’t moved from my current spot in Eli’s room, curled up in his La-Z-Boy recliner, staring out the window since the day we came home from the funeral. This is my daily routine.
I watch the sunset, and I watch the sunrise again.
I’m always watching and waiting.
Waiting to wake up from the nightmare I’m going through. There’s no way this can be real. It can’t be.
There’s no way that a world can exist without Eli in it. I don’t want to live in that type of world.
My love is gone. My heart is broken. I’ll never be the same.
“The doctor should be here soon to examine her. I think we should ask about medication to help her sleep. She hasn’t slept in days,” Rowen says, voice full of concern.
They’re bringing their doctor to check on me, but I don’t need to be examined. I’m heartbroken, and there’s nothing they can do to cure me.
King sighs, and I hear him stand up from the bed and walk toward Rowen. The two quietly leave the room, leaving me be.
“Can I see my mom?” I hear Olivia ask from outside the door. She’s frightened and having a hard time understanding everything. I’m sure she feels I’ve abandoned her, and I guess I have.
That breaks my heart even more. She asks her dads every single day if she can see me, and every day they make her feel more and more defeated by telling her no. I can hear it in her voice when they deny her.
I wish she knew how sorry I was. How fucking sorry I am that I can’t be there for her and be the mother she needs me to be.
She’d be better off without me. They all would.
I don’t know how much time passes, but eventually, the door creaks open, and the bald-headed doctor comes into view.
“Hi, Lee, I’m Doctor Williams. Is it okay if I touch you?” he asks, coming into my line of sight. I don’t respond or even look at him. Instead, I look through him, looking out the window that gives me a view of the trampoline in the backyard where Eli and I once spent time jumping and kissing in the rain after he told me he loved me for the first time months ago.
“I’ve never been in love before. I’ve never had anyone to love, and I probably won’t be any good at it, but you make me want to try.” He wiped the raindrops from my eyelids. “You came crashing into my life like a thunderstorm. You were unexpected and made my heart beat for the first time.” He pressed his lips against mine and kissed me.
“I’m sorry for what I did to you. Forgive me, hellion."
I had smiled at his words and returned his kiss. "I've already forgiven you, Eli."
"I will love you until the end of time."
I can still hear his whispered words in my ears. That day was perfect.
Dr. Baldie with cold hands doesn’t wait for consent, probably because he knows I won’t answer him.
He shines his stupid fucking light in my eyes, probably to see if anyone is home.
He examines me, and I want to tell him to get fucked because I’m not physically sick or wounded, but I can’t. How can I explain that it’s my soul that aches? My heart that aches? No medication or exam can cure me.
“What’s wrong with her?” Ace asks. Yet again, they speak as if I’m not there.
“She’s experienced something traumatic…she’s traumatized. We can’t expect her to get back to normal right away.”
“It’s been three weeks, doc. She won’t eat, sleep, or speak. She sits there staring. Please. How can we help her?” Dr. Williams ushers him outside the room, but I hear their hushed whispers through the open door.
“I brought some sleeping pills. If she won’t take them, crush them and mix them with tea. She desperately needs to sleep. Try and get her to eat something, even if it’s only a few bites.” I hear him open his bag and hand something to Ace. “If it’s okay, I’d like to draw some blood to see how her body is doing. Especially if she’s not eating or sleeping, she could be damaging vital organs.”
“Do whatever you need to do.”
