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Together.
* * *
I blink my eyes open the lids, feeling heavy and swollen. I look around the room and realize it’s still dark out and I’m still in Asher’s motel room. The memory of earlier floods my mind. Asher and I just cried and cried for hours. We let out everything off our chest- all of our guilt, all of our anger, all of our sadness.
We cried until we ran out of tears, and then we passed out in each other's arms. I made sure to send my mom and dad a text so they wouldn’t worry.
I sit up and stretch my arms above my head. I look over to Asher who’s still sound asleep and snoring lightly. I’m not sure how I feel about it all. Am I still mad at him? I don’t know.
Right now, I just feel numb.
I sigh and bring my knees up to my chest, resting my head on my lap.
How will I ever get past this guilt?
A whole new layer of guilt has been added to my grief. And the same with Asher too. He feels so responsible for Mason’s death. He feels like he could’ve saved him, and now he failed him.
But like Asher said, how could we have known? How could we have known that was Mason down at the bottom of the hill? How could we have known any of this was gonna happen?
Plain and simple. We don’t. We simply don’t know.
But what I do know is that I wish I never asked Mason about me and Asher. I knew how he felt and I should’ve just kept on thinking he felt the same way because he did. And now my stupid pointless argument with him cost in his life.
“Hey.” Asher whispers. He touches the small of my back and I turn to look at him. “Hey.” I say.
He opens his arms to me and I cuddle up beside me, resting my head in the crook of his shoulder.
We don’t say anything for a while, the only sound in the room from our breathing.
“I hate the decision I made. I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Stop, don’t say that about yourself.”
“It’s true, Mads. Why didn’t I just say `good idea- let’s check?’”
“There was a lot going on.”
“There’s no excuse. And I’ll now forever regret my decision.”
There’s more silence but then I hear a sniffle. And another, and then a sob.
When I look over Asher’s crying, a hand covering his face.
I reach over and pull his hand away.
“You don’t have to hide from me.” The pain on his face sends a dagger through my heart and my own tears start to fall.
“It’s okay to break down, Ash.”
He shakes his head and stands up. He walks back and forth and when he stops in front of me, he says nothing.
I step closer and circle my arms around his waist. I want to hug him, console him, and make him feel better.
Asher freezes for a second and then he looks at me and pushes me up against the wall.
He hooks a finger under my chin and lifts my face up before bringing his lips down to mine.
He kisses me, our salty tears mixing together. He lifts my shirt and whispers in my ear, “I want you to take off your pants.”
