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I don’t eat. I don’t shower.
I don’t even run.
For the first full week I’m back on campus, I don’t leave my apartment.
All I do is watch videos of Mason, look at pictures of Mason, cry, and sleep.
Friends call.
My parents call.
I send a quick text back saying I’m okay and nothing else.
Until one day there’s a knock on my door. I decide to ignore it. Whoever it is wouldn’t want to come in anyways. It’s not a pretty sight.
“Mads open up, I know you’re in there.”
Asher.I can’t let him see me like this.
“Go away.”
“But I have ice cream.”
My heart cracks. “I don’t want any. Leave me alone.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Whatever. Suit yourself.” I pull my blanket over my head and close my eyes. I’m just so tired.
“If you need me I’m right here.” Asher says.
I ignore him and pray so hard for sleep. It’s the only relief yet it’s so hard to actually get there. My body wants it, but my mind fights back.
It seems like it takes forever before it finally takes me under.
“It’s alright, Mads. Keep going.”
I hear his voice but I can’t see him. Where is he? Grass whips at my face as I run through the field.
“I can’t. I’m too tired, Mason. Please.” My legs feel heavy and my movements slow. I try to speed up but it feels like I’m trudging through mud.
“You got this. I believe in you.”
“No. No I don’t. It’s too hard.” I stumble now, the ground suddenly uneven.
“I’m right here with you.”
“No you’re not!” I scream. “Come back! Please come back!” My knees give out and I fall.
“Come back! Mason! Come back!”
I curl up into a fetal position on my side and cry.
When I open my eyes, my cheeks are wet. A fresh wave of pain washes over me and I cry out.
When will this debilitating pain stop? I can’t take it anymore.
There’s a knock on my door. “Madison. Are you okay in there? I heard screaming.”
