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‘I want to see her.’ I stood up to leave. It didn’t seem fair for her to be there all alone, even though I knew all that was left of her was an empty shell that used to shelter a beautiful soul.
‘You’re not bringing her back if you get yourself killed. Believe me, I know best,’ Ferris spoke with the pain I knew so well coating his words. ‘Just don’t move. I’m going to get you a drink.’
Without wasting any time, he rushed to the bar and poured me an extra-large glass of whiskey. He probably considered that it would last me through the night, though without giving it a single thought, I drained it in a sip. ‘Refill it, please.’
‘You know I’m not going to do that. It’s not a drinking marathon.’ He took the glass away, probably regretting that he even thought a drink could possibly be a solution. I knew he was only trying to help me relax, but I was in self-destruction mode, heading straight to the edge of my cliff again.
I immediately turned my back on him, sinking into the darkness that was moments away from engulfing me completely. ‘This is my fault,’ I barely forced myself to murmur. ‘There’s blood on my hands. Blood on my hands and an excruciating pain that’s tearing through my soul.’
‘Why would it be blood on your hands?’
‘Because I wanted this. All of this madness. I stopped at nothing to achieve it, including selling my body and my spirit. I caused her death. I can feel it.’
‘You can’t know for sure that it had something to do with you.’ Ferris tried to diminish the ravaging effects Jenna’s death was having on me, though I knew he didn’t believe his own words either.
‘I know for sure. She was wearing my clothes. That’s what got her killed.’ The certainty in my voice warned him that I couldn’t deal with any attempt of him lying to me. I might have still been in post-shock, but I recognized facts from hallucinations.
The only thing I didn’t know was the reason behind it.
My list of suspects was far greater than I could really think of since anyone in the city could have been responsible.
What we were trying to do usually pissed off the wrong kind of men. Even Brax’s influence and power of information proved to be insufficient in front of the hidden threat that weighed above us.
This assassination attempt had something to do with the texts I received that night. Still, none of us even had a clue of who the author was.
All I knew was that only the mere thought of ever finding the one responsible was making dark thoughts spring through my mind.
‘What does it feel like to take a life?’ The words just blurted out from my mouth as a result of every second of that day, culminating in a type of anger I had never felt before. For the first time, I was considering killing another human being and taking the place of the criminal. I wanted whoever ended Jenna’s life to pay. The person responsible for her death didn’t deserve to live.
‘I’m fucked up in every sense of the word. I don’t think I’m the right person to be asked this question.’ Ferris was trying to avoid the subject as well as he could, although no signs of regret were actually reflecting on the mimic of his face.
‘I want to see the person responsible for this pay.’ My blood was boiling, blinded by the thought of revenge. I needed to know justice was achieved since that same morning, I witnessed the greatest injustice I could think of. An innocent life was ended for no reason whatsoever.
‘I’m not going to let you have that on your hands.’ Ferris’s sober voice echoed with something so dark that it brought me straight back from the place of utter desperation I was getting myself lost in. ‘But I do promise that when we find the one responsible, I will give you the revenge needed.’ I could feel that there was no shadow of a doubt he would do it. He would give me my revenge even if it would cost him the last part of his soul. And I didn’t want that. He couldn’t be doomed because of me.
‘No, you can’t do that. This didn’t happen because of you. It happened because I set things off balance.’
All I wanted was to save him, not to push him further over the edge, yet somehow I knew it wasn’t up to me anymore. He had made up his mind, and there would be nothing stopping him.
‘Things were already off-balance; we’re just setting a new course. You’re not the problem, Bea, but you might be the solution.’ Ferris was trying to comfort me, maybe even comfort himself, because no matter how much good our plan might bring to the city, we couldn’t ignore the victims along the way.
‘And what if we’re not the solution?’ I was doubting even the air I was breathing in those moments, although it seemed I wasn’t taking all parts under consideration.
‘You are my solution for everything. That has to count for something,’ Ferris whispered in my ear while making room on the couch beside me and lifting me to place my head on top of his chest.
His emotions made a jolt of pain run across my heart.
A perfectly beautiful pain forged in the fire of pure feelings.
We needed each other so much that it hurt. Every crippled piece of our souls was completing a circle. I was his salvation, and he, the keeper of my essence.
I tried to close my eyes and sleep.
Useless.
The vicious guilt didn’t stop tormenting me even for a second while all sorts of questions roamed through my mind. ‘She did nothing wrong. Why did this happen?’ My trembling voice could not be controlled, bringing to the surface all my regrets and uncertainties.
‘It’s life, Bea.’ I slowly felt his arm slip from over my back to rest upon the scars on his chest. ‘Do you think my parents deserved to die?’
