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“Most of you don’t know me, but I bet a lot of you know that guy over there,” he said, pointing to Nathan. “It’s all about him today. Them, I should say. Nathan and Charlaine are perfect for each other. Fated to be together. When I moved here from California, Nathan and I clicked right away. I’ll admit that I got a little jealous when Charlaine entered the picture. At first, I thought it was because she was stealing my friend for chick-flick marathons and furniture shopping, but I was kidding myself. I was jealous of what Nathan had, something I’d never had in any real capacity for myself: love.”
A couple of ‘aws’ arose from the mostly silent crowd.
“Then Ifound it. Suddenly, my friend wasn’t so supportive. I’ll cut him some slack. It was a tricky situation. Most would call it unconventional, but you must understand, it felt like my life depended upon having this woman.”
He’d had one drink and he was baring his soul to strangers, not as a result of the liquor but of the hairline fracture running through his body. Everything ready to shatter without a moment’s notice.
Nathan pressed a fist to his mouth and Charlaine shook her head as she spoke into his ear.
“She bailed on me, by the way, and you’ll be pleased to know I had some class. I turned in her grade before I fucked her. Guess I got what I deserved.”
Dayton dropped the mic on the linoleum. A cacophony of gasps and shrieks erupted while some looked on in wide-eyed horror.
It wasn’t until he locked eyes with Nathan that he registered the immensity of what he had done.
His gaze fell to his dress shoes as he headed for the tent’s opening but no sooner than he’d felt the caress of the evening breeze someone latched onto his shoulder, jerking him backward. He spun around and stood toe to toe with Nathan, whose face was dangerously close to his own. He smelled of whiskey and Charlaine’s perfume and Dayton hated that his olfactory impressions of Kenna were being overridden by these inconsequential scents.
“Have you lost your mind?”
“All mental health professionals benefit from a smidge of insanity, Nathaniel.”
“Nah, you don’t have a smidge of it. You embody it. You fucked the girl you were supposed to be mentoring and you admitted it to a quarter of the psych department. Or did you forget some of our colleagues were here today? Congratulations, you single-handedly ruined my wedding. Mywedding.” He went quiet, shuffling one foot where the faux flooring met the grass. “I never expected anything like this from you, man.”
Dayton knew an apology was warranted but the wound was fresh and pulsating. Smearing anything on it while it was open would only agitate it further.
Instead, he said softly, “I loved her.”
His quiet confession was lost to the music and cheer pouring out of the mouth of the tent.
Taking a step inside, Nathan stopped short and glanced over his shoulder. “I’m glad Kenna got the hell away from you. She deserves better.”
He stood staring after his friend until he disappeared among the crowd and then he stalked off through the parking lot. Dayton fumbled with the keys in his pocket, metal on metal scoring his walk to the station wagon as the noise of the reception receded.
There hadn’t been anything out of sorts with the box but he knew Kenna had seen it. It was the only explanation for her abrupt escape and dodged calls. He had not hidden it on either occasion she’d been in his home. He’d asked her to look into the mirror. Perhaps the direction had come from his subconscious, begging her to uncover what he was capable of.
Then again, she already knew. The discovery had merely served as confirmation. He despised himself for being so careless. The landscape of their premature love blighted by a simple mistake.
He sat in his car with the engine cut, looking out the smudged windshield. The sinking sun wove threads of gold through the needled pines and he admired its beauty. A blinding halo ringing creation. But Dayton knew that anything beautiful was finite.
Sunsets plunged into darkness. The women he shuffled through like playing cards lest he get too attached and make a mess of things as he had done with Audrey.
As he had with Kenna.
His head fell against the headrest. How was he to remain at the university throughout the course of her graduate program without going mad?
Sitting in his office and picturing her scribbling in one of her notebooks in the vacant chair across the room. Walking from the faculty lot to Markham Hall every morning and passing the library where she worked. Seeing her blue bike from his third-story window. He imagined what it might be like.
To constantly be surrounded by reminders of a life he couldn’t live with a woman he couldn’t have.
The thought was unbearable. The reality would’ve killed him, and he was struck with the painful realization that he had no choice but to surrender his post at Ponderosa.
He had to get away from the university because, despite the sudden uncertainty of his future, he knew Kenna had no part in it. He’d resign so she could live beyond the shadow of what he had done.
The vow to leave her behind weighed heavy on his heart, a deep ache that spread and compressed every part of him as he twisted the key in the ignition.
Dayton would’ve carried that ache for eternity if it allowed her to breathe easy.
To forget.
