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I had few addictions in life; Cocaine, Sex and Olivia Taylor. Not exactly in that order, but I’d trade the first two just to permanently have the latter. She was my ultimate drug. There was no other way of describing it. Maybe it was the potent combination of lust and finding her so fucking irresistible. I didn’t fucking know. I did know that I wasn’t going to get caught up in that web of deceit and have my heart fall for her again. It wasn’t happening.
“The sun’s almost up. I promised to grab breakfast for Edith. Can we do a rain check?”
She stilled, releasing me. “Oh, okay.” She paused as I stood up and dabbed the cigarette on the cement before taking the butt with me into the kitchen and throwing it in the garbage as she quietly followed behind. “Are you coming back here after she has her breakfast?”
I wasn’t actually planning on getting Edith breakfast, but I supposed I should now since I had used it as an excuse to leave. “Maybe not. I’ll text you sometime this week if you want to hook-up.”
She was biting her bottom lip in that fucking sexy way she usually did when she didn’t know what to do, and it used to get me every time. Well, not this time.
“Did I do something wrong?” she rushed out breathlessly as she blocked my way out of the kitchen. “You askedwhile I was bent over with my legs open, and I answered every question you asked because you wouldn’t relent, but you were there and then you weren’t. I don’t understand. Don’t fuck with my mind like this. If this is your way of trying to punish me because I left you and immediately went to Liam’s bed, or maybe it’s your way to get a kick out of seeing me suffer… I don’t know for sure…” Her eyes looked like sparkling crystals when unshed tears formed in them. “Is it because I love you? It is, isn’t it? It’s turning you off. Or am I not attractive enough?” She sniffed, tugging at my insides. “If it’s my love for you that’s bothering you too much, I promise I won’t say anything about. Give me time to meet someone. I’m sure in a month I won’t feel this way.”
She looked so tortured I felt like a complete bastard. She was in love with me, and I had taken advantage of that, knowing quite well she would give in to me sooner or later. “Maybe, in time, you’ll realize you were never in love with me. Maybe it’s because I’m your first. They say it’s always like that for girls, but it doesn’t mean that it’s love.”
Her cries deepened as she shook her head. “I’ve loved you for a long time… I just didn’t realize it. I gave myself to you because, deep down, I wanted you to have it, yet I was too naïve to know it was love that drove me to hold off when Liam wanted to take it away even before things progressed between us. I’m willing for you to use my body, knowing that I’m going to be the other woman because I’m stupid enough to say yes, thinking that at least I’ll get a little piece of you—a piece of what used to be us. I don’t have any hopes that you’ll love me again—I’m not delusional—but if you just give me time, I’ll overcome crying like an idiot. Come back in a month. I promise I’ll be ready for you.” She then gave me an agonized look before rushing back into the bedroom, softly closing the door behind her.
I stared after her as I stilled, listening to her soft cries. My chest tightened with every second that passed. I wasn’t sure what to do. A part of me was urging me to go inside and tell her she didn’t need to find a man to get over me because I wanted her to be in love with me. Yet, the other part was telling me to leave permanently and never look back.
Olivia always made me question myself. When it came to her, I was a ball of confusion. One thing I would be sure then the other, I would be backtracking my words.
My gut was telling me to move…to go after her and see if she was okay…
But…there was always abut…
Would it be better for the both of us if I simply left and let her move on with her life?
ChapterSixty-One
I was cryinginto my pillow, clutching it so hard my knuckles were white as I tried to muffle the sound of my sharp cries. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t he go through with it? Question after question swirled in my brain as I tortured myself into thinking he was probably spoon feeding Edith, showering her with love and affection when he couldn’t even stand touching me for long without being disgusted.
I was on a roll when I suddenly felt him hug me from behind, scooping me into the security of his body as he held me tight. “Hearing you cry still does things to me. I guess nothing’s changed on that part,” he softly spoke against my neck.
Closing my eyes, I remembered the days when he used to hold me this close to make me feel better. How times had changed… That this time around he was comforting me because I loved him when he no longer felt the same was a cruel bit of irony. How did I kill this feeling? I wanted it to go away so badly, so I could have something of him again. I couldn’t bear the thought of him pulling away from me; I just wouldn’t let that happen. There was something between us, and I knew it was worth fighting for.
“Don’t leave until I fall asleep… please,” I begged, wanting to savor this moment of falling asleep in his arms again. I knew this might be the last time, and I wanted to remember it.
As quietly as I could, my tears fell, weeping silently for the man I had lost in the middle of my indecisiveness. Losing him—his love—made me lose myself. I was drifting into unchartered waters, into a place where I knew I might drown soon. It was a sink or swim world, yet I had no hopes in me to keep afloat.
“I’m sorry for hurting you before. I wished I knew that I loved you then… and you’d still be with me. You’d still love me. You’d still be crazy about me. I’ve missed you, and it hurts every day to think that I’m not yours anymore.”
“Olivia, don’t do this to yourself.”
“I don’t know how to stop. Tell me how. Tell me how you stopped loving me so I can do the same. I hate this.” I was going crazy every day. How long would this go on? “I’m begging here, tell me what to do!”
“I don’t think I should tell you. It was different for me. I wanted so much out of us, out of you, and you didn’t know what you wanted.”
Wiping my tears away, I rolled to my side, staring into his face. “How did you do it?”
His throat bobbed before answering me. “Booze. Lots of drugs. Women of all types—and lots of it on a daily basis.”
I nodded, branding his formula into my head. “Thanks for telling me.”
His eyes lingered on my face as if committing it into his memory. So I did the same, trying not to cry as my fingers reached out to touch the bottom of his lips, wanting to remember how sweet and passionate his kisses were.
“You were never planning on coming back after today.” It wasn’t a question, but the plain truth. I still knew a bit of him to see the answers in his eyes before he confirmed them.
“I thought it was what I wanted, but when I was about to commit to it, I wasn’t sure if I could keep on going. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I guess it’s better this way.”
This was the proper goodbye I had never been able to have with him. And experiencing it was twice as bad as not having it. Because I knew this was finality. There was no doubt, no what ifs to ponder about—this was it.
