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“Well, I don't doubt that that's true, and I am very certain that your ex is a horrible individual, I also know that Nathan didn't want the marriage that I was arranging for him before you came into the picture, Stacia.” My mother's words tell me she's pieced it all together and is on to me.
“And I'm sorry for not just telling you outright,” I say, watching Stacia as I speak, “but I can assure you that my feelings for Stacia are not at all fake anymore.” Maybe they never were, but now doesn't seem like the time or place to admit that. I see Stacia's eyes widen and her lips part slightly, as if she's surprised by my admission. Then she closes off and I sense that she’s certain that I'm not being honest.
Her gaze drops away from mine to study the crumpled bedspread, and her cheeks go red, as if she’s thinking about what we did last night.
“Well, no matter what, you have our support. Just tell us how we can help.” It’s the first time my brother spoken and my mom is quick to echo his sentiment.
“Thank you both,” I say, meaning the words from the very bottom of my heart.
And in that moment, I know exactly what I need to do to fix the Logan issue once and for all… and I'm ready.
Chapter Twenty
Stacia
“I’m so happy.” Nathan’s mother clutches my hands, her eyes bright as she peers into my face. “And you look so beautiful, dear.”
I’m standing here in an ivory wedding dress that would have left the child version of me feeling like a Princess. Instead, it leaves the adult me feeling like a complete and utter fraud.
No matter what Nathan's mother says or what I think, this isn't right. Lying to his family, his friends, all the people we know, it's all wrong. I still understand his wanting to be saved from a loveless marriage, but this seems like a step in the wrong direction.
And of course, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that some small part of me wishes this was true; that our marriage was real. With everything that's happened between Nathan and I, everything I've learned about him, the man he is, the way he treats me, it all makes me realize more and more that maybe I was stupid to tell him no when he asked me for this to be more than just a fake arrangement. But surely it's too late to tell him that now.
I offer his mom a slight smile, and I can see the look of concern in her eyes.
I can’t say a word and my stomach twists up so hard it’s agonizing. When I look in the mirror at my reflection, I look like a different person. Heck, I feel like a different person. The old me would never have done this. Not for money, not to save someone, not at all. Sure, this will help me pay off bills and might even help me get back into college and start repairing the credit Logan single handedly destroyed.
But what does that mean? I’m trading my soul to maybe have some future hope of maybe renting or buying a nicer place, but is it worth tricking Nathan’s kind, loving, and accepting family who’ve done nothing but make me feel welcome in their homes and hearts?
I’m a bad person - there’s no denying that.
She seems to feel my fear and hesitation and takes a slight breath. “It's normal to have cold feet. This is a very big, life changing decision.” She steps forward and fixes a stray curl that’s escaped the pin in my hair. Her gaze traces my face, then meets my eyes as she continues speaking. “Just remember why you fell in love with him, how he makes you feel, and that you said yes with your heart. Don’t let your brain talk you out of this.”
Her sweet words are excellent advice. It's just too bad she's completely wrong about all of it. Not marrying him because my heart said yes. I'm not scared because my brain is telling me this is a bad idea. I just feel awful because it's all a lie, because I'm tricking everyone.
But it's not like I can tell her that. So I offer a smile, take a deep breath, and try to remind myself that I can get through this. I survived Logan. I can survive anything. Besides, this is the next step in me surviving with my ex put me through. It's a chance to rebuild my life, to get everything in order to start looking forward to a potential future, something I've been afraid to do since I came here. Something I've been unable to do living in that tiny little motel bymyself. Something that I've dreamed about but haven't actually been able to make plans toward.
With the money that Nathan has promised me for this extra work I'm doing for him, I'll be able to change my life for the better. And that's just going to have to make me feel good enough about everything else.
I hear the music start to swell, and Nathan's mother looks at me with pride in her eyes. “It’s time, dear.”
As soon as she says the words, Nathan's dad steps into the room and offers me his arm.
“It's such a shame your family can't be here to see how beautiful and happy you are.” Nathan's mother says, taking one last chance to adjust my veil.
I take a step out of the little pagoda and glance toward where Nathan stands with his back to me. I'd asked him if we could have the wedding here at the cabin near the waterfall. This place makes me happier than any home ever has, and after staying here for two weeks with him, it feels more like a home than any place I've ever lived before.
He'd happily agreed. And now, as I walk up the little aisle toward him with his family staring at me from both sides of the aisle because we'd balanced them to make up for the fact that my family wouldn't be here, I can't take my eyes off of him.
My heart begins to break in my chest, starting with just a crack that leads into multiple fissures going every direction like a cracked windshield spider webbing outward to swallow every inch of undamaged glass.
I remind myself to breathe and inhale slightly, relieving my burning lungs as his father gently urges me forward with steps faster than I'm willing to take. All too soon, I'm ready to step up on the little stage with him, and Nathan turns to me with a smile that takes my breath away.
He takes both my hands and his, and I feel my heart breaking even more.You look beautiful,he mouths.
I can't help the slight smile that tugs the corners of my lips as the man beside him begins to speak. As a little girl, I didn't dream about my wedding, didn't really think about it much, But as I think about it now, I realize this is exactly what I want, what I need. This kind of quiet wedding with just family, beautiful surroundings, and the cascade of falling water nearby... the moment is perfect.
Except it’s all fake.
