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HANNA
The longer I wait for Jameson to arrive, the more nervous I become. My palms are sweaty, and my stomach is in literal knots. My liver tied around my pancreas. I have all of these questions rolling around in my brain, not to mention I have no idea what I will say to him.
The doorbell chimes and I wipe my hands down the front of my skirt. I didn't change from work, not wanting to give off vibes that I'm trying to impress him. I don't need to impress him, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't feel good to look nice and be able to think to myself, "Eat your heart out, Jameson Banks, this is what you missed out on."
I drag the door open, and he strolls in, placing his helmet on the counter. He stares at me awkwardly, trying to decide how to greet me.
"Thanks for agreeing to this," he rustles, the gratitude in his voice overwhelming.
"Well, I told you the truth, so that didn't leave me much choice."
"Still, I'm grateful. How is she?"
"Who? Ellie?"
He laughs hesitantly, "Of course, Ellie. Who else would I mean?"
"I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm just not used to this. I always have Ellie. I'm the one worrying and asking about her if she's not in my care. It's weird for that to be reversed."
"I just…" He pauses, pushing his hand back through his hair, "I can't believe this. I want you to know when I left I…"
"No," I stop him, cutting him short, "This is solely about Ellie. What we had, well, that's over. I don't want to bring up everything that happened. Not today."
"Okay," He mutters, defeated.
"So about Ellie." I continue leaving the statement open for him to finish.
"I want to see her."
"You want to see her?" I question, crossing one leg over the other.
"Yes, I'd like to see her, get to know her."
"Jameson, that could mean different things. You want to see her as Judson's brother and come around occasionally? Do you want some type of visitation legally? I need to know what kind of relationship you want with her."
He scoots closer to me on the couch, placing his hand on the back of my neck, taking me completely by surprise. His fingers entangled in my hair, his eyes searing into mine, "I want to be her father."
Those words send tears directly to my eyes. He wipes one away that manages to escape while I just stare at him in shock.
I wished for this. I sat up late at night for months, watching my growing belly, wishing for him to realize he made a mistake and come back. He never did. He never even called.
He leans in closer to me, almost as if he's hoping that I will connect my lips with his, but I don't, I can't. I jerk away. Placing my hand instinctively on his chest, pressing him back.
"Do you realize what that means? What becoming her father is going to entail?"
He shakes his head, tears now threatening his eyes. I can tell he's upset. I don't blame him for feeling emotional, even angry, but I will always protect Ellison. She is my number one priority now, not this boy I knew from college.
"Jameson, I'm serious. You can't jerk Ellie around and lie to her. You can't leave her when things get tough. You can't..." I stop, steadying my words, "You can't break her heart. I won't allow it."
He shoots me a fierce scowl, "I thought this was about Ellie, not about us."
"It is."
"Then why does it feel like you are reminiscing on everything I did wrong six years ago, holding it over my head. You have no idea what kind of father I would be."
I can tell that this is getting him all riled up. I know he's always thought that he was destined to be like his father. He fought it since the day Ryan got out of prison. He battled those demons every single day, the voices in his head telling him he was no better than his father. The ones that held the liquor bottles up to his lips and told him he stood no chance.
I want to protect Ellie, but there is still a part of me that will always want to save Jameson. As twisted and unhealthy as that is, it's true.
