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After dinner, I help mom with the dishes, drying the china with a hand towel as I listen to how wonderful Annabeth is. All about her achievements and pageants and how amazing Adam is doing at school. I just acknowledge and smile, but deep down, it hurts. It rips me apart that the one woman that is supposed to love me and nurture me does everything but. Her voice still rings in my ears every time I eat a meal or get ready for an event.
"Are you really going to wear that?"
"Honey, please find something more flattering."
"You will never find a boyfriend until you lose this baby fat."
I toss the towel down on the counter, retreating to my childhood bedroom. Dad and Adam took the ATV out in one of the fields, something about one of the grapevines dying. So I take a minute to enjoy the peace and quiet.
I pull out my phone and dial Jameson, hoping he answers. I need something to drag my mind away from my mother. It rings and rings before going to voicemail, a slight feeling of sadness washing over me. I walk into the bathroom, wiping the makeup off my face, erasing what my mother thinks is pretty. What I shouldn't leave the house without.
I curl up into the bed, scrolling through Instagram on my phone when I see something that makes my stomach flip. Jameson's arm wrapped around a girl, a beautiful, stick thin, and blonde female.
So he couldn't come with me because he had a date with someone else? I furiously type into the phone, my thumbs jamming down the letters like I have to mash the touch screen for it to work.
Hanna- Maybe it's best if you don't come.
A few minutes go by before he responds. He can't pick up my call but can respond to my text?
Jameson- What? I'm leaving in the morning? Are you sure?
Hanna- Yeah, I think that's best.
Jameson- Is everything okay?
Hanna- No.
Jameson- What's wrong?
Hanna- Ha! What's wrong? What's wrong is that I'm here enduring my mother, and you are partying with your new girlfriend. Have you already moved her in too? Let me know, so I don't accidentally grab any of her stuff when I move out.
Jameson- What are you talking about?
Hanna- I'm talking about my boyfriend, who is supposed to love me, having his arm draped over some model at Logan's house.
Jameson- It's not what you not thikn.
Hanna- Are you drunk?
I wait impatiently for his response, the anger building up more and more with each second he doesn't text me back. Is he kissing her? Having sex with her? He hasn't gotten it from me, so he'll get it from someone else. Someone prettier, someone skinner.
Hanna- Of course you are. You fucking skipped out on our trip so you could drink and party it up like you were single? Really Jameson?
Hanna- JAMESON!
My mother's words continue to race through my head as I power my phone off.
"Things would be so much easier if you were like your brother."
"Don't get upset, Hanna. What did you expect them to say after you binge ate all summer?"
"You will have to learn that you won't find a boyfriend until they learn to accept all of your flaws."
The thoughts eat away at me as I remember why I left home. I needed to breathe. I needed to feel like I wasn't suffocating in my mother's expectations. My mother's words still own me. I have to create some type of boundaries with her, with everyone.
Especially Jameson.
