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Aug 3
Av,
I won’t mince words. This will be my last letter to you.
I want to thank you and Nayomi for everything both of you have done to get my sentence reduced.
When I received your last letter, I didn’t know what to think. I was angry for a moment, I’ll admit. I thought you and your sister were planning and scheming for nothing. But then I heard from my lawyer, and some of the guys here told me to wait it out. I had to take my own advice and be calm. :)
Then we got the news last week, and the first thing I wanted to do was sit down and write you. But I had to think hard.
All I could think about was you.
I will always have love for you. You wrote me to say you wanted to know why things between us couldn’t go further, and I would not say back then, but if this will be the last time I write you, I guess I can say it now.
I’m getting out of here tomorrow; my stepdad is picking me up. Not exactly sure where I’m going, but I have family in Miami, so … maybe. One of the reasons I’m grateful to you and your sister is because next week is my 44th birthday, and I never thought I would be out of here before that. I thought I would be spending all of my birthdays in here. But, someone out there cared about me enough to have meetings and see a judge. You said you felt responsible, and I can see that you’re much more of a woman than I thought you were. I love that about you.
You asked if your age is the reason I am pushing you away. Avryl, it is not.
The reason is because of that night. Being with me, you will never be able to forget how we met. As long as I’m around you, I am a living reminder of what happened to you. Meeting me was a trauma for you, and I don’t want you to think of that day anymore, not for another minute. I don’t want to be the reason you think of that day. Not ever.
I’m not the same person I was when I went into prison. The only things I know about myself is that I would do the same thing again. I’ve taken another man’s life. I didn’t believe in God or anything like that before, but now I think I do. They say anyone is capable of anything under the right (or wrong) circumstances. Still, I never thought I would be capable of killing someone. At night I think about my karma.
I do not want you around me with this part of me inside. Knowing that I can kill another person…
Avryl, I don’t know if you love me. Sometimes I think you love what I did for you that day. If we go any further, I will be taking advantage of those feelings. I will be robbing you of your future.
You’ll say I won’t be a reminder of that day, but you don’t know that. We’ve been writing letters to each other, but if we see each other face to face, you won’t be able to avoid thinking about it.
Maybe we’ll see each other and be so happy it will be easy for both of us to move on. But I’m still afraid of who I am now. And when I get out, I will need to rebuild my life from the ground up. I have money, but I’m not ready to retire. The exact opposite. I’m trying to say that I love you, but I’m not ready to be in love right now. And if I’m honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready again. This is one of the things I’ve kept from you in our letters. I’m living with men who would kill, some of them just for a rack of ribs. The law says I am one of these men. I may spend the rest of my life rebuilding myself and my business. I don’t know how to explain it other than to say love isn’t for me. Not right now, and I don’t know if it will ever be.
I don’t expect you to understand any of this. Which is another reason our relationship cannot go any further.
I am sorry. Believe me, this hurts to write. I put these words down, and I’m still thinking I don’t need to send them to you. I could just disappear from your life without saying anything. Even though that wouldn’t be right.
You’ve changed my life, and I can’t walk away without at least acknowledging that you have made an impact on me. Not because of how we met, but because you helped me see the light in the darkness. I’m in the dark now, but I will never forget what you did for me. Your letters have given me hope for the future.
I will be grateful to you forever for that. You were a peaceful place for me in a cold, harsh world.
Love,
Ax
WHERE R U?
What are you doing???
What’s going on?
What happened with Lar?
Avryl allows the phone in her purse to ring and buzz. Nayomi has told the others about what happened; she can tell by how often the texts are coming in.
It almost starts to sound like a song, but she can hear no rhythm or melody. There is one man on her mind and one man only. Her pulse radiates through her body like a hammer pounding a nail into her. Pain so sharp her breathing becomes shallow.
She closses her eyes tightly, squeezing tears out. The pages fall to the ground as her hands tremble.
Children wail from the playground. Parents demand good behavior. A dog barks and further away, another dog howls.
