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Tears burned in my eyes. I rubbed at them. I was so tired of crying, but it seemed to be all that I could do. “I don’t know if I can do this, Dr. Gresham.”
“You can,” he assured me. “For the duration of your pregnancy, I want you to come see me on Mondays and Fridays. On Wednesdays, I want to do virtual therapy sessions with you. I’m going to change your dosing a little on your meds—see if it helps your lows a bit.”
“A fucked up mess—always,” I whispered.
“No,” Dr. Gresham disagreed. “You’re just different, Ally, and that’s okay. Different can be good. It’s all about how you look at it, and right now, you’re looking at it through negative eyes.”
I released a bitter laugh. “I’m bipolar, depressed, and schizophrenic. Not to mention I have fucking anxiety.” I shook my head. “On top of that, I’m pregnant. And then I’ve got an ex who just can’t seem to leave me the fuck alone even though he’s got the dream I’ve always wanted.”
“Do you still love him?” Dr. Gresham asked me.
I shook my head. “No. That ship sailed long ago,” I told him confidently. “But the betrayal still hurts.” His words from last night at the pharmacy rang through my mind. “And for whatever reason, he wants to see me suffer.”
“I’m proud of you for walking away,” he told me.
I looked up at him. “I cried,” I told him bluntly. I blinked back tears. I looked back down, squeezing my eyes shut to keep them from falling. “I cry over everything.”
“Ally, I remember a time when you never cried—when you were just angry, and that’s the only emotion you allowed yourself to feel. Do you remember that time?”
I nodded, my mind flashing back to when I had first been admitted into this center. Julian was paying for every bit of treatment I got here, but I just wanted to suffer. I wanted to hurt. So, I did.
And in the process, I hurt everyone around me. Julian was ready to completely give up on me. Axel had walked out on me. And Meghan, so sweet and selfless, had held so much hope for me, and I shit all over it.
I was a bitch back then, and it was a fucking miracle that Julian and Axel ever let me back around her, though I don’t think she really gave them much of a choice. Even after everything I had said about her, everything that I did to her, she still held my hand in my darkest moments, proving to me that there was light.
“Crying means you’re healing, but that it still hurts,” Dr. Gresham told me. “And that’s okay. The kind of low you hit, Ally, it’s a hard one to come back from. You’re still climbing. But as long as you continue to climb, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to rest and take a break because it does get exhausting. But don’t ever go back down. Sit there in that spot for a moment if you need to, but always remember to keep climbing up.”
He gently squeezed my shoulder. “And as for your ex? You’re stronger than him, Ally. You have a beautiful soul, and if you allow him, he’ll tear it apart. You have to be strong enough to tilt your chin up at him, even if you’re crying when you do it. Show him—prove to him—that he will never tear you back down again. You have your own small army of people standing behind you, ready to fight for you, and Christian is at the front of your small army. Remember who is backing you—remember that you’re not alone.”
Julian’s face appeared on my phone screen requesting a video call. With a sigh, I pressed the green button to accept it, holding it out in front of my face since I was laying in bed. “What?” I grunted.
He laughed. “I figured you would be a little ray of sunshine today,” he sarcastically retorted. I only closed my eyes, my lips not even twitching with a smile. He released a quiet sigh. “Meghan told me about what happened on Sunday. Neither she nor Axel will tell me what the fuck is going on, Little Sis. Talk to me.”
Tears slid down my cheeks. “I’m scared,” I whimpered.
“Of?” he asked quietly. I looked up as Christian stepped into the room, shrugging off his blazer. He quickly kicked his shoes off and removed his belt. “Ally, come on.” Julian coaxed, dragging my eyes back to my phone screen. “I’m the one person you can’t hide from.”
Christian slid onto the bed behind me and pulled my body back against his, wrapping me up in security and giving me the strength to break the news to Julian. “I’m pregnant,” I told Julian quietly. There was no judgment on his face or in his eyes. “What if I kill it, too?” I cried, the tears I’d been holding in all day finally rolling down my cheeks.
