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For what might have been an eternity or even just a few seconds, nothing happened. All was silent save for an odd little rustling through the leaves of the bushes close by that seemed to whisper a warning of what was to come.
Then, when she could bear the silence no longer, she opened her eyes again to see him staring at her still. He appeared frozen in time, though the way his eyes glittered suggested that he was silently trying to process what she had just told him.
"Then… then you are a relative of the king himself?" Lord Sutthers stated apprehensively, and Julia's heart dropped into her gut. It was immediately clear that he knew exactly who she was, that he was now well aware of just how wealthy and influential her family truly was, not something she liked to boast about, but something she felt he ought to know.
This is it,she thought, sick to her stomach with terror. In this moment, she knew anything could happen. Was Lord Sutthers to be a man who would wish to marry her simply for her connections and her family ties?
Would he realise her wealth and drop to one knee on the principle that an earl could do no better than a woman almost directly linked to the King of England himself? Or would he be frightened off by the power with which she held at her disposal? Or her father's disposal? After all, if she were to be made unhappy in marriage. Then what was to stop her from appealing to the king through her own father?
She had no way of knowing which way the earl might turn and even when he finally reacted; she was still none the wiser. His expression was quite unreadable as he took a step away, inhaling deeply as though he had forgotten entirely to breathe beforehand.
"Miss Julia, will you allow me to escort you back to the ballroom?" he asked, his voice giving nothing away. Confusion made Julia's head spin. His utter lack of reaction made her feel even more uneasy than if he had reacted immediately to her confession.
"I… no, thank you, my lord." Looking closely at him, she tried to read just how he was feeling on the subject, but she could see nothing. She blurted, “I wished to tell you sooner, but in my position I never thought I would find a courtship based solely around love, and when things started to go so well between the two of us, I was frightened of ruining it.”
Those final words coming from her lips were enough to tell her that was exactly what she was doing.
She was even more surprised when he took another step back and bowed deeply, practically dismissing himself from the situation entirely before she could even begin to figure out where he might stand on the matter. His expression was still entirely unreadable as he said, “Good evening, Miss Pritchard.”
His use of her formal name was like a knife stabbing through her heart and tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, though she was desperate not to allow them to fall in front of him.
In an instant, she felt him slipping away from her, not only physically, but emotionally as well. The hole that opened up deep inside her was like a yawning void that threatened to swallow her whole as he turned and disappeared from the conservatory, leaving her quite alone and utterly confused as to what had just happened.
Chapter 20
The next morning, after an almost entirely sleepless night, Gabriel sat at his desk in the library with quill in hand. He had tried over and over again to write an appropriate letter explaining to Miss Julia Pritchard why he could no longer continue seeing her, why he could not allow their courtship to continue even in light of everything that had already happened between them.
And yet, no matter how hard he tried, he could not find the correct words. He had already thrown several pieces of paper into the roaring fireplace behind him, sighing with deep exasperation every time as he watched the latest draft go up in flames.
For a while, he merely stared into the fire, wishing that he too could simply step into it and be washed clean of all the scandal and hardship that had befallen his life from the very moment he came to exist. Yet deep down he knew there was nothing that he could do save for protect Miss Pritchard.
Miss Pritchard,he sighed deeply, thinking on how quickly he had managed to separate the two in his mind, the Miss Julia that he knew and loved and the Miss Pritchard who had come forward as an almost total stranger the night before to let him know that he ought to question his entire life in London of late.How did I never see it?
Yet looking back, he thought he might have and simply chosen to ignore the fact in the hopes of feeling some semblance of happiness in an otherwise dark and dreary existence. Not for the first time that morning, he found himself considering another trip to the cemetery to seek solace beside his father's grave. Remembering the last time and how that had ended, he hesitated.
The loud knocking that erupted on the library door caused Gabriel to almost jump out of his chair and he hurried to hide the latest letter he had been writing, knowing that whether it was his mother or brother, it did not matter. They would both ask who he was writing to and what the letter contained. Whether he chose to share the information or not, they would still be suspicious of him. Rarely could he hide anything from either or them.
When his brother entered, looking even cheerier than usual, all Gabriel could feel was jealousy and a need to knock him down a peg or two. He barely managed to stop himself from doing so. No matter what was going on in his own life, he would not take it out on his brother.
"Well, brother, where did you get off to last night?" Jonathan asked, sidling up to the desk and slipping onto the edge of the surface so that he could look upon the workspace, being his usual nosey self. "Am I to assume that you found Miss Julia?"
At the mention of her name, the hard lump in his throat grew larger. Pain lanced through his heart, especially when he saw the excited and expectant look upon his brother's face that suggested he was thinking their conversation the night before had gone entirely differently.
How could he blame him? He had left the party to find Miss Julia as soon as he arrived and he had failed to return to the ballroom afterwards, coming straight home instead. How was his brother to know how or why that had occurred? For all his brother knew, Miss Julia might still be tucked up in his bed upstairs. That was if she had failed to return to the ballroom also, and from the look upon his brother's face, he guessed so.
“I retired home early, as I was feeling unwell,” Gabriel corrected, keeping his voice as level as possible. “There is nothing more to it than that.”
The moment that he had spoken, he knew he had made a mistake. He could see it in the way that his brother’s eyebrow rose in response, in the way that he started to scowl and brushed his hair back from his face as though he wished to look upon him again to be sure he hadn’t missed something.
“Are you quite certain?” Jonathan asked and Gabriel groaned inwardly, knowing the kind of trap he had just begun to walk into. Yet he knew there was no way around it, and to be honest, a part of him was kind of hoping that he might have someone to speak to on the matter.
“I am.”
He nodded and was silent for just a moment as he tried to think just how much he ought to tell his brother. After all, he was now betrothed to Miss Pritchard’s closest friend, and there was no telling whether he might allow his tongue to slip in her presence.
Would it be so bad if Miss Pritchard were to learn of his reasons for ending their courtship through the two of them? He decided that yes, it would indeed be terrible. In fact, the thought of hurting her reputation in such a manner made him feel angry with himself for even considering it.
Sucking in a deep breath, he said, “Brother, I wish to tell you something, but you must promise me against everything you hold dear that this conversation will go no further, that it shall not reach the ears of anyone else after we have spoken of it.”
