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Dr. Bald Head returns and sets up a tray of needles and vials to collect my blood. I don’t know what he thinks he’s going to find. Hopefully, he’ll learn that I’m lifeless and bury me next to Eli.
He takes my arm and sticks me with a needle, but I don’t feel it. I’d rather feel the pain of a thousand needles than the pain I’m currently feeling.
After Dr. Baldie leaves, Rowen brings me a cup of tea and a piece of toast. Fucking idiot. I’m not going to let them drug me.
They can all get fucked.
He tries to force me to drink but fails and eventually leaves.
They sleep in the room with me every night, babysitting me, probably to make sure I don’t take one of their guns and blow my brains out.
As much as I want to do it, I won’t. I refuse to do that to Olivia, even though I’m sure that would be better than the zombie mother she has currently.
When night comes, King climbs onto the bed behind my chair and makes himself comfortable. He tried to get me to sleep with him, but I don’t want to be touched, and thankfully he knows that.
Eventually, King’s breathing deepens, and his soft snores fill the room. With stiff limbs, I quietly stand from the chair, my bones cracking as I stretch for the first time in days. Forcing myself to blink, my eyes burn with the sudden moisture.
It feels weird standing after so long. Quietly, I leave the room, walk down the stairs, walk out to the backyard, and find myself standing at the pool ledge.
With a deep breath, I jump into the clear water lit up by the pool lights, sinking to the bottom.
Closing my eyes, I exhale and scream. I scream so fucking much that the water around me bubbles and gurgles around my mouth.
I’m still screaming when arms wrap around me and pull me up from the bottom. King swims us to the edge, sets my body on the ledge, and pulls himself out. Quickly he grabs a clean towel from the towel rack we keep outside and wraps it around me, holding me tightly to him.
“Are you trying to kill yourself, butterfly?” He scowls at me. “I can’t fucking lose you too, do you understand me?” He shakes my shoulders as if he’s trying to shake some sense into me.
For the first time in a long time, I look at him. I look at him and notice the dark bags under his eyes, unkempt facial hair, and blood-red eyes.
King is just as heartbroken as I am, and I’ve been too blind and focused on my grief that I haven’t noticed what he and Rowen must be going through. What everyone must be going through.
I wasn't trying to kill myself by jumping into the pool. I just want to feel.
“I miss him.” I speak for the first time in days. “I miss him so fucking much, and it hurts.” He pulls me against him and wraps his arms around me, hugging me tightly.
“I know you do, butterfly. I do, too. I fucking miss him.” Our bodies shake together as uncontrollable sobs rake through us.
“It hurts so much that sometimes I can’t even breathe. My heart fucking hurts.” I dig my nails into the skin of his back, clawing him closer to me.
“You can’t leave me, butterfly. You have to stay. You have to stay for our family and yourself because Eli would want you to.” I pull back and look at him, my bottom lip trembling, my body shivering from the cold.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Suddenly I feel embarrassed to look at him because of all I’ve put everyone through. I look away, too ashamed to make eye contact.
King places a hand under my chin and tilts my head back. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Promise me you will not shut down and shut me out again. I need you too much for you to block me out.”
“I promise I won’t ever again.” He presses his lips against mine and breathes life back into me.
forty-six
LEE
“Hello,Lee. How are you feeling today?” Dr. Williams asks with a smile. This is his second visit this week, and I’m not sure why he’s here again. I didn’t need anything from him the first time he was here, and I don’t need anything from him now.
Since seeing him, I’ve been eating, and I’ve showered, changed my clothes, and slept. There’s no reason for another visit from him.
“Thanks for showing me in, Rowen, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to speak to Lee privately.”
Ro shakes his head quickly. “No can do, doc. I’d like to stay.” He looks to me, expecting me to ask him to stay.
