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The smug grin he wore as he walked away made Tristan chuckle. She wouldn’t leave, not anytime soon. She would, however, continue to make him and anyone he caught feelings for suffer.
ChapterNine
Harmony
“I just think…maybe we should cool it for a while.”
Harmony didn’t respond to Keith’s words right away. They were in a delicate state in their relationship, and though they had made some progress, the wrong reaction would cause him to shut down and her to get fired up.
It seemed as if things were turning around for the pair. For the past week, Keith had come out of the guest bedroom every night to sleep with her, though he remained inside throughout the day. He hadn’t gone to his chemo treatments that week, and Harmony feared he’d given up. She didn’t have the courage to voice her concerns with him, but she knew Keith would talk to her when he was ready.
That morning, he asked her what she had planned after work. When she told him nothing, Keith asked if he could take her out. Harmony said yes with no hesitation, and all day at the library, she wondered what he had in store for her. It would be the first date night that Keith had orchestrated in months. Even if it was a simple dinner and a movie, Harmony would be pleased with that. More than anything, she wanted his time and presence. They didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything elaborate for that.
They ended up going to Flight for dinner, and when they returned home, those were the first words out of Keith’s mouth. Harmony looked around the living room, trying to make sense of his statement. They had what she thought was a good time. Keith was more present than he had been in a while. So for him to be saying that…
“What exactly do you mean?”
“I mean, I feel like you’re expecting more from me than I’m able to give right now, so I think we should talk about how things are going to be for the time being.”
Her brows wrinkled and mouth twisted as she processed his words. “Did you get some bad news at the doctor or something?”
“No.”
“Then I’m confused. You’re doing the pill for chemo for another month before they put you on radiation, right? So things should get better for you after that. I’m not exactly sure where this is coming from.”
“It’s not just the chemo, Harmony,” Keith clarified. He was seated in the recliner across from the brown sectional she occupied. His hands were cupped between his spread legs. The amount of calm and comfort he had during this conversation alarmed Harmony, only because that meant this was something he’d been thinking about for a while. “I’m not in a good headspace. Even after the chemo is over, I’m not sure I’ll be able to give you what you need.”
“Then you want to breakup?”
His head shook as he sat up in his seat. “No, baby. I want to be with you, I just need some space.”
Her body heated and heart raced. Nostrils flared, her fists opened and closed as she cracked her neck. Harmony chuckled and rolled her tongue across her cheek. “I don’t know how much space there is between where we are and breaking up, Keith. We’ve already paused wedding planning. We don’t go out, we don’t have sex, and you’ve just now started sleeping with me again. Throughout the day we don’t talk because you’re upstairs in your phone or on the game. On the off chance you do feel well and happy, you go out with your brothers and friends. We’re really not relating as it is, so I guess I’m having a hard time processing what more you think we have to put space in between.”
“This is why I’m saying what I’m saying. You make me feel like a failure because I can’t take you out or make love to you right now.”
“I’m not…” She laughed before giving him a calm, blank stare. “How am I making you feel like a failure, Keith? I barely express how I feel as it is. I might ask to go out every once in a while, but for the most part I let you do your thing.”
The truth was, Harmony hadn’t been lonelier in her entire life, even when she lived alone and was single. The loneliness that came from being disconnected from the partner you were in a relationship with was a loneliness no amount of preparation could have eased her into. Many nights, Harmony cried herself to sleep. Not just because she missed her man and wanted to talk to him and spend time with him, to be in his arms, but because she felt bad about wanting those things.
It didn’t matter how much she told herself she deserved more, Harmony felt bad for wanting more. Keith had a lot on his plate. Something as simple as a hug, though monumental for her, was draining for him. Though she ached for his companionship, Harmony suffered and stifled the need to avoid making him feel bad. So for Keith to be saying that was what she was doing, defeat filled her and made it impossible for Harmony to believe their relationship could continue.
“I don’t think I ask much of you at all,” she continued. “If you feel like a failure, maybe it’s because you know you could be doing more,” Harmony added just above a whisper.
His body jerked back in offense as if she’d punched him in the gut. “So youdothink I’m failing you?”
Harmony’s eyes rolled. “That’s not what I said. I said if you feel like a failure, maybe it’s because you know you could be doing more. You’re projecting right now. I’ve been more than patient with you, Keith, and I’m content with how things are because I know they won’t be like this forever.”
“But?”
“But… yes… I am lonely. I am sad. Sometimes I do want more. Sometimes I wish I had a partner who could be more present. But I understand why you aren’t, and that’s why I don’t say anything about it. I know when you’re back to your old self things will be good between us again.”
“That’s the thing. I don’t know how long it’s going to take before I’m my old self again.” Keith huffed and flung his head back. “This shit keeps coming back, and I’m starting to care less and less about fighting it. I want to marry you, but I’m not going to marry you just to die and leave you, Harmony.”
“Baby…” Standing, Harmony made her way over to Keith. She sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. “The cancer is smaller this time. It was stage one and just a small tumor under your arm instead of in your chest. Yes, it sucks that you had to go through it again, but you caught it in time to take care of it quickly without such an aggressive treatment. I have faith that this will be the last time you have to go through this. Don’t you?”
His head shook as he stared into the distance. “I genuinely don’t know, and that’s what scares me most. I’m not trying to live my life this way.”
“What are you saying?”
