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I was in desperate need of a reboot, anything that could help me chase my memories away so I could still have the slightest shot at a new beginning. Highly improbable, and the smashed furniture that lay strewn across my room was the ultimate evidence that I’d been defeated. I hated everything around me, including myself, as I was beginning to choke even with the very air that I breathed.
I hoped I would find even a small release as I smashed pieces of furniture to the ground, but they only seemed to fuel my temper to the point there wasn’t much identifiable left of the room. Only then did a surreal calmness engulf me, like it was taking me to a realm between life and death where everything would be numbed and I was to find my end.
Between the tsunami waves of madness, Bea somehow managed to sneak herself into my room, looking for her phone.
‘Take it. I’ve finished,’ I spoke as I glimpsed that she had found it on the couch. I didn’t want her to see me like that, so I remained in the corner of the room where light could no longer reach me.
‘Did you install everything?’ She felt that something was wrong and from what I could tell, she was stalling to find out exactly what.
‘Yes. All should be good now,’ I spoke in the coldest tone I owned, letting her know that it was time to leave.
But this was Bea I was talking about, and she couldn’t just abandon me there. The empathetic feature that defines her so well had to save me, ‘You have your own meeting with the governor in the morning to talk about funding. Are you ok to do that?’
Okay? I hadn’t been okay for so long that I didn’t even know what the word meant anymore, ‘Do I not seem ok?’
My question was a trap that was drawing her exactly where she shouldn’t be — right in front of me.
‘No... You don’t. What’s going on?’ she said with a bravery that was going to cost her.
‘Redecorating,’ I spoke with a fine irony letting her know once again that it was time to leave before it would be too late for her to do that.
However, she didn’t seem to get the message, insisting on some useless small talk, ‘Just don’t register for Architecture school any time soon.’
‘What is it that you really want, Bea?’ I took a drag out of the cigarette, hoping that it would calm me down somehow.
‘To help you.’ She stretched out her hand to show her support. But I didn’t need support. I needed to feel my heart pump,the blood in my veins boil, and the surge of adrenaline rushing throughout my body.
The time of her running back to the security of her apartment had gone. I didn’t want that in the first place and it was about time to show her how badly I needed her to stay.
Catching her wrist, I drove her body to join with my own, reaching straight for her intoxicating lips.
‘There is no helping me,’ I muttered between kisses, letting myself be driven by all primordial needs. I was so far out of control that my hands roamed her body with such intensity that I thought her flesh would break from the clenching of my palms.
Iwantedto know she was mine.
Ineededto know she was mine.
And she wasn’t falling behind, pushing her tongue inside my mouth with such desire that my cock was becoming impatient to have her.
I was breaking apart, and she should have seen it. Maybe she did but decided to ignore it for the sake of the feelings we had for one another. Still, I was much more driven by insanity than by the calling of my heart and with each move, I was getting further away from anything that could have meantus.
It was only me.
What I needed.
What I wanted.
Whatever the fuck would satisfy me and convince my subconscious that I was still alive.
I no longer knew what the fuck I was doing. All I knew was that I had to fulfill that primordial longing.
I found myself raising her against the wall, entrapping her between the bricks and my throbbing length. It was like I wasn’t moving fast enough to get her lips under my spell, speeding against them with the urge of a wild hurricane while I was letting go of a confession that was meant to break us both, ‘I need you. I need you like never before.’
She felt the distress in my voice, maybe she was even aware of the splinters of my insanity, since it seemed that nothing of what I might have said would have been enough for her to believe that I was acting like that just a result of an over-heated body. ‘Ferris, tell me what’s wrong, please.’ She probably foresaw what was to come.
‘Nothing is wrong now that you’re here,’ I was so lost that I even believed my own words. Nothing and everything was wrong.
Suddenly, my thoughts engulfed me. It was becoming so incredibly clear what I needed to do to be set free that the idea repulsed me at first. I yearned to create a moment of such intensity that it would become possible to still have a chance of feeling alive again. This thought was running in my mind for a while, although, it didn’t seem fair to use Bea as a part of my plan.
