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“Just try to keep it civil. That’s all I ask.” One can hope, right?
“I’ll do my best. Let’s talk about something other than Aiden. How’s therapy going?”
I give him a rundown of my conversation with Dr. Thomason earlier today. She was a therapist that came highly recommended, particularly because of her work with PTSD patients and the different ways it can have a profound effect on your day-to-day life.
Of course, most of today’s session revolved around Aiden, but she and I have been working toward implementing different coping mechanisms so I can eventually leave my apartment. That’s really my major goal with this whole therapy thing. And trying to figure out how not to blame myself for getting my sister and myself kidnapped. And figure out how not to bottle everything up. No man is an island, or so the saying goes. So, you know, all the simple stuff.Yeah, right.
“Are you still having nightmares?” Jackson asks.
“Not since the first night Aiden moved in. They’ve been happening less and less for the last month or so. I’m still not sleeping great, but I’m getting there little by little,” I reply honestly. Something I truly appreciate about Jackson is he asks the questions I don’t necessarily like to answer, but I always tell him the truth, regardless if it’s something I don’t think people want to hear.
Now that I think about it, I haven’t had too much difficulty getting better sleep since Aiden’s been here. It’s only been a handful of nights, but hey, that’s progress in my book. I chalked it up to being bone-tired, but maybe there’s more to it. Considering the way this morning started, I’m going to hold off on giving him too much credit, though. I’m still a bit annoyed with him.
“Does the idea of leaving the apartment still send you into near meltdown? And I say that with love. No judgment from me.”
That’s the great thing about Jackson’s and my friendship. There isn’t any judgment. He doesn’t judge my crazy and I don’t judge his kink. I already knew all about it when we met, so it’s never been something he had to hide from another person. I like to think that gave him freedom to be himself with me. A rare commodity for someone in his position.
“Not as much as it used to. My problem is putting too much pressure on myself to do it. At least that’s what Dr. Thomason tells me. She’s given me some techniques to get through it when I decide to make the leap. They help with the nightmares, too.” The idea is still daunting but not terrifying to the point of a panic attack. Especially if I decide to have someone, like, say Aiden, with me. I quickly run the scenario—us going for a walk, maybe enjoying a farmers market before the weather turns. It’s very Hallmarky and everything. I roll my eyes at myself over my silly musings.
“It’s getting a little late. How long ago did you guys leave the bar?” Concern laces my words even though I’m trying to sound cool as a cucumber about it. There’s no doubt in my mind that Jackson didn’t pick up on it, though.
“An hour tops. I’m sure Aiden will be there any minute,” he assures me.
I look out the window and spot his car, but no Aiden. Maybe he went for a walk. In the past, I’d taken for granted the idea of being able to just up and leave somewhere without having a meltdown over being out of my comfort zone. God, what it would feel like to do that again.
“Lindsey, what do you want from Aiden? Because from our conversation today, I can tell he has feelings for you. Even if they’re just bubbling to the surface, they’re there.”
I’d almost forgotten I was on the phone with Jackson while I was wistfully looking out the window remembering easier days.
“There’s an attraction, that’s for sure. It’s been so long since I’ve felt anything other than crazy. I’m not sure where I’m at, to be honest.” I sigh into the phone wishing I had more answers for my own sake, let alone his.
“Stop calling yourself crazy. You know I hate that. We saw crazy, and, babe, you aren’t it.” His voice is pensive with the declaration.
Jackson definitely takes issue with me even coming close to comparing myself to Helen. Yes, we both saw what mentally unstable really looks like and I know I’m not about to be boiling bunnies or anything anytime soon, but I’m still far off from feeling sane.
“Jackson, do you think it’s too soon for me to have feelings for someone since what we all went through? I can’t help thinking I shouldn’t be feeling this kind of thing since I’m still dealing with so much. Like, maybe I’m using this as some sort of coping mechanism or something? I don’t want to jump the gun and find out I’m worse off because I’m concentrating on all this stuff with Aiden and not getting my life together, ya know?” I phrase it as a question, but I’m really voicing my fears when it comes to starting a new relationship. Especially considering the shit show my life has become.
“I don’t think you have much control over when you fall for someone. Or who that person is, to be honest.” He grumbles the last part like he has firsthand experience and isn’t happy about it. He clears his throat and continues.
“I wish I had the magic answer for you, but I suck at relationship talk. Under normal circumstances, I would tell you he’s a stick in the mud and you can find someone a lot more fun, but I get the feeling he makes you feel safe and maybe that’s what’s important to you now. It’s okay for priorities to change. Fun is not the be-all and end-all anymore.”
I scoff at him.
“TheJackson Hayes is telling me fun isn’t the most important thing? Color me shocked.“ We both chuckle at my feigned surprise. I always knew there was more to Jackson than most people gave him credit for, myself included.
“Don’t go spreading that around. I have a reputation to uphold,” he says sternly.
“I would never.” I gasp, pretending to be offended.
“Seriously, though, no, I don’t think it’s too soon. I think if you have feelings for someone, you should see where it goes. You’re a lot less crazy than you think, and I don’t say that about too many women.” He laughs, knowing he is skating on thin ice with that little comment.
“Ha-ha, asshole.” It’s like he wants to irritate me today or something.
“I would just be sure you want to tie yourself to a boring ex-military guy who probably considers ironing his underwear a fun way to spend a Saturday night.” I know he’s rolling his eyes at the thought.
“He’s actually a lot of fun.” Why I’m defending him after this morning, I have no idea, but here we are. I remember how silly we were being last night before the kiss and the previous week of just talking and laughing at dumb movies. That’s the real Aiden. The one he doesn’t let anyone see. And damn, that kiss. There was nothing boring about the way his body felt pressed against mine with his lips consuming me.
Jackson is disbelieving at my suggestion that Aiden is a lot more fun than he gives him credit for. “Whatever you say. I’ll tell you this much, though, if he was willing to share his feelings with me over a drink and make sure I wasn’t trying to play some fucked-up mind games with you, then he has some pretty strong feelings for you already. Even if he is confused about them. All in all, I think you guys might be good for each other. I want to see you happy, and I already gave him the big brother speech.”
