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‘It’s over,’ she tried reassuring me when I knew that the reality was so different.
It would never be over.
I suddenly found myself inches away from her lips, consumed by a longing I considered dead long ago.My nightmares were drifting away to be replaced by the fuel that could bring me back to life. That childish butterfly sensation that you get in the pit of your stomach, a flicker I thought would never be revived inside me.
And from the lips that came crashing in on mine, I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.
Maybe she had fallen under my spell, but so had I, moving my mouth against hers with earth-shattering need, like I’d been waiting for that moment for an eternity.
I wanted her with a pain I never felt before. Like she was the one who would put my monsters to rest... or release them all. I had never been so lost until that moment, craving the impossible — a hope that she could be the one to bring back to me a glimpse of normality.
Maybe it was just the thrill of having a new addition to my list of wasted attempts to fix myself. Or maybe the hope of something better, but she of all people made me feel something. It wasn’t much, yet for me, it was everything.
My responses to her kisses grew with fierce lust, ravaging her plump lips as I brought my body to tower above her.
She was a whole different kind of game, breaking my ritual and kissing me not because of what I could have given her, but just because she wanted to. That was tormenting me. All the others saw wealth above anything else, while her... she saw me. And that made me want her with unstilled yearning.
Even if it was a repeat of all previous nights, it was so different in any other way. Yes, I wanted to sleep with her, but I also wanted just tosleepnext to her.
I was just releasing the buttons of her pajama one by one, following the will of our flaming bodies as a murmured whimper reached my ears. ‘Ferris, I can’t.’
I assumed I needed to take things slowly, but my hands didn’t manage to put my mind’s orders into action.
‘What’s wrong?’ I detached my lips from hers so I could search her emerald eyes for answers.
‘I can’t,’ her voice was so shaky that I didn’t know what to believe anymore.
‘Why not? Is this about money?’ The stupidest question I could ask, but then again, I did have past experiences to back me up.
‘No. Jesus... It’s...it’s about me. I never did this, ok?’
‘Sleep with a guy you just met?’ I tried to figure out what she was talking about.
‘Any of it.’ The look in her eyes hid annoyance like I was supposed to know what she was talking about. ‘I’d better go. It’s morning.’ She was planning to make a run for it, and if I had wished earlier that she would leave to save herself, now the thought seemed impossible to bare.
I was frightened.
‘I want you. Whatever this implies.’ I was trying to explain that I would give her anything she desires. I just didn’t have the right words.
‘Ferris, I can’t sleep with you.’
‘I don’t want you to return to the Pleasure Room. I’ll take care of you.’ All I wanted was for her to need me in return.
‘I can’t do that.’
‘You didn’t let me finish. I only want you to sleep in my bed, whenever I find it necessary.’ I probably forgot to mention that I would find it necessary really really often.
‘I can’t do that... You will want more, maybe in a day... Maybe in two. It’s inevitable. And I can’t give you that part of me.’
I was confused. She wanted me. I could feel it in each stumbled breath and swirl of our tongues. But it didn’t matter. I was like a drug addict about to lose his daily dose. ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll cover all your expenses, rent, college, you name it, including Sebastian’s treatments. And in return, we will share a bed at night.’
‘I just told you that I can’t-’
‘I am a man, and I know myself. I can’t guarantee hands-off, but I can guarantee that I won’t crossthatline. Not as long as you don’t want me to.’ I would have told her anything so she would accept, including the truth because I was ready to keep some desires under wraps just to have her next to me.
We shared something. A bond stronger than any human will, something too rare to dismiss.
Yet she was trying to deny it, ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t be here any longer.’
