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I cry. I stare.
I nod or shake my head when people talk to me.
Nothing more.
My parents force me to eat, my friends hold my hand and cry, and Asher.
Oh Asher.
The pain radiates off him, I see it written all over him. But he stands back, saying nothing.
Nothing feels real. I want to fucking scream. I want to kick and punch until the pain goes away.
I want to die too.
My parents stay at my apartment and go back and forth between here and the hospital.
I still don’t move.
It’s as if I’m a shell of myself. Hollow. So fucking hollow.
They don’t get on to me for it, as they make arrangements at places back home, my dad handling most of it while my mother cries next to me. We cry together and I wonder how she’s doing it. How does she get up and eat? How does she get dressed? And my father. How is he so strong?
I can’t do any of it.
All I want to do is sleep.
“I’m so tired, Mom.”
She runs a hand down the side of my face, wiping some tears away as her own spill down her cheeks. “I know, baby. Go to sleep. We’ll be here.”
I climb into bed and pull the covers over my head. I close my eyes and hope when I wake up, it’ll all be a bad dream.
Mason will be here. Standing above my bed and laughing.
“Mads! Let’s get some ice cream!” He’ll say and I’ll follow him out the door, giggling at his stupid jokes.
I’ll feel whole again. Like a part of me hasn’t been shattered to pieces.
And this nightmare will be over.
* * *
When I open my eyes, the grief hits me all over again. It’s like getting the news for the first time. The pain is sharp, intense, and I feel like I can’t breathe.
I sit up in bed, and look around in a daze. The clock reads quarter past six in the morning, and my parents are asleep. My mom’s curled up on her side next to me in bed and my dad is on the couch.
I look at the clock again and the time registers.
My runs with Mason.
I gasp out loud, the pain enough to knock me sideways. I choke on a sob and cover my mouth as I run to the bathroom and turn the water on full blast.
The sound of the shower drowns out my cries as I sit on the floor and sob while rocking back and forth.
How do I do this?
How do I manage this pain?
