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This should be the happiest day of my life. Getting married is the happiest day of any woman's life. It's every little girl's dream. But instead of this being the happiest moment of my life, it feels like I'm trapped in a nightmare and I can't find my way out. I'm marrying the man that I love, but he's not really mine.
It feels like a lifetime ago and he asked me to try this for real, and now I know that too much time has passed. He hasn't asked again and I'm sure he's not interested anymore. I don't want to embarrass myself by asking, so instead, I'm just going to let this eat me alive from the inside out. What other choice do I have?
Everything continues like I'm stuck in a dream. The beautiful ring Nathan slides on my fingers is dazzling; more brilliant than even the sun.
The curve of the corners of his mouth when he saysI do.
The way his eyes crinkle at the corners as he watches me.
The soft sound of my own breath in my lungs and the crash of water.
The intensity in his stare.
His warm fingers taking all the chill out of my skin as he holds me tight.
And then the moment comes.
My heart slams in my chest as Nathan reaches out with one hand, cups my cheek and leans in. His lips barely brushed mine, but the kiss is enough to leave me feeling faint, like I'm going to collapse into an ivory puddle at his feet here in front of everyone he cares about.
As soon as the moment comes, it's gone and he pulls me into a hug, a bright smile on his face.
They hear people around us cheering. I feel their excitement, but inside I'm just cold, and frightened, and upset. What do we do now? How do we move on from this moment?
As we stepped down off the stage, I see the hired help changing everything around getting the space set up for the reception area, and I wince, trying to decide if I can handle more time with his lovely family.
I'd begged him to keep things simple. I didn't want him to spend a lot of money on what would ultimately be a fake marriage. But it's more than just that. I prefer simple. I like the quiet. I like the comfort and the intimacy of this little service. Given the look in his eyes, I think he agrees.
He lowers his head to whisper softly in my ear, and I force a smile to my lips for anyone watching. “You look absolutely terrified. Is everything OK?”
“Everything's wonderful.” I know I swore to him that I wouldn't lie, but it's not technically a lie. Everything is wonderful except the feelings deep within me that I never want to share with anyone.
Nathan gives me a concerned once over before kissing the corner of my mouth. “I'm really glad to be here with you like this. I'm sorry the circumstances aren't a little easier, but you're doing a really good job.”
The words jab at me like an ice pick to the heart and I realize I was right. That would have been the perfect opportunity for him to ask me again for things to be real. Instead, he reminded me that it's fake and that my acting is fooling everyone. My heart squeezes in my chest like he'd reached in with a fist and gripped it tight.
All I have to do is remind myself that I just have to get through tonight. When we're together, when we're alone, it's so much easier to let our guard down and just be ourselves. But now the weight of having to pretend is a whole big production that rests on my lungs like an elephant.
As he leads me around and my new family members embrace me, I try to focus instead on the money that I'll be making on my future, on how eventually, one day, this will be real. That thought backfires as I find myself wondering if I'll ever love another man as much as I love Nathan.
Still, I smile and hug and make small talk with strangers, trying not to feel like an outsider, trying to remind myself that I can do this, and that the ends will justify the means. That the outcome will all be well worth the pain and discomfort that I'm feeling right this second.
Feeling like I'm in a dream, dazed, I just allow Nathan to lead me around.
We cut the cake and when he pops a bite into it with my mouth, I see the dark hunger in his eyes before he reaches up and wipes a bit of white frosting from the corner of my lips. His gaze ticks to mine, and my heart begins to pound as something primal rises up in me. I want him. Clearly he wants me. But desire isn’t enough. Love isn’t enough. I have to honor the deal I made, and that means remembering this is all a sham.
Maybe if I remind myself enough, the whole situation will stop hurting so much.
When the night finally dies down and the last of our guests leave, we find ourselves alone.
Nathan turns to me with a smile on his face. Without warning, he strips off his suit and lays it over one of the chairs left behind. He’d mentioned having a clean-up crew come through, but not tonight. He strips down to his boxers before turning and moving toward the pool at the base of the waterfall.
I watch, unable to believe that he is about to do what I think he's going to.
He wades into the water backward, still facing me with that mischievous grin on his face. I shake my head, certain he's crazy. But he gestures at me, waving me to follow.
“Come on in,” he says. “It's not cold.”
A glance at the front of his boxers and arch an eyebrow.
