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As he picks up his pace, my head thrashes, but Sebastian’s hands stay on my hips, pushing me down and keeping me right where he wants me. His lips roam my body, sending kisses down my neck and shoulder, over my collarbone and everywhere. It feels like he’s everywhere. And it’s almost too much—almost, but it’s not. I know it’s not because my body wants to focus on how viciously he’s fucking me.
My body focuses on the intense pain and equally intense pleasure.
Tears leak from the corner of my eyes, and I struggle to breathe, but somehow, I cry out his name. “Bastian.” It’s a single strangled breath. It’s not from the pain, not all of it anyway. It’s from everything. I’m losing myself to him and it’s everything. I wish I could stop the well of emotion pouring up from me, but with every thrust, every sound, every touch from him… I can’t stop it.
My nails rake down his back as he shoves himself deep inside of me, past the brink of pain and toward something blinding, numbing yet igniting. My head falls back limply as the pleasure rips through me, tearing every bit of me apart into a million pieces.
And then he stops, and the world is motionless with the orgasm still racing through me.
“Chlo?” Sebastian’s voice is full of worry as the rough pad of his thumb wipes at the tears still falling down my face.
“Don’t stop,” I beg him but even my voice sounds pained, and he pulls himself out of me.
“Fuck, are you okay?” he asks me and reaches across me to the nightstand, turning on the bright light. I can only close my eyes as the pleasure still rages through me. The dull pain turns to a vibrant ache as I try to close my legs and involuntarily let out a pained moan as I curl over on my side.
“No, fuck,” Sebastian’s voice, full of worry and regret sends embarrassment and shame through me, and the tears come on harder and I can’t stop them. My body is confused and the emotions inside of me are welling up and I can’t stop them.
“I’m fine,” I barely manage to say as I wipe at the embarrassing tears.
“Don’t lie to me, what did I do?” He sounds angry as he tries to push my legs apart. “Fuck,” is the last word he says before climbing off the bed and running to the bathroom. As my eyes adjust to the light, I peer down my body to see bright red staining the sheets. Both of my hands cover my face with the regret, and dread overwhelms me to the point where I wish I could disappear.
“I’m sorry.” I hear Sebastian before I see him, but even as I register his words, he’s already on the bed. He rubs a damp, warm washcloth soothingly on my inner thigh to clean me up.
The shock from the concern on his expression and how carefully he’s cleaning me without worrying about the sheets keeps me from being able to speak.
He kisses my outer thigh with his eyes still open, gives me another kiss and gets closer. “I’m sorry,” he whispers against my skin. “I knew you were tight, but fuck… I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I can’t stand the look in his eyes like this was his fault. Like he has anything to be sorry for at all.
“I’m a virgin.” The words leave an awful feeling in my throat as they come up like I’m suffocating. “I was… before… I should have told you,” I whisper with my eyes closed.
And there’s nothing but silence. He doesn’t move or speak for what feels like forever. But finally, he asks, “Does it hurt?” I shake my head no as quickly as I can, refusing to cry anymore.
“You’re crying, Chlo, please don’t lie to me. I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Please, just pretend I’m not,” I try to plead with him, my eyes still closed tightly and my hands reaching up to cover my face.
“Fuck that,” he tells me, grabbing my hands and pulling them away. “Tell me the truth,” his sternly spoken words force my eyes open. Through the haze of tears, I stare into his demanding gaze. “Did I hurt you?”
I shake my head, searching for the words to explain. “It’s a mix, but the more you…” I have to pause and swallow before continuing, “the more you’re inside of me, the better…” I struggle to calm myself and my racing heart, which doesn’t seem so stupid now for wanting to escape earlier. If I could vanish now, I would.
His hand cups my jaw, his thumb running along my bottom lip before he asks me, “Would you tell me to stop if it was too much?” Before he can even finish his question, I’m shaking my head.
“I need you to,” he demands. His voice is laced with concern plus a plea I don’t expect. “I need you to tell me.” His eyes search mine, glancing over my face as he brushes the tears away. With him maneuvering himself back to where he was, my body calms and the heat lingers in my core.
“I want you,” I beg him. “Please, I need this to be--”
“I want you too.” His words calm every bit of anxiety and I reach up to kiss him, but it’s shortened as he pulls away.
“You can have me,” he whispers before giving me a chaste kiss I try to deepen, “but you need to tell me if it hurts too much.” He says the last part with his eyes closed and then opens them, piercing me with his gaze. “Don’t do that again,” he warns me. “Don’t let me hurt you.”
His words are so full of certainty and a darkness I can’t deny, so I speak immediately. “I won’t. “I’m sorry,” I quickly add and feel the weight of regret bury the embarrassment.
“I’m afraid if you never tell me, I‘ll never know.” His confession makes me repeat myself, “I’m sorry.”
“Look at me, Chlo,” he says then grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger. Without hesitating he kisses me once, then again and a third time, silencing the doubt and regret. A kiss from Sebastian Black soothes everything. He is the healing balm to my soul. As long as he kisses me, as long as he wants my lips to brush against his, I’m safe and cherished in a way I can’t describe. Even if it’s all in my head, it’s all I need.
With his eyes closed, his forehead resting against mine, he whispers between us, “If you don’t tell me, I will hurt you. I know I will. I know it. And I don’t want to.”
I nudge him with my nose to get him to look at me. “It hurt, but it was going too regardless,” I tell him and try to make him understand. “I thought I could hide the pain and when I couldn’t, it didn’t matter anyway because it felt… like everything.” I cling to his shoulders and make him look me in the eyes. “I promise you, I want this.” I breathe once, just once, waiting for him to say anything. “I want you and I want you to have me how you want.”
