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I proceed to tell her the whole sad tale. From feeling a bit of anxiety because I didn’t have Aiden there, to my breakdown in the bathroom, all the way to this morning. The more I talk about it or think about it, the more hopeless everything seems.
“This is a setback, but not the end. It was too much, too fast for you. The good news is you found your limit. That’s important to know.” It’s as though she doesn’t grasp the complete and total nightmare my life is back to being. Has she not been listening to me?
“What limit? If you think I’ll be experimenting with any more ‘limits’, you’re crazier than me. I feel like I’m back to square one. How can I ever be normal if I can’t do things normal people my age do? It took me months to leave the apartment and now I can’t fathom getting out of my bed. My limits are the bed… and the bed. That’s it. I’m done. I’m sick of feeling like I have no control over the shit that happens to me.” The anger is bubbling to the surface faster than my head can wrap around it. My chest is tight, and I’m about to explode from it all hitting me at once.
“You didn’t have control over that, Lindsey. The only thing you have control over now is how you’re going to let it affect your life.” Her sympathetic tone, which I usually find soothing, is grating on my nerves.
“I don’t know that. All I’ve been doing is feeling out of control and nothing is helping. Therapy obviously did jack shit for me if I’m still having meltdowns months later. So, what’s the magic answer, huh? Oh, I know, keep going, don’t give up, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Save the trite BS for someone who has a chance of being saved from her crazy.” I’m out of breath and patience by the end of my rant. I’m lashing out and it may not be fair to her, but it’s honest.
“Maybe we both need to accept the fact that I can’t be saved. I’m always going to be like this. I’ll never be normal.” I’m trying to hold in my angry, hot tears, but I know it’s a losing battle.
“No, I don’t accept that, and neither should you. There is no magical cure for what you’re going through. But talking about it and letting me help you through this is a step in the right direction.” She’s still so patient and so confident. Must be nice.
“I’m not doing this forever, Dr. Thomason. I can’t.” Tears pour out of my eyes, splashing onto the blanket I have wrapped tightly around me.
“I know you feel hopeless right now, but believe me when I say this will pass.”
I roll my eyes at that. Am I talking to my therapist or someone who writes Hallmark cards?
“It’s not that easy,” I tell her.
“I didn’t say it was easy. I said it will pass. And all the work we’re doing will pay off, Lindsey. You just have to continue the process.”
I know she believes what she’s saying, but I’m having serious doubts.
Our hour is up, and we make an appointment to talk in a few days. I close my laptop and fall back into bed. Really, at this moment I want nothing but to be a little girl in my room at my mom’s house. To live in that time when life was easier, when I didn’t have to fight for any shred of normalcy. I make the decision I should’ve made from the beginning and call my mom. She answers right away.
“Hey, baby. I talked to your sister this morning. How are you holding up?” The concern and love in her voice are my undoing.
“Mommy,” I choke out. “Can I come home?” That’s all it takes for me to break down all over again.
I walk back to the living room after packing some things and coming up with a plan with my mom. Aiden’s sitting on the edge of the couch looking at his phone. Waiting patiently for me.
“Hey, Sunshine, are you hungry? I can heat something up for you.” The hopeful glint in his eye at my sudden emergence from my room almost makes me second guess my decision. Almost.
This is going to be hard, but necessary. Aiden has been through so much, from having a dad who abandoned him to take care of his sister and mom when he was just a boy, to losing his sister long before her time. I can’t be another thing he has to “deal” with, another burden. I can’t.
“No. I need to talk to you, though.” My throat feels like sandpaper from my tears and lack of sleep.
He sits forward on the couch as I perch myself on the edge.
“I’m going to my mom’s for a little while,” I croak out.
He takes a breath and looks down. I see him trying to work out in his head what this means for us. I can’t worry about that, though. He may not see it at this moment, but I know it’s the right thing for him.
“I get that you’re freaked out right now. I do.” He lifts his eyes to mine, the pain in his gaze cutting me deeper. “But please, don’t run from me. What do you need? Space? I’ll give you that. More appointments with your therapist? I’ll set them up right now. Maybe Kasey can come stay here. I’ll stay out of your way.” He’s trying to remain supportive and stoic, but there’s no mistaking the plea in his voice.
“I wish it were that simple, Aiden. You have no idea. I can’t keep falling back into this shit and having you stuck here with me day in and day out while I break down at the drop of a hat. It’s not fair to you.”
“Lindsey, I don’t care about me right now. I’m good. You’re what’s important here. Let me be what you need. Let me do this for you.” His brows draw together, his tone begging me to let him take care of me.
I can’t help it and do the one thing I told myself I wasn’t going to do in front of him.
I cry.
“Aiden, you are amazing. The time we spent together has been the happiest I’ve had in a long while. But I can’t do this to you. I can’t sit and watch you worry over every little move I make, or every little thing I do, wondering if I’m going to break again. It’s too much pressure for me and it won’t be fair to you. I hate who I am right now. You say you see a fighter when you look at me, but all I see in the mirror right now is someone broken and scared. I don’t know if I can be that fighter for you, no matter how much I want to. And you deserve a fighter. You deserve so much more than anything I’m capable of.”
“So, you’re giving up? How’s that fair to either of us? I am in this, Lindsey. Whatever that means. Every step of the way. You just have to stay and let me be here for you.”
