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How do I keep on going?
It seems impossible.
The weight of my grief is so heavy, it literally takes my breath away.
Why?
Why him?
I think about our last day together and I’m thankful I was with him.
But what kind of frame of mind was he in? Why was he out driving so late?
Why didn’t he just go home?
Was it the argument we had? Or all the fights with Sienna he told me about?
I cry until there’s nothing left. And then I pick myself up off the ground and wash my face, tying my hair up into a loose knot. Maybe a run will help. Anything to escape this pain I feel.
Less than ten minutes later, I’m at the football field and stretching my legs on the bleachers. The sun is rising in my eyes making it hard to see and they burn from all the crying I’ve done.
From the corner of my eye, I see someone walking. When I turn to look, a guy is moving closer in my direction. He has on a hoodie with the college’s colors and logo.
Mason.
He always wore that hoodie on our runs.
He’s here!
It was all a bad dream! I knew it!
A huge smile stretches across my face, and it feels foreign, the first smile since my life stopped. Or since I thought it stopped.
He’s even closer now and I smile bigger, a huge sense of relief rushing through me.I knew it, I just knew he couldn’t die on me!
“I figured you’d be here. It’s good to see you smiling.”
The voice crashes over me and I shake my head. That can’t be right. That doesn’t sound like Mason. That sounds like…like…
Asher.
No.
No, no, no.
My knees give out and I fall to the ground. I scream and pound the dirt with my fists and kick it with my feet. My cries grow hysterical and I can’t breathe.
No, no, noooooo! It’s not supposed to be real.
It can’t be. It fucking can’t be.
NOOOO!
“My hoodie. I’m so sorry, Mads.” Asher’s voice breaks as he falls to his knees beside me. He rips off the hoodie and lets out a moan. “I’m so sorry.”
And then his arms are around me and he holds me tight as we cry together.
* * *
