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I look down at my hands as the tears fall to my fingers. I can’t look at him any longer and see him fighting himself not to take me in his arms and make it all better. I want to let him. I want him to make better, but I know it won’t work.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “But I can’t.”
Just then, the buzzer rings to our apartment.
“That’s Donovan and Kasey,” I say. “They’re taking me to my mom’s. You can stay here for as long as you want. I don’t want you to feel like you have to find somewhere else to live. I can’t stay, though.” I steel my spine, but won’t look him in the eye.
“Are you coming back?” He asks softly.
“I don’t know.”
I walk over to the door and let them into the apartment. Kasey comes in and gives me a hug, followed by Donovan, who walks up and shakes Aiden’s hand. The man looks so lost and confused right now. My heart is breaking for him, but I know leaving is what’s best for him. He’s the type who will do anything to help me even if it hurts him in the long run. He’ll stay with me through all this shit I’m going through, but I can’t let him. For both our sakes.
“Donovan, can you please grab Lindsey’s things to take out to the car?” Kasey asks. I’m rooted to the floor, unable to do anything for myself right now, let alone make a move to leave. Thank God she’s here to take charge.
Aiden is still staring at me like he can’t believe what’s happening. His eyes are glassy and his jaw is so tight, it looks like he’s going to crack a molar any second. I’m not one to draw out long goodbyes, so I take my sister’s hand as she turns toward the door and let her lead me out. At the threshold, I turn my head to Aiden, not quite looking him in the eye.
“Bye, Aiden.” All there is is silence. That’s okay, though. I close the door and make my way down the steps toward the car. This is the right thing to do. Giving him hope would be an illusion. It’s best to let him move on from me and my crazy. Maybe after repeating the words enough times, I’ll eventually believe them.
Chapter fifteen
Aiden
Ican’tbelievethisis happening. At what point did we go from happy and excited to explore this new thing, these new feelings, to nothing? Just nothing overnight. I’m standing here like a dumbass, unable to fathom that Lindsey wasn’t willing to at least try.Where is my fighter?I can’t fight for both of us, and she made it clear she didn’t want me to.
Numbness consumes me, making my actions slow as though I’m trudging through mud. Like the dream from last night. I walk back into the kitchen, where the plate of food I made for her sits on the counter, mocking me. What an idiot thinking a plate of food and some coffee would help me get through to her. She didn’t want to eat. Hell, she doesn’t want anything from me. Bowing my head, my heart is beating hard like it’s going to burst out of my chest. I grab the plate and smash it against the wall. Her coffee cup is next, flying across the kitchen and shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.
“Fuck!” I yell out into the silence.
I was completely caught off guard when she came out of her bedroom and laid out her plans. What could I say? She’d made up her mind and if there’s one thing I’ve figured out about Lindsey, it’s once she sets her mind to something, there’s little anyone can do to change it.
Walking over to the couch, I leave the broken glass where it lies and collapse into the cushions. This is not how I wanted to spend my day. I tried not to eavesdrop on her conversation with her therapist, but still caught a few loudly spoken declarations. She doesn’t think anything is working. Because of one setback? There’s no way I agree with that.
Maybe I could’ve fought her on this harder. Maybe letting her go to sleep last night and not pushing her to open up gave her too much time to be stuck in her head with those awful memories. I heard her last night tossing and turning in bed. Maybe if I had gone in there and comforted her, wrapped her in my arms like my gut was telling me, we would’ve had a different outcome this morning. Who the hell knows? My head is reeling trying to figure out where I went wrong.
Hours pass and I’m still sitting here staring at nothing. The sun is setting, and the room is washed in that golden glow I’ve always loved so much. It usually gives me a calm feeling of everything being done and now’s the time to unwind from the day. There is no unwinding from this day. All that runs through my head is how beautiful Lindsey looked in this light. How she would grab a glass of wine and we would sit on the patio, enjoying the stillness of the moment. God, the way her hair would glow in the waning light made it impossible for me not to stare. To touch her. To kiss her. Now this light just makes me angry—angry at myself because of all the what-ifs running through my head, angry at her for not fighting, for not trying when I begged her.
I take a deep breath, the thought of what I have to do weighing on me. There’s absolutely nothing to do about Lindsey right now. I wouldn’t even know where to begin at this point. Honestly, I don’t want to do anything other than sit here in my misery, but Abigail was right. Neither she nor Jackson deserved the shit I threw at them last night. I need to apologize, to make amends, but right now, becoming one with this couch and not lifting a finger sounds like a better option.That won’t do, though, now, will it?I hear my mother’s voice in my head. Dammit. I suppose it won’t.
After pulling up Jackson’s contact info on my phone, I take a deep breath. Fuck, I really don’t want to do this. Before I can talk myself out of it, I send him a text, asking him to meet me at the bar we went to last time. He answers with a thumbs-up right away, surprising me that he wants to have anything to do with me after the way I treated him. Maybe he’s just curious, or maybe he found out that Lindsey left me, and he feels bad for his part in her meltdown. Maybe he’s looking forward to rubbing the break-up in my face. Or maybe he’s waiting for his opportunity to sucker punch me. I wouldn’t blame him. Shit, at this point I would welcome it. Make my outsides feel as bad as my insides.
I throw on some clean clothes and grab my keys, heading to my car. The world outside looks so normal, so peaceful, like nothing has changed since yesterday. My entire world was upended in a matter of a few hours. I’m almost angry at the couple walking their dog across the street as the woman leans up and kisses the man as though he’s her universe, onlookers be damned. Can’t they understand how broken I am? Why do they get to go on acting like the world isn’t falling apart? Guess it’s just mine.
When I get to the bar, Jackson is in the same seat as last time. The time before everything started. The time when I had hope for Lindsey’s and my future.
I walk over and sit next to him, eyeing a beer and a shot of amber liquid in front of me.
“I didn’t know if this was a beer or whiskey conversation, so I got you both.” He isn’t smiling at me like he’s particularly excited to be here, but he didn’t throw a punch, so I’ll consider it a win.
“Thanks.” I take the shot and wash it down with a long pull from my beer. I’m not a drinker and the whiskey burns on its way down. It hurts, but that’s exactly what I want right now. I order another.
“Donovan told me Lindsey went to stay at her mom’s.” Jackson turns his face to me, and I see the discoloration on his jaw from the bruise I gave him. The satisfaction I felt last night is gone. In fact, I feel like a right arsehole.
“Yeah,” I breathe out. “Listen, I’m sorry I hit you and blamed the whole thing on you and Abigail. She was right. That wasn’t fair of me. I don’t know, man, I just needed to blame someone, I guess, and you two were in the line of fire. It doesn’t make it right or true, though.” I look him in the eyes with apologies swimming in mine.
Jackson nods in understanding.
“Well, it’s not like I’m not usually the eye of the hurricane when it comes to making poor decisions.” He shrugs his shoulders, sips his drink, and continues. “If I ever thought for a second last night would have ended how it did, or even got a hint that it would go down like that, I would have never agreed to it and would’ve stopped them from leaving the apartment. I love Lindsey”—he looks at me warily—“like the sister I never had, mind you. She wasn’t comfortable, and I blame myself for not seeing the signs.”
