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Miller
Thedaysfollowingmyarrival back home are easily the hardest days I have ever endured in my life. I’ve been to hockey camps that exhausted me physically and mentally, and up until the last few days, I thought they were the worst things I could have suffered through. But being back home in a house full of my sister’s memories, seeing her beautiful, smiling face plastered all over the walls in every available picture frame, and knowing it’s a face I will never see again, it haunts me.
As promised, Dani has been my rock. She has taken care of everything. She organized the most spectacular funeral for my baby sister, and she made sure Mom and I didn’t have to worry about a thing. She shooed away the people who came to the door and took care of the cooking and cleaning while Mom and I were breaking down. She even called Coach Harris to explain what was going on to save my ass from getting kicked off the team due to my unexplained absences.
As I said, she has been my rock. Particularly during the middle of the funeral when one of Mia’s very drunk friends got up and decided then was the time to air all Mia’s secrets. Dani quickly got up and shut that shit right down like the fucking queen that she is.
I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to stand at her service and talk about what she meant to me. I spent the days beforehand sitting in my childhood bedroom ripping up every word I wrote. Hell, I even went as far as to say I wasn’t going to do it. Mia knew how I felt about her. Why should I have to share that with a bunch of dickheads I’ve never met before?
But come time for the funeral, Dani asked me to get up and say a few words. Not something generic that I would have written down, but something for everybody, something that came from my heart. So that’s exactly what I did.
I shared stories of my childhood and told the congregation how I loved my sister so fiercely, despite how she loved to be the bane of my existence. I hardly made it through the funeral without breaking down, but I’m happy I did it. I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn’t gotten up there and shared a bit of Mia with everyone. A bit that nobody but me, as her brother, had the chance to experience.
Which brings me to now.
I stand here by myself on a mountaintop in the national forest behind my childhood home. The exact mountaintop that Mia and I used to climb every summer. I hold her ashes close to my chest as I remember a night about five or six years ago. There was a huge storm and Mom had been out of town visiting her sister, so it was just me and Mia at home.
The storm was like nothing I’d ever seen, and Mia was scared. She must have only been eleven or twelve. We were sitting in the living room watching some ridiculous movie she chose when thunder cracked so loudly right as the power went out. The house fell into darkness, and she screamed and cried as the front window broke from the wind, sending a raging gust through the house.
I ran into Mom’s bedroom, grabbed the blanket off her bed, and covered Mia in it. Come to think of it, the blanket did nothing to protect her from the storm, but somehow, it managed to calm her. I rifled through the house looking for flashlights while trying to use the shitty light on my phone.
I did my best to board up the window, and after deeming the house secure enough, I went back and joined Mia in the living room. She forced me into a game ofWould You Ratherto get her mind off the storm, and I remember her asking me the most ridiculous questions that I was shocked an eleven-year-old could come up with.
We played for ages, asking stupid questions like would you rather eat dog food for a week or go streaking through a movie cinema with all your friends there to watch. The game took a turn when she asked if I would rather be buried or cremated.
I looked over at her in question, trying to figure out why she would even be thinking about it, then she scolded me for not answering her question in a timely manner. “Well?” she asked, crossing her little arms over her chest.
“Well, I don’t know. I guess I’ve never really thought about it,” I told her. “Have you?”
“Yep,” she announced, proudly. “I want to be cremated.”
“Okay,” I said, a little confused. “I’ll bite. Why would you want to be cremated?”
“Because I don’t want my body to rot in the ground til the end of time. I want to be free when I die. I want to be cremated, and you know that mountain we climb every summer? I want my ashes to be scattered there, right at the very top when a big gust of wind comes so I can fly one last time.”
That was the moment I realized my little sister wasn’t so little after all. She was growing up, and quite frankly, that scared the shit out of me. “Well,” I said with a smirk, playing off my emotions. “That’s never going to happen because you’re going to live forever, annoying anyone who stands in your way.”
She laughed up at me and snuggled closer to my side. “I love you too, big brother,” she smiled.
So here I am now, standing at the top of this mountain in the very spot she had told me all those years ago, holding her ashes to my chest and not wanting to let go. Mom and Dani wanted to come up here too, but I knew Mom wouldn’t be able to make it all the way. After all, it took me two hours to get here and to tell the truth, this is something I wanted to do for my sister. Just me and Mia, one last time.
I feel a strong breeze coming along and begin to unscrew the lid. “I hate that you left us, Mia, but I know you had no choice in the matter. I love you so much, baby sister. You’ve left this huge, gaping hole in my chest and it hurts so bad,” I tell her as I begin to break down and cry. “I’m going to miss you like you wouldn’t believe, but I’ll see you again one day. So you better be ready for me when I come.”
I feel the wind strengthen around me, and I know it’s time to let her go. I tip the ashes out into the wind and watch as she floats through the sky, flying one last time, just like she wanted. “Goodbye, Mia. I love you.”
I fall to my knees as I watch her ashes disappear into the wind, finally free.
I can’t find it in me to go back straight away, so I sit here at the top of the mountain for another few hours, remembering my sister. Remembering the times we had come up here together.
Picking up a rock, I walk to the highest tree and carve her name into the trunk so she can forever leave her mark on this world. So everyone who comes to this mountaintop will know that Mia was here.
Chapter 25
Danielle
WearrivebackatMiller’s place late on Wednesday evening. We would have stayed another night with his mom, but the Dragons are putting on a benefit skate night for the Denver Youth Hockey Program tomorrow. This is the team’s big chance to present the youth group with the check from the fundraising we’ve done this season. Then early tomorrow morning, we have to fly out to Chicago to kick off The Frozen Four. Those few days will be paramount in determining if our boys will remain undefeated and win the championship.
I sit up in bed and plug my phone into the charger. “What if I don’t go?” Miller asks as he climbs into bed beside me and begins studying his hands all too closely.
