AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Swallowing the vodka, I sigh. “I’m going to hell. There is no amount of money or good deeds that will undo all the shit I’ve done. I have no doubt of it. I had no fear of it either. I don’t deserve heaven. Then I got Phoenix. She is heaven. My own personal heaven on earth that I do not deserve. I want her to remain that; I don’t want our hell getting my heaven with her dirty.”
“Hmm…if you really don’t deserve heaven, then how did you get Phoenix?”
By the time I look up, he’s gone.
I make a call.
* * *
Phoenix
The doorbell ringing is so foreign it takes a moment to figure out what it is. It’s been more than two hours since he left again. I run for the door. It’s Boris. “Aleksander said you are to come home now. You don’t need to pack. The maids will be here in a few minutes, they will prepare everything. It will be delivered tonight.”
I follow him, my stomach twisting with nerves. He said I was to come home. Did he want me to or did he feel he had to? The long drive is hell, almost more so than the first drive into the city.
When I get home, Daddy is in his office. He looks up when I hesitate in the open door. He’s wearing his glasses. He only needs them when he’s working with the spreadsheets—he said the numbers swim if he looked at them too long without the glasses. Like every time he wears them, I picture him behind a desk as a stern principal who will punish me the naughty student. Daddy laughed when I told him. Once he even played stern principal. It was so hot to be spanked bent over his desk, then fucked after.
Taking off his glasses, he nods at one of the chairs in front of his desk. The knots twist tighter in my tummy. “Sit down, please. I don’t think this is something we can properly discuss with you in my lap.”
Oh god, tears sting, I can’t move. I try to breathe only the air won’t come. Suddenly I’m squeezed tight in Daddy’s arms. “Breathe, baby, it’s not that. I swear it would never be that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just trying not to think with the wrong head.”
I’m in his lap, we’re in the living room. He rocks me gently. “I’m sorry, baby. This whole day has been shit and I can’t seem to fix it.” A hand goes into my hair to pull me back to look at him. “I am sorry. I was angry at you for doubting me when it was my own damn fault.”
“Daddy, no. It was me. My fears and hang-ups aren’t yours and—”
“And bullshit. I told you I would always take care of you and I didn’t, baby. I felt guilty for hiding from you the plan to draw the fuckers after you out. The moment I made the decision to lie to you, I fucked up. There’s not telling you the bad and dirty things you don’t want to know, and there’s lying. By lying, I didn’t give you a choice. It was wrong of me. I’m sorry. Especially about what I did at the house, raping you like that. Even if you wanted it, we should have discussed how it would go beforehand.”
“What about the men after me? Are they gone?” Relief fills me. I hoped with him saying I was to come home, the threat was gone.
He tells me about the two men who came to kill me only for a third, more deadly threat to arrive today. Once he finishes I finally understand what he meant. Sagging into him, I caress his cheek. Watching his eyes close as he nuzzles into my touch, that twisting sensation is gone from my tummy and moves into my chest. My strong, beautiful god of a husband is at the end of the day a human being, with all the faults and foibles that make us human.
“I trust you. I do. If you thought it was the best thing to do, so do I. And as we’re sitting here, it worked the way you hoped it would. Even if it hadn’t worked out, I still wouldn’t have blamed you.”
“It wasn’t just about waiting for the good thing to be taken away. When I read those descriptions in the back of my mind, all I could think was how unfair it was to ask someone to be responsible for another person’s happiness. I get you wouldn’t feel comfortable without control, but…I also have to be responsible. The same way I don’t want to be a brat so I only please you, you shouldn’t have to answer for my insecurities. I didn’t feel anything but fear. In the back of my mind I didn’t really believe you would be with another woman, I thought something would take you from me. There is nothing I think even you can do to take the fear away, because only time is the answer.”
His sigh is heavy. “Not taking care of you isn’t an option. It’s also bullshit you think you aren’t responsible for your own happiness. Exactly for the example you gave. Daddy doesn’t like brats, I’ve told you that often enough. So you aren’t because you know it doesn’t make Daddy happy. Daddies need to provide for their babies by ensuring they don’t have anything to be afraid of or unhappy over. I love taking care of you. I was angry, but it wasn’t only about you not believing in me—it was I failed in taking care of you. I don’t like failing, especially when it’s as important as you are to me. I might not be able to take your fear away, but we’ll meet with someone who might be able to.”
“Who?” The person has a magic wand?
“A therapist. She is open to accepting patients who might share things that aren’t legal without taking note of those illegal things. Her only requirement is the patient has to want to be where they are. Since she wasn’t open to kidnapping, I thought it best to wait.”
The giggle bubbles out of me. “Probably a good idea to wait.” I shake my head. The absolute last thing in this world I want to do is go to therapy. But I never ever want to hurt Daddy the way I did today, ever again. “Okay. I’ll go.”
“Good girl. Daddy is proud of you. Just like anything else, if you don’t want to do this once it begins, you can stop at any time,” he promises.
Relief sends my good arm around him to hold him tight. Daddy didn’t want to let me go, he’s doing everything he can to keep me. I need to remember that and if going to therapy is what I need to do to, then I will. No matter how much I don’t really want to go. I want our life more than I want to avoid the pain of the past.
Daddy knows I don’t want to go. He isn’t giving me a choice, other than the option to stop after it begins. I don’t miss the lack of choice. I don’t resent it. In the end it’s for the both of us.
For a long time all we do is sit wrapped around each other. There are no words, there is no need for them. When I begin falling asleep, Daddy carries me into our bedroom and begins to get us both ready for bed. He is so very careful as he washes me in our bath, checking for bruises and pain.
“You’re sure I didn’t hurt you?” he asks as he runs a finger over the bite on my shoulder.
Grasping his hand, I slide it down from the bite to my breast. “I wanted the pain. I’m sorry I loved it. I’m sorry to say I want you to do it again.”
“Why do you want the pain? Do you know?” The question is as gentle as the hand now cupping my breast.
“Something Karina said felt right. An orgasm feels so good, I don’t think I deserve it without pain—without fear.” I’m not even certain I’m using the right words.
