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A blush comes over my entire body at how I’m no longer feeling guilty over not feeding Zander but feeding Daddy. I’m pumping, it’s not as though I’m neglecting him. As long as Zander is healthy and happy, why can’t I be happy too? It feelssofucking good. I’m a bad mom for never wanting to breastfeed Zander, only Daddy. I don’t care. I’ll overcompensate in other ways like every parent does.
Once we’re home, I’m not proud of how fast I get the baby into his crib, grab the baby monitor and drag Daddy to our bed—tearing off my shirt as I do it. Feeding Daddy is addictive, it was frustrating to time it around the nurses expected visits. Laughing, he picks me up and puts me on the bed. He’s down beside me on the bed and his mouth on my breast within seconds.
It isn’t even as sexual as I thought it was when Daddy feeds. There’s a comfort to it, for both of us. The pleasure was from giving something of me—my body. In a way that isn’t all sexual.
Okay, it’s also pleasurable as fuck too. Every time he suckles it’s as if it’s connected to my cunt. The tiniest of tugs has me almost feral. Daddy was adamant no sex until the doctor gave the clear. Until I reminded him I had needs too. This morning he gave me an orgasm with his thumb on my clit. Best orgasm I’ve ever had when he wasn’t inside me.
Daddy empties one breast and goes to the other without me asking. I’m trying to undress him when he catches my hands. I want to cry when his mouth is off me. “Behave. No sex for at least six weeks. You touch me and my cock is a wreck. This is about your health.”
“No sex at all?”
Shaking his head, he kisses me until I’m writhing beneath him. “Nothing more than your clit is touched. You need to heal. We can get through this.”
I sigh, I can’t—don’t want to, argue with Daddy. “Yes, Daddy.”
“That’s my good little slut, always so eager to please me.”
The words send my eyes closed in pleasure. I haven’t been able to give them up. It’s been too long since I heard them. “I am your slut, Daddy, only yours. Please empty my tit, I need your mouth.”
“Your dirty wishes are my command.” He whispers against my nipple before he takes it back into his mouth.
“Then my dirty wish is you never let me go. My safe word is home.”
His arms tighten around me. “There are no safe words. This is our life.”
“Perfect.”
“Yes.” He suckles again.
My Daddy, so loving and patient. Beautifully broken he saw the same thing in me and together our broken parts are whole the way I never thought they could be.
EPILOGUE
Five years later
Aleksander
My baby is frantic, pushing me down as she pulls down her dress. I don’t even try soothing her, simply opening her bra and sucking. Her tears are falling on me. I hate this. I want to rock her and hold her but that’s a comfort to me—this is for her.
Her head goes down on mine as her arms go around my neck. I suckle until she’s empty. As I let her breast fall from my mouth I see the tears have stopped. I wipe her beautiful face, pressing a kiss to her forehead. She motions to her other breast.
Nodding, I suckle.
She sighs. “I thought it wouldn’t hurt this much. Not when it’s been so long. Especially with how far I believed I came from the first appointment. Eight years of therapy and still…”
Once it’s clear she cannot find more words, I stop and pull back to find her lost. Picking her up, I cradle her. She snuggles into me. “You have done all the work. Just because a broken bone heals doesn’t mean it doesn’t ache some days, especially when it’s cold. Beth will never go through what you did. She’s a smart, fierce little girl just like her mother. For all of three minutes you took your eyes off her. That eight year old little boy is obviously fucked up to think touching a three-year-old on her ass is okay. But he learned from the fat lip she gave him, and the broken arm Zander gave him, as well as his parents will learn very soon, it isn’t. We might not be there for every minute of her day, however with the way we’ve raised her, we don’t have to be.”
“I’m sorry I froze the way I did—”
“Hey, no. It was a shock to your system. George got there fast. Zander got there even faster. Which is probably a good thing. If George had been the one to break the boy’s arm instead of Zander things might have gotten worse than they were.”
Shaking her head, she chuckles and the sound soothes my soul. “You should have seen him, Daddy, he moved so fast it was all a blur. I’m proud but feel so guilty. This is exactly what you were trying to prevent by telling me not to go to the park. I should have listened to you. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. My pride isn’t worth more than the safety of our children.”
Catching her chin, I let my head fall to hers. “You shouldn’t have to apologize. I could have handled it better than flat denying you. I was busy with work and didn’t think. When I stop thinking, is when we have the problems, you too my dear. Feeling is our heart. To protect it we need to think before we speak and act. This is a stumble not a fall. Remember, my only thought for ever denying you or our children is for your safety—to protect you. My pride will never be more important than you or our family.”
“Zander has already learned that and he’s only five. Why can’t I?”
“Because it’s a beautiful day in Chicago and your Daddy has been working too many hours and neglecting you.” I’m no longer in the club, at all. I might check in once a week but it’s more like every other week. I still run the numbers and keep an eye on it from cameras at home but only four months after we brought Zander home she was pregnant again with Beth.
