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ONE
With my eyes closed, I inhaled deeply, pulling Tessa closer. The scent of her shampoo filled my lungs, grounding me. I shifted, the sun warming my back through the open curtain, the smell of pancakes wafting up the stairs to our room.
Pancakes?
My stomach growled, and I wondered how Tessa could be making pancakes while lying in my arms, but I didn’t question it. Didn’t want to. We deserved this moment. A lazy Sunday in bed, laughing around the breakfast table in our pajamas. No soccer practice. No errands to run. Nowhere to be, but together.
Someone jumped on the bed, and the panting alerted me that Rex had decided to join us. I laughed and shook my head, but then he was licking my face and reality was forcing its way in. I wasn’t holding Tessa; I was clutching her pillow. And that wasn’t an alarm. It was the smoke detector, and it was angry.
Fuck.
I jolted upright and bounded down the stairs in my boxers, grabbing the fire extinguisher on the way. All the while, my heart was pounding, wondering what scene I was going to discover when I made it to the kitchen.
My only thought was of getting to the kids. But when I skidded into the doorway of the kitchen, I was met with a pan blackened with batter and two sheepish grins.
“Hey, Daddy.” Savannah blinked up at me a few times, flour smeared across her forehead and dusting her princess nightgown.
I placed a hand to my chest. Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay— “What thehellwere you guys thinking?” I roared as the smoke detector continued its annoying cadence.
Savannah hung her head, but Maddox stiffened. He clenched his little fists, anger coursing through his body.
I set down the fire extinguisher with a sigh. “Why didn’t you wait for me?” When they said nothing, I added, “You know you’re not supposed to turn on the stove without an adult. Right?”
“Yes, Daddy,” they said in unison, wearing matching downcast expressions. They were three years apart, but they looked like mirror images of each other. Carbon copies of their mother. Curly blond hair like Tessa’s. Curious bright-blue eyes.
I padded farther into the kitchen, grabbing a baking sheet as I surveyed the damage. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Dad!” Savannah chided as I dragged a stool over to the smoke detector. “You’re not supposed to say that word. Or…” She scrunched up her nose. “The other one.”
The other one?
Who knew what I’d said at that point. It didn’t really matter.
“Right.” I shook my head, rubbing the back of my neck. I was fucking this all up. I was fucking everything up.
Unable to say anything, I climbed on the stool and started fanning the smoke detector. I needed to do something.
Without being asked, Savannah and Maddox joined me in the cleanup, wiping batter from the counters and floor. How had they made such a huge mess? It looked more like the scene of a crime than pancakes on a Sunday morning.
“It was my idea,” Savannah finally said, handing me a bowl. Her eyes were brimming with tears.
“What was your idea?” I asked, forcing myself to adopt a gentle tone as guilt gnawed at me. Why did I always have to lose it?
“The pancakes. We just wanted to do something special for you for your birthday, like Mommy always does.D-did.” She lowered her voice to a whisper and said, “She always made you a special breakfast.”
My heart sank. My birthday? I glanced at the wall calendar with a photo from last year, my heart clutching painfully at the smile on Tessa’s face as she cradled Maddox to her chest. I confirmed it was indeed January twelfth and then squeezed my eyes shut briefly.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.” Savannah choked out the words, the tears already falling.
I felt her pain as if it were my own. It didn’t matter that it had been nearly nine months since Tessa’s death. Sometimes it felt more like nine minutes. And it was days like today—milestones I didn’t want to face without Tessa—that made the passage of time more poignant. A wet, hot tear rolled down my cheek. But I quickly pulled Savannah and Maddox to me for a crushing hug to hide my sorrow.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t…
My chest was so tight, and it was only when they were safe in my arms that I felt like I had oxygen in my lungs. The only reason I was alive and breathing was because of them. The only reason I was able to get out of bed every morning was becausetheyneeded me—Maddox and Savannah needed me because I was the only parent they had. I had to be both mom and dad now that Tessa was gone.
“You know what I’d love for my birthday?” I asked, reluctant to let them go.
Ever since Tessa died, Maddox rarely let me hold him, show him affection. It hurt, but I tried not to let him see that. I tried to be there for him in whatever way he needed, even if I wanted to hug him tightly and never let him go. He was too young to have lost his mom; they both were. Too young to have to bear so much pain and loss.
