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“I’m not talking about sex, Finn,” she said. “I’d like to do things for you the way you do things for me. I’d like to…you know, take care of you. Be there for you.”
“You don’t need to be there for me. I’m fine.” Gently he pulled his wrist out of her grip. “And I’m not the one who’s pregnant, you know.”
She could sense his withdrawal, could see the glint in his eyes vanish, the door to the furnace closing. He was uncomfortable and distancing himself.
“So it’s okay for you to take care of me, but it’s not okay for me to take care of you?”
The lines of his gorgeous face hardened slightly. “I don’t need taking care of, Beth. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you thinking of me like that, but it’s not necessary, okay? Now.” He shifted and stood up. “I’d better go check on the rest of the group.”
Beth watched him stride away, an ache in her heart.
He said he didn’t need taking care of.
But he was wrong.
***
Finn took them all for a brief canter on the way back to the farmhouse, and everyone, predictably, loved it far more than the trotting. There were lots of smiles and laughter as he led them back to the stables, where Levi had returned to dole out apples and carrots for everyone to give to their mounts as a thank-you.
He’d thought the brisk ride back would rid Finn of the tension that had settled between his shoulder blades after the conversation he’d had with Beth at lunch, but it hadn’t. And he wasn’t sure exactly why it had made him so tense.
He didn’t want her to look after him. He didn’t need it. That washisjob, not hers, and it wasn’t something he was going to ask of her.
“You look happy,” Levi commented, leaning on the stall gate as Finn got Jeff settled. Toby and one of his sons would be coming soon to deal with the other horses, but Finn liked dealing with Jeff himself. “Happy as in you don’t look happy at all, but really pissed off about something,” Levi went on. “What’s up? Trek not so good? Someone do something dumb?”
“No,” Finn said, not wanting to talk about it. “Trek was good. People had fun. And I’m not pissed off.”
“Yeah, and I’m the Queen of England. Bow before Her Majesty, please.”
“Levi…”
His friend’s hazel eyes flicked over him in that disturbingly perceptive way Levi sometimes had. People always thought he was fun and charming, easygoing and relaxed, until they hit the steel that lurked beneath his exterior. He was ex-SAS, like Chase, and there was a certain…similarity between them, such as the sharp focus Levi turned on him now.
“This is about Sheri, isn’t it?” All the good humor had vanished from Levi’s voice.
Finn set his jaw. “I’m not talking about—”
“Sheri and Beth,” Levi went on, as if he hadn’t heard. “This dad stuff is getting to you, I think.”
Finn picked up some straw and began to rub down Jeff’s sides with it, annoyed now. Because Levi was standing at the gate, blocking his exit, and leaving would be a drama. Shit, doing anything but standing there rubbing down the horse would end up being a drama.
“It’s not.” He tried to keep his voice very level. “I’m fine with it. And you’re wrong. It’s got nothing to do with Beth.”
“If it’s got nothing to do with Beth, then why is she currently staring at you like a kicked puppy?”
Finn cursed under his breath, a sudden pain gripping him. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, he really hadn’t. He’d just…
Wanted to put some distance between you and her? Keep her at arm’s length? How is that fair to her?
He remembered the expression in her eyes as he’d told her that he was okay, that he didn’t need looking after, and how for a moment she’d appeared stricken. As if looking after him was something she’d wanted to do.
Which would have been great if that had been something he’d wanted too, but he didn’t.
Bullshit. You want it. You’re desperate for it.
No, he damn well wasn’t. He was happy giving to people; he didn’t want to take. Taking involved opening himself up, sharing himself with someone, and he didn’t want to do that either. Not again.
Hell, even if he actually wanted to, he suspected he couldn’t. Sheri had been the only person he’d ever given himself over to wholly. He’d fallen in love with her with all of his soul, and he suspected she’d taken a good portion of that soul with her when she died.
